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THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


BY THE SAME AUTHOR 


MRS. FITZ 
ARAMINTA 
FORTUNE 

WILLIAM JORDAN \ JUNIOR 
HENRY NORTHCOTE 
BROKE OF COVENDEN 

MISTRESS 
DOROTHY MARVIN 
etc., etc. 


' THE 

PRINCIPAL GIRL 


BY 

J. C. SNAITH 


/ 


n 



NEW YORK 

MOFFAT, YARD AND COMPANY 
1912 



Copyright, 1912, by 

MOFFAT, YARD AND COMPANY 

• *» * 

New York 


All Rights Reserved 



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£ 


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Cl. A 3 0 9 8 7 2 „ 

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CONTENTS 


CHAPTER PAGE 

I A GREAT PROCONSUL; AND OTHER PHE- 
NOMENA . r . 1 

II TOUCHES UPON A MATTER OF GRAVE 

PUBLIC IMPORTANCE . 7 

III IS DOMESTIC IN THE MAIN, BUT WE 

HOPE NOT UNWORTHY OF A GREAT 
CONSTITUTIONAL STATESMAN . . . 13 

IV IN WHICH THE GENTLE READER HAS 

THE HONOR OF AN INTRODUCTION TO 
THE SEVENTH UNMARRIED DAUGH- 
TER OF NOT QUITE A HUNDRED EARLS 18 

V IN WHICH THE GENTLE READER IS 
TAKEN TO THE PANTOMIME IN THE 
COMPANY OF MARGE AND TIMOTHY 
AND ALICE CLARA AND DICK AND THE 
BABE AND HELEN AND LUCY NANNA, 
AND WE HOPE YOU’LL ENJOY IT AS 
MUCH AS THEY DID <27 

VI IN WHICH WE DINE OUT IN GROSVENOR 


SQUARE . . . .• 47 

VII IN WHICH WE DRINK TEA AGAIN AT THE 

CARLTON 63 

VIII IN WHICH WE MAKE THE ACQUAINT- 
ANCE OF THE GODDAUGHTER OF ED- 
WARD BEAN * 77 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER 

IX A LITTLE LUNCH AT DIEUDONN&S 


PAGE 

83 

X AFFAIRS OF STATE . 100 

XI LICENTIOUS BEHAVIOR OF THE GREEN 

CHARTREUSE . . ... . > . r. . 108 

XII THE PROCONSULAR TOUCH ..... 115 

XIII JANE’S AFTERNOON OUT 121 

XIV IN WHICH MARY QUALIFIES FOR THE 

ROLE OF THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAM- 
ILY . . 132 

XV IN WHICH WE SIT AT THE FEET OF 

GAMALIEL 152 

XVI IN WHICH THE MOUNTAIN COMES TO 

MAHOMET 157 

XVII IN WHICH WE ARE TAKEN TO VIEW A 

LITTLE FLAT IN KNIGHTSBRIDGE . . 166 

XVIII IN WHICH THE CONSEQUENCES ARE 

DAMNED WITH NO UNCERTAINTY . . 174 

XIX A GREAT OCCASION ......... 184 

XX LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM 191 

XXI ADVENTURES RARE AND STRANGE . . 199 

XXII IN WHICH PHILIP RENEWS HIS YOUTH . 210 

XXIII IN WHICH GRANDMAMMA RENEWS HERS 226 

XXIV IS OF A POLITICAL NATURE ...... 239 

XXV IS VICTORIAN IN THE BEST SENSE ... 259 

XXVI A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 268 

XXVII ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR FREE TRADE . 290 
XXVIII THE END OF THE TALE . . > . . > . 300 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 












THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


CHAPTER I 

A GREAT PROCONSUL; AND OTHER PHE- 
NOMENA 

The great Proconsul stood on one of Messrs. Maple’s 
best hearthrugs in Grosvenor Square. A typical payer 
of the super-tax, a pink and prosperous gentleman in 
a morning coat and striped trousers, his appearance 
had long commanded the admiration of his country. 

He had not ruled the teeming millions of the Ganges, 
although the strength of his digestion and his absence 
of imagination would at any time have enabled him to 
do so. But for a period of nine weeks he had been the 
Resident of Barataria North-West; and partly for that 
reason and partly for a reason even more cogent, he had 
the distinction of being the last peer created by Mr. 
Vandeleur’s last government. 

The world is familiar with Sir William Richmond’s 
fine portrait of Walter Augustus, first Baron Shelmer- 
dine of Potterhan worth now, on loan at the National 
Portrait Gallery. In this the national asset appears as 
1 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


2 

he encountered his Sovereign in knee breeches, silk 
stockings, shoe buckles and other regalia. 

Competent judges consider it an excellent likeness, 
and of course quite unexceptionable as a work of art. 
It is the portrait of a happily endowed Englishman in 
his manly prime, to which the nation at large is able to 
refer between the hours of ten and four, Fridays ex- 
cepted. 

Eton, Balliol, diplomacy, private means, together with 
various places of emolument under the Crown, had each 
a share in raising Shelmerdine of Potterhanworth to 
his elevation. A first baron certainly, but not a mush- 
room growth. The honors of a grateful nation had 
come to him mainly because he had not been able to 
avoid them. From early youth he had been ranged 
with those who always do the right thing at the right 
time in the right way. He had always hit the bull’s- 
eye so exactly in the centre that public regard had had 
to strive to keep pace with his progress. 

Up till the age of one-and-thirty, Shelmerdine — 
not then of Potterhanworth — had like humbler mortals 
just a sporting chance of getting off the target. But 
at the age of thirty-one he married. By that judicious 
action he forfeited any little chance he may have had 
of dying an obscure, private individual. 

Sociologists differ as to what is the most portentous 
phenomenon of the age in which we dwell, but there is 


A GREAT PROCONSUL 


3 


a body of the well-informed which awards the palm un- 
hesitatingly to that amiable institution, the Suffolk Col- 
thurst. 

The world is under great obligations to this interest- 
ing representative of the higher mammalia. The upper 
reaches of Theology are whitened with the bones of the 
Suffolk Colthurst. It makes an almost ideal Under- 
secretary, it is always so smooth-spoken and well- 
brushed; it makes a most excellent Judge; there is no 
place of emolument it is not fitted to grace ; and in the 
unlikely event of a doubt invading your mind as to 
whether the particular schoolmaster will be inducted to 
the vacant see of Wincanton, you have only to look up 
which branch it was of the Suffolk Colthursts into which 
he married, and at what period of his life he married her. 

What would be the Established Order without the 
Colthurst of Suffolk? What would be the Navy and 
Army, Law and Medicine, Parliament itself, Art — and 
yes, gentlemen ! — Letters, without the Colthurst of Suf- 
folk? 

It is an error, however, to suppose that this pleasant 
phenomenon confines itself to one little corner of the 
globe. The Colthurst is indigenous to Suffolk, but for 
generations there has been quite a colony settled in Kent. 
There is also the world-famous Scotch variety, and of 
late traces of the Suffolk Colthurst have been found in 
America. The Transatlantic mind, never slow at diag- 


4 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


nosis, and with its trick of masterful and telling speech, 
has already ventured to define its creed. In America 
the creed of the Suffolk Colthurst has been defined as the 
Art of Getting There with Both Feet. 

Please do not assume that there is anything ignoble 
about the Colthurst of Suffolk. Quite the contrary. It 
has been laid down as a general principle that the Suf- 
folk Colthurst never makes money but always marries it. 
That is not to say, of course, that a Suffolk Colthurst 
has never been known to make money, because such a 
statement, however pleasant, would be in excess of the 
truth. But the Suffolk Colthurst, pur sang , sets less 
store by the making of money than by the spending of 
money in the way that shows it has always had money to 
spend. 

As a matter of fact it always has had money to spend. 
As soon as banking, brewing, land- jobbing, share-brok- 
ing, and other polite arts began to flourish in Suffolk, 
the Colthurst began to marry and to give in marriage. 
And to this day if you enter a small private bank in a 
quiet cathedral city, and you take the trouble to make 
inquiries, you are quite likely to learn that the local Suf- 
folk Colthurst has the chief proprietary interest in the 
concern. The family has always been partial to bank- 
ing. It is such an eminently sensible practice to lend 
money at double the rate at which you borrow it ; and it 


A GREAT PROCONSUL 


5 


has the additional advantage that you can’t call it 
Trade. 

Our immediate business, however, is with the blame- 
less gentleman who at the age of one-and-thirty was 
accepted in marriage by a charming representative of 
the genus, and at the age of nine-and-fifty was made a 
peer by Mr. Vandeleur’s government, immediately ante- 
cedent to its total and permanent eclipse. 

To return, then, to Shelmerdine of Potterhanworth. 
For nearly an hour had he occupied the tasteful hearth- 
rug provided by Messrs. Maple. A frown chequered 
his serene front and several times he had recourse to the 
Leading Morning Journal which lay open on his writing- 
table at page four. 

At the top of the third column was a communication 
dated from the Helicon Club, S. W. It was signed by 
himself and had been crowned with the glory of the 
largest type you could have without having to pay for 
it. Immediately below, in type equally glorious, were 
communications veiled in the discreet anonymity of “ A 
Lover of Animals ” and “ Verax.” 

Discreet anonymity is disagreeable as a rule. The 
fact was the great Proconsul was in the act of render- 
ing a signal service to the Public; and in consequence 
the Public did not thank him for his interference. To 
be sure, it was the first time in his life that he had been 


6 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


guilty of such an indiscretion. This was his first single- 
handed attempt to render a service to society at large ; 
and, as was only to be expected, society at large was not 
making itself very pleasant about it. 

There could be no doubt that at this moment the great 
Proconsul was the most unpopular man in London. Old 
ladies in ermine tippets scowled at him as he passed 
along Park Lane; and a hostess of mark, famous for 
her wealth and her humanity, had already crossed him 
out of her dinner list. 


CHAPTER II 


TOUCHES UPON A MATTER OF GRAVE PUBLIC 
IMPORTANCE 

Of what crime, do you suppose, has S. of P. been 
guilty? It was merely that in a public print he had 
ventured to ask why the payment of the nominal sum 
of seven and sixpence per annum conferred upon the 
dogs of London certain privileges in respect of its pave- 
ments which society at large, for some little time past, 
has ceased to claim. 

The resources of civilization were ranged already 
against Shelmerdine of Potterhanworth. Nice-minded 
women in point lace refused to meet the self-constituted 
champion of public amenity; the black-velveted mis- 
tresses of the Flossies and the Fidos thought the state 
of his mind must be unpleasant; he was an object of 
contumely where all that was fair and of good report 
held sway in the life of the metropolis. 

It was a pretty quarrel, and both sides were sustain- 
ing it with spirit. The Pro-Darlings, with Verax and a 
Lover of Animals at their head, had rejoined with man- 
nerly vituperation to the polished sarcasm of the Anti- 
Darlings. What is your remedy? had inquired the 
7 


8 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Friends of Fido with a rather obvious sneer. Banish 
the dumb creation from the pavements of great cities, 
had replied Inspired Commonsense. 

And for our own poor part, Commissioners of the 
Office of Works, we think that reply is worth a statue. 

Verax was making merry though at the expense of a 
public ornament, and the occupant of Messrs. Maple’s 
best hearthrug, who remembered Verax perfectly well 
as a grubby infant at his private school, had already 
formed the pious resolve of putting the fear of God into 
Verax. 

S. of P., having pondered long, sat down at his writ- 
ing-table ; dipped his quill with a certain inherent nat- 
ural grandeur, and started out on his crushing reply : — 
“ Sir, I have read with amazement the diatribe against 
my humble and unworthy self which appears under the 
signature of Verax, to which you have extended the gen- 
erous hospitality of your columns.” 

At this point S. of P. bit his quill with such violence 
that a large blot was shaken from the end of it upon the 
monogram which decorated the communication. 

“ The problem as I envisage it ” — S. of P. took a 
small gold pencil out of his waistcoat pocket and made 
a note on his blotting pad. “ The problem as I envisage 
it ” — but the problem that he did envisage was the Suf- 
folk Colthurst, who at that moment entered the room. 

The Suffolk Colthurst was large and blonde — so 


A MATTER OF IMPORTANCE 


9 


large and so blonde that to a profane mind she rather 
conveyed the suggestion of a particularly well-grown 
cauliflower. 

“ Wally, please , don’t let me spoil your morning. 
Don’t let me interrupt you, please .” 

The voice of the Suffolk Colthurst was really quite 
agreeable, although a little light in the upper register. 
You might even call it flutelike if you cared to indulge 
in metaphor. 

“ Not at all, Agatha,” said S. of P. with excellent 
chest resonance. “ I am merely envisaging the problem 
of the — ah — ” 

“ Don’t, Wally.” The voice of the Suffolk Colthurst 
was perhaps a shade less flutelike if history really calls 
for these nuances . “ You are making yourself ridicu- 

lous. Please drop the subject.” 

“ No, Agatha.” The sun setting over Africa might 
be compared to the brow of the great Proconsul. “Man 
in The Thunderer most impertinent. Signs himself 
Yerax. Suspect it’s that fellow — ” 

“ Wally.” The Suffolk Colthurst roared here a little 
less gently than usual. “ I will not uphold you ! 
Everybody thinks it is most injudicious.” 

“ Everybody, Agatha? ” 

“ Paul and Millicent consider — ” 

“ Public health, Agatha, public dec — ” 

“ Wally, once for all, I absolutely refuse to discuss 


10 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


the subject. I will not have you make yourself ridicu- 
lous.” 

The Suffolk Colthurst, with an approximation to nat- 
ural majesty, put on a pair of gold-rimmed eyeglasses 
which were suspended round her neck by a cord, and 
took the Leading Morning Journal off the First Baron’s 
table. 

44 Impertinent, certainly. Sarcasm, I suppose.” 

44 Suspect it’s that fellow Huffham, because I de- 
clined to propose him under Rule Two.” 

44 Certainly you do appear to have laid yourself open, 
but the letter is most ill-natured.” 

44 As though I should be likely to propose him. 
Known the man all my life.” 

The Suffolk Colthurst gathered her majestic inches 
for the ultimatum. 

44 Wally, you must listen to me. This matter has 
already gone too far. Let it drop. It is the first time 
I have known you go out of your way to make yourself 
ridiculous.” 

44 Public health, Agatha, public decency.” 

44 Leave it to the County Council.” 

44 They are not competent to envisage such a prob- 
lem as this. And I am determined, in the face of that 
letter — ” 

44 Paul says that no man can afford to make himself 
a public laughing-stock.” 


A MATTER OF IMPORTANCE 11 


44 PauPs a coward.” 

44 Paul says they are certain to make you an Apostle.” 
“ Eh?” 

44 If you don’t make a fool of yourself.” 

“ Paul said that ! Why, pray, should they make me 
an Apostle? ” 

4fi Because there’s nobody else ; and people will say 
the race has already passed its zenith if the vacancy is 
not filled up at once.” 

“ I will say this for Paul — he is well-informed as a 
rule.” 

44 Wait, Wally, until you are an Apostle.” 

44 Very well then, with the greatest possible reluctance 
I yield the point for the present. Verax shall wait until 

— Tell me, Agatha, what have you to say to me? ” 

The good, the noble — forgive our fervor, 0 ye Lib- 
eral organs of opinion, even if your bosoms be not 
thrilled by this whole-souled devotion to the public weal 

— the good and noble Shelmerdine of Potterhanworth 
flung the offending print upon Messrs. Maple’s expen- 
sive carpet in a sudden uncontrollable access of private 
pique. 

44 Agatha.” The accents of the great Proconsul 
were choked with emotion. 44 Tell me, Agatha, what 
you have to say to me? ” 

44 Wally,” said the Suffolk Colthurst, 44 what I have 
to say to you is this.” 


CHAPTER III 


IS DOMESTIC IN THE MAIN, BUT WE HOPE 
NOT UNWORTHY OF A GREAT CONSTI- 
TUTIONAL STATESMAN 

When you are up against a serious anticlimax it is 
a golden rule to begin a fresh chapter. 

The Suffolk Colthurst paused, and sat with a further 
access of natural majesty upon a chair Louis Quinze, 
supplied, like the hearthrug, by Tottenham Court Road. 

“ Wally, Philip has declined to come to the Queen’s 
Hall this afternoon to hear Busoni.” 

Doing his best even in this dangerous anticlimax, S. 
of P. retrieved the Leading Morning Journal from the 
carpet, straightened out its crumpled folds with patient 
humility, laid it on the table, sat down in his own chair 
— Tottenham Court Road of the best period — put up 
his eyeglass — by Cary of Pall Mall, maker to the 
Admiralty — and, in the voice of one pronouncing a 
benediction, said, “Well, Agatha?” 

“ Actually declined. Tells me he’s engaged to a pan- 
tomime at Drury Lane.” 

“ Matter of taste, I suppose.” 

12 


DOMESTIC IN THE MAIN 


13 


“ Taste, Wally ! Dear Adela is coming, and I have 
taken such trouble to arrange this.” 

The Proconsul showed a little perturbation. 

“No accounting for taste, I presume. Why a man 
of his age, rising twenty-eight, should prefer — ” 

“ Wally, it is very wrong, and you must speak to him. 
It is not kind to dear Adela. Please ring the bell.” 

The Proconsul rang the bell, and a young and very 
good-looking footman attended the summons. 

“Joseph,” said his mistress, “if Mr. Philip has not 
gone yet, tell him, please, that his father would like to 
see him.” 

After a lapse of about five minutes, a young man 
sauntered into the library. He was a somewhat somber- 
looking young man in a chocolate-colored suiting. 

“ Good morning, Philip,” said the First Baron. 

“ Mornin’, father,” said the heir to the barony. 

“ Philip,” said the First Baron, “ your mother tells me 
that you have declined to accompany her and Adela 
Rocklaw to the Albert Hall this afternoon to hear 
Paderewski.” 

The heir to the barony knitted the intellectual fore- 
head that was his by inheritance. 

“ Not declined, you know, exactly. It’s a bit of a 
mix. I thought the concert was next Saturday.” Mr. 
Philip was a slow and rather heavy young man, but his 
air was quite sweet and humble, and not without a sort 


14 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL' 


of tacit deference for both parents. 46 Fact is, I was 
keepin 5 next Saturday.” 

44 Why not go this afternoon as you have got wrong 
in the date? Your mother has been at so much trouble, 
and I am sure Adela Rocklaw will be disappointed.” 

44 Unfortunately I’ve fixed up this other thing.” 

44 Engaged to a music hall, I understand.” 

44 Pantomime at Drury Lane,” said Philip the sombre. 

44 Quite so.” The Proconsul, like other great men, 
was slightly impatient of meticulous detail in affairs 
outside his orbit. 44 Hardly right, is it, to disappoint 
Adela Rocklaw, especially after your mother ” — 
Mother, still mounted on the Louis Quinze, sat with eye- 
lids lowered but very level — 44 has taken so much trou- 
ble? At least I, at your age, should not have thought 
so.” 

Mr. Philip pondered a little. 

44 A bit awkward perhaps. I say, Mater, don’t you 
think you could fix up another day? ” 

The gaze of Mother grew a little less abstract at this 
invocation. 

44 Impossible, Phil-ipp ” — the Rubens-Minerva coun- 
tenance, whose ample chin was folded trebly in rolls of 
adipose tissue was a credit to the Governing Classes — 
44 Dear Adela goes to High Cliff on Wednesday for the 
shooting.” 

44 Well, Pm sorry,” said Mr. Philip quite nicely and 


DOMESTIC IN THE MAIN 


15 


politely, 66 that I shall have to go to Drury Lane this 
afternoon.” 

“ Have to go, Phil-ipp ! ” Still ampler grew the 
Governing Classes. “ It is really impossible in the cir- 
cumstances.” 

“ What circumstances, Mater? ” 

“ Dear Adela.” 

“ She won’t mind, if you explain. It’s like this, you 
see. Teddy Clapham has taken a box for his kids, and 
I promised ’em I’d be there — and you can’t go back 
on your word with kids, can you? ” 

“ Why not, Phil-ipp ? ” inquired the Governing 
Classes. 

“ Sort of gives ’em wrong views about things, you 
know.” 

“ How absurd,” said Mother. “ Much too senti- 
mental about children nowadays. Telephone to Mr. 
Clapham and explain the circumstances. I am sure he 
will understand that as dear Adela is going to High 
Cliff on Wednesday — ” 

A cloud gathered on the brow of Philip. 

“ May be wrong, you know, Mater, but I really can’t 
go back on my word with kids. I promised ’em, you 
know, and that little Marge is a nailer, and she is only 
five.” 

The statement, in spite of its sincerity, did not seem 
to carry conviction to either parent. 


16 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


The heir to the barony was a dutiful young man ; at 
least, in an age which has witnessed a somewhat alarm- 
ing decline in parental authority, he passed as such. 
His deference, perhaps, was not of a type aggressively 
old-fashioned, but he honored his father and his mother. 

“ I’ll get a box for the 6 Chocolate Soldier 5 on Mon- 
day if you and Adela will come, Mater, but I don’t see 
how I can throw over Teddy Clapham’s kids — five of 
’em — toddlers — and they ain’t got a mother, you 
know.” 

“ Phil-ipp, this is ridiculous. And dear Adela will be 
so disappointed, and on Monday there is a reception at 
the Foreign Office.” 

“ You can go on afterwards.” 

“ But your father and I are engaged to dinner with 
the Saxmundhams.” 

“ Well, Mater, I’m sorry. I hope you’ll explain to 
Adela. Got mixed in the date and if it hadn’t been kids 
I really would in the circumstances — ” 

The door knob was now in the hand of the heir to the 
barony. Parthian bolts were launched at him, but he 
made good his escape. 

“ It’s a nuisance,” he muttered as he closed the door 
behind him, “ but I really don’t see what’s to be done in 
the circumstances.” 

In the entrance hall he put on his hat and was helped 
by Joseph into an overcoat with an astrachan collar; 


DOMESTIC IN THE MAIN 


17 


from the hall stand he took a whanghee cane with massive 
silver mountings, and sauntered forth pensively to his 
house of call, that was not very far from the corner of 
Hamilton Place. 

Arrived at that desirable bourn, his first act was to 
ring up 00494 Wall. 

“ That you, Teddy? Have you told the kids to feed 
early to be in time for the risin’ of the curtain? Yes, 
I’ve bought the Bukit Rajahs. Think so? Yes, not a 
minute later than a quarter-past one.” 

Replacing the receiver, the heir to the barony of 
Shelmerdine of Potterhanworth recruited exhausted na- 
ture with a whisky and apollinaris, and put forth from 
the chaste portals of the Button Club. Adventures were 
lying in wait for him, however. 

As he rounded the corner into Piccadilly, a little un- 
warily, it must be confessed, he nearly collided with the 
Ne Plus Ultra of fashion in the person of a tall and de- 
cidedly smart young woman, in a rather tight black 
velvet hobble and a charming mutch with a small strip 
of white fur above the left eyelid. 


CHAPTER IV 


IN WHICH THE GENTLE READER HAS THE 
HONOR OF AN INTRODUCTION TO THE 
SEVENTH UNMARRIED DAUGHTER OF NOT 
QUITE A HUNDRED EARLS 

The Ne Plus Ultra had just achieved the feat of 
crossing from the Green Park in the charge of a quad- 
ruped of whom we are at a loss to furnish a description 
more explicit. How and why it had been allowed to 
escape a death by violence at the instance of the passing 
motor and other mechanically propelled vehicles was yet 
another of the dark secrets which must be left in the 
keeping of its Maker. 

“ Hulloa, Adela!” 

Jamming the brakes hard on, the heir to the barony 
was just able to avert a forcible impact with the fear- 
some four-footed beast w r hich measured eighteen inches 
and a quarter from the tip of its tail to the end of its 
muzzle. 

“ What is it, Adela? Win it in a raffle? ” 

The seventh unmarried daughter of not quite a hun- 
dred earls was a little inclined to stiffen at this freedom 
with an Honorable Mention at the Crystal Palace. 

18 


AN INTRODUCTION 


19 


“ It is a pure-bred rough-haired Himalayan Dust 
Spaniel, and they are very rare.” 

“ I hope so.” 

This ill-timed remark did not seem to help the con- 
versation. The seventh unmarried daughter of not 
quite a hundred earls — she was the daughter of only 
three earls really, although for that she cannot accept 
responsibility — tilted her chin to its most aristocratic 
angle and displayed considerable reserve of manner. 

An eyelash, lengthy and sarcastic, flickered upon her 
cheek. 

“ Pure-bred rough-coated Himalayan Dust Spaniel,” 
said the heir to the barony. “ Stick him in your muff, 
or you might lose him.” 

“ You are coming to the concert, aren’t you? ” said 
the seventh unmarried daughter in a tone singularly de- 
tached and cool. 

“ No, I’m afraid,” said the heir to the barony. “ Aw- 
fully sorry, Adela, but fact is I’ve got mixed in the day. 
Thought it was next Saturday.” 

“ Oh, really.” 

“ So I’ve promised five little kidlets I’d take ’em to 
the Pantomime at Drury Lane. You don’t mind, 
Adela, do you? — or I say, would you care to come? 
You’ll find it a deal more amusin’ than Paderewski. 
We’ve got a box, and there’ll be any amount of room. 
And you won’t need a chaperone with five kids and their 


uo 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


nannas, and the Mater needn’t go to Kubelik then, be- 
cause she hates all decent music worse than I do. Bet- 
ter come, Adela. Pantomime is awfully amusin’, and 
you’ll like Clapham if you haven’t met him — chap, you 
know, that married poor little Bridgit Brady.” 

44 Thanks,” said the young madam, 44 but I think I 
prefer Busoni.” 

The heir to the barony was rather concerned by the 
tone of Miss Insolence. 

44 You aren’t rattled, are you, Adela?” said he. 
44 I’ve made a horrid mess of it, and I’m to blame and all 
that, but you can’t go back on your word with kids, 
can you? If you come I’m sure you’ll like it, and that 
little Marge is a nailer, and she is only five.” 

The long-lashed orb from beneath the charming 
mutch showed very cold and blue. 

44 Thanks, but I think I prefer Busoni. Come, 
Fritz.” 

44 Well, I’m sorry,” said the penitent heir; and the 
rather tight hobble and the charming mutch and the 
pure-bred Himalayan dust spaniel moved round the 
corner of Hamilton Place in review order. 

Humbled and undone, the heir to the barony saun- 
tered up the street, past the Cavalry, past the Savile and 
past the Bath, until, broken in spirit he stayed his course 
before the chocolate shop of B. Venoist. 

44 She’s as cross as two sticks,” sighed the heir to the 


AN INTRODUCTION 


21 

barony, as he gazed in at the window. 44 Always was a 
muddlin’ fool — but you can’t go back on your word 
with kids, can you? Now I must be careful which sort 
I choose. I expect that sort in pink boxes will make 
’em as sick as Monday momin’.” 

In this opinion, however, B. Venoist did not concur. 
He assured the heir to the barony that it was exactly 
the same quality as that supplied to Buckingham Pal- 
ace, The Durdans, High Cliff Castle and Eaton Hall. 

44 If that is so,” said the heir to the barony, 44 1 think 
I’ll risk a box.” 44 Looks pretty poisonous,” he added 
— although not to B. Venoist. 

44 You’ll find that all right, sir,” said B. Venoist. 
44 Precisely the same quality as supplied to York Cot- 
tage.” 

44 I’m glad o’ that,” said the heir to the barony, dis- 
bursing a sum in gold and dangling a large but neat 
white paper parcel from his index finger. 

44 Cross as two sticks,” mused the stricken young man, 
putting forth from the chocolate shop of B. Venoist, 
and bestowing a nod in passing upon a choice light blue 
striped necktie. 

By some odd association of ideas this article of attire 
was responsible for his course being stayed before his 
favorite shop window a little farther along the street: 
to wit, of Mr. Thomas Ling, whose neckties in the 
opinion of some are as nice as any in London. 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ Have you an Old Etonian Association necktie? ” he 
asked of Mr. Thomas Ling, although he knew quite 
well that Mr. Thomas Ling had, and a Ramblers’ also 
if he had required it. 

“ The narrow or the broad, sir? ” said Mr. Thomas 
Ling. 

“ The broad,” said the heir to the barony ; but at Mr. 
Thomas Ling’s look of frank incredulity, he corrected it 
to “ the narrow.” 

Armed with the narrow, the heir to the barony left 
the shop of Mr. Thomas Ling poorer by the sum of 
five and sixpence, and also by a box of the best assorted 
chocolates from B. Venoist which he had the misfortune 
to leave upon the counter. 

“ Cross as two sticks,” muttered the stricken young 
man as he reached the very end of the celebrated thor- 
oughfare, and gazed an instant into the window of 
Messrs. Wan & Sedgar to see how their famous annual 
winter sale was getting on in the absence of the winter. 

The mind of the heir to the barony hovered not un- 
pleasantly, for all its unhappiness, over a peculiarly 
chaste display of silk and woolen pajamas, three pairs 
for two guineas, guaranteed unshrinkable, when with a 
shock he awoke to the fact that he was no longer the 
proud possessor of a box of the best assorted chocolates 
from B. Venoist. 

“ I’m all to pieces this momin’,” registered the vain 


AN INTRODUCTION 


young man on the inner tablets of his nature. There- 
upon he took out his watch, a gold hunting repeater, a 
present from his mother when he came of age, and in a 
succinct form apostrophized his Maker. 

“ My God ! nine minutes to one and I’ve got to col- 
lect the kids from Eaton Place and the bally show be- 
gins at one-thirty. Here, I say ! ” 

The heir to the barony hailed a passing taxi. 

“ Call at Ling’s up on the right, and then drive like 
the devil to 300 Eaton Place.” 

“ Right you are, sir,” said the driver of the taxi, in 
such flagrant contravention of the spirit of the Public 
Vehicles Act 9 Edwardus VII Cap III that we much 
regret being unable to remember his number. 

It was the work of two minutes for the heir to the bar- 
ony to retrieve the box of best assorted chocolates from 
the custody of Mr. Thomas Ling up on the right, and 
then the driver of the taxi sat down in the saddle and was 
just proceeding to let her out a bit, in accordance with 
instructions, when Constable X held him up perempto- 
rily at the point where Bond Street converges upon B. 
Venoist. Not, however, we are sorry to say, in order 
to take the number of this wicked chauffeur, engaged 
in breaking an Act of Parliament for purposes of pri- 
vate emolument, but merely to enable an old lady in a 
stole of black mink and a black hat with white trim- 
mings, together with a Pekinese sleeve dog, lately the 


24 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


property of the Empress of China, to cross the street 
and buy a box of water colors for her youngest nephew. 

Certainly she was a very dear old lady ; but the heir 
to the barony cursed her bitterly, as, gold hunting re- 
peater in hand, he vowed that the kids would not be in 
time for the rising of the curtain. Part of his blame 
overflowed upon the head of Constable X ; and we our- 
selves concur in this, because we certainly think that, if 
stop the traffic he must, it behooved him, as the ap- 
pointed guardian of the public peace, to take the num- 
ber of this guilty chauffeur. 

As it was, the driver of the taxi, owing to this derelic- 
tion of duty upon the part of Constable X — a kind 
man certainly, and about to become a sergeant — sat 
down again in the saddle and proceeded to let her out a 
bit further. So that anon, swinging along that peri- 
lous place where four-and-twenty metropolitan ways 
converge, yclept Hyde Park Corner, he came within an 
ace of running down a perfectly blameless young man 
in an old bowler hat and a reach-me-down, the author 
of this narrative, who was on his way to consult with 
his respected publisher as to whether a work of ripe 
philosophy would do as well in the autumn as in the 
spring. 

The young man in the old bowler hat — old but good 
of its kind, purchased of Mr. Lock in the street of 
Saint James on the strength of “ the success of the 


AN INTRODUCTION 


25 


spring season ” (for the reach-me-down no defense is 
offered) — the young man in the old bowler hat stepped 
back on to the pavement with as much agility as an old 
footballer’s knee would permit, and cursed the occupant 
of the taxi by all his gods for a bloated plutocrat, and 
in the unworthy spirit of revenge vowed to make him the 
hero of his very next novel. 

A cruel revenge, but not, we think, unjustified. Idle 
rich young fellow — toiled not, neither did he spin — 
nursing a gold hunting repeater in a coat with an as- 
trachan collar and one of Messrs. Scott’s latest — with 
a red face and a suspicion of fur upon the upper lip — 
taking five kids who had lost their mother to the panto- 
mime without his lunch — how dare he run down a true 
pillar of democracy at the rate of thirty-five miles an 
hour ! 

At nine minutes past one by the gold hunting re- 
peater, in the middle of Victoria Street, the hard thought 
occurred to the young man that he would get no lunch. 
Still, let us not overdo our regard for his heroism. He 
had not finished his breakfast until something after 
eleven, and his breakfast had consisted of three devilled 
kidneys on toast, a plate of porridge, a grilled sole, 
muffins, marmalade and fruit ad libitum , but still the 
young chap was undoubtedly going to miss his luncheon. 

At twelve minutes past one by the gold hunting re- 
peater, the heir to the barony was acclaimed in triumph 


26 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


from the threshold of Number 300 Eaton Place by 
five kids and their nannas, who were beginning almost to 
fear that Uncle Phil had forgotten to call for ’em. 

44 It is only Aunty Cathy that forgets,” said Marge, 
who, considering that at present she is only five, has ex- 
cellent powers of observation. 44 Uncle Phil never for- 
gets nothink.” 

Shrill cheers greeted the idle, rich young fellow. 
Blow, blow thy whistle, Butler. Let us have another 
taxi up at once. Marge and Timothy and Alice Clara 
in taxi the first with Uncle Phil ; Nannas Helen and Lucy 
with Dick and the Babe in taxi the second. 

44 Must be at Drury Lane,” said Uncle Phil to Mes- 
sieurs les Chauffeurs, 44 before the risin’ of the curtain 
at one-thirty.” 

Those grim evil-doers nodded darkly, and away they 
tootle-tootled round the corner into the Buckingham 
Palace Road. One fourteen, said the gold hunting re- 
peater. Bar accidents, we shall do it on our heads. 

44 Oh, Uncle Phil,” said Marge, 44 we’ve forgotten 
Daddy.” 

44 Cornin’ on from the city,” said Uncle Phil. 


CHAPTER V 


IN WHICH THE GENTLE READER IS TAKEN 
TO THE PANTOMIME IN THE COMPANY OF 
MARGE AND TIMOTHY AND ALICE CLARA 
AND DICK AND THE BABE AND HELEN 
AND LUCY NANNA, AND WE HOPE YOU’LL 
ENJOY IT AS MUCH AS THEY DID 

The door of Marge’s taxi was opened by a benevo- 
lent bewhiskered policeman, who, being himself a family 
man, lifted her out as if he was pleased to see her. 
Uncle Phil then handed out Timothy and Alice Clara; 
and then he got out himself and performed an action 
which we are forced to view with regret. He opened 
the little purse which he kept in the pocket opposite to 
the gold hunting repeater, and presented a whole 44 bar 55 
to the member of the criminal classes whose number we 
have so unfortunately omitted to take. And that dark- 
visaged misdemeanant, who, if every man had had his 
due would have had the blood of half the West End of 
London on what he was pleased to call his conscience, 
spat for luck on his guilty emolument when no one was 
looking, and thought of the new hat he would be able to 
buy the missus. At least we hope he did, although Mr. 
G-lsw-rthy rather has his doubts. 

n 


28 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Shoals of other kids were converging upon the por- 
tals of Drury; kids in taxis, kids in growlers, kids on 
foot. It was 1 :28, and all were frightfully anxious to 
be in their places by the time the curtain — the real, not 
the fireproof curtain — went up. Timothy and Alice 
Clara were inclined to hustle round a bit, but Marge had 
such implicit faith in Uncle Phil that to her mind hus- 
tling was not called for and was therefore unladylike. 

In justice to Marge, it is only fair to say that her 
faith in Uncle Phil was justified. Crowds of arrivals 
were in the vestibules; kids with their fathers, kids with 
their mothers, kids with their nannas, kids with their 
maiden aunts. But straight as a die Uncle Phil cut out 
a course for his convoy. In double file his party of 
seven — five kids and two quite nice-looking nannas — 
followed in the wake of his astrachan collar and whan- 
ghee cane with silver mountings. At 1 :29 Marge was 
seated in Box B, next to the stage and on a level with 
the dress circle. Timothy and Alice Clara and Dick 
and the Babe were seated beside her — certainly a great 
triumph for all concerned, including the criminal eating 
his dinner out of his handkerchief within a stone’s throw 
of the editorial office of the Spectator. 

Uncle Phil bought a programme and paid a shilling 
for it, although sixpence was the price. 

“ Cinderella, I see. Rippin’.” 

Marge knew it was Cinderella. She had dreamed 


THE PANTOMIME 


29 


that it was. Besides all the best pantomimes are Cin- 
derella. But where was Daddy? Why didn’t he make 
haste? There was Mr. Lover — loud applause — the 
orchestra was tuning up. Oh, why didn’t Daddy — 

Oh, joy! Oh, providence! Daddy came into Box B 
just as Madge was inquiring for him, in his tall hat, 
fresh from Mincing Lane. A rather tired and sad- 
looking Daddy, a little hollow in the cheeks and with 
rings under his eyes, although fortunately Marge didn’t 
notice them. But as soon as he caught sight of the 
heir to the barony, which his other name is Uncle Phil, 
a smile seemed to come right over him. 

“ Damned good of you, old boy,” he said, as he hung 
up his tall hat beside the very latest performance on the 
part of Messrs. Scott. “ Ungodly hour to begin,” said 
Daddy. “ Hope you got your lunch all right.” 

“ Ra -ther” said Uncle Phil. “ You? ” 

“ Oh, ye-es.” 

We know what Uncle Phil is, and we are afraid we 
must say the same of Father. 

But Mr. Lover is already under way with his over- 
ture. 

And then Father asked Marge if she could see, and 
if Timothy could see, and was the Babe comfortable, 
and other well-meaning but superfluous questions, almost 
as it were to convey a sense of his importance. And 
there was the curtain actually going up, on a field of 


30 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


new-mown hay. It was magnificent, but, with all respect 
to Mr. Hollins, the scent of the hay was only just able 
to get across the footlights. But don’t let Mr. Hollins 
take it to heart, because Marge, quite one of the most 
important people in all his noble theater, was able to 
smell the scent of the new-mown hay all right. 

“ A toppin’ good chorus,” said Uncle Phil. 

Put that plume in your cap, Mr. Hollins, because no 
young man of his years in London has had more the- 
atrical experience than the heir to the barony. So 
lately as the Monday previous he had made his forty- 
sixth appearance at Our Miss Gibbs. Hunting chorus, 
too, though what the followers of the chase were 
doing in a field of new-mown hay — but after all, what’s 
the use of being in Arcady if you can’t have things ex- 
actly as you want ’em? 

Dick and the Babe fairly crowed with pleasure. 
Helen Nanna hoped they would restrain themselves, and 
whispered to Lucy Nanna that never had she seen any- 
thing like it. And while she was whispering this truth 
to Lucy Nanna there came a roar from the house, and 
an oldish, middle-aged person sauntered into the field 
of new-mown hay, immediately tripped over herself, and 
assured all whom it might concern that she was a perfect 
lady. She then proceeded to sing a song about a gen- 
tleman of the name of Kelly. 


THE PANTOMIME 


31 


The enthusiasm that was caused by her song and be- 
havior would be vain to describe. 

“ Chap’s a genius,” said Father. “ Who is he? ” 

“ Wilkie Bard, of course,” said Uncle Phil. 

“ Has anybody here seen Kelly ? ” inquired the old 
lady. It appeared that every single person there, in- 
cluding the occupants of Box B, either had seen or hoped 
to see Kelly. 

And then quite suddenly the lights went out, the or- 
chestra rolled in semi-darkness, something happened to 
the scenery, the lights went up again, and there was a 
kitchen in the ancestral halls of Baron de No-Cash. 

Again crowed the Babe with pleasure, and he had a 
perfect right to do so; because it was really a remark- 
able sort of a kitchen, larger by far than the one in 
Eaton Place where cook kept the marmalade; though, 
doubtless, what most intrigued the fancy of the Babe was 
the enormous fireplace which had accommodation for a 
turnspit and at least twenty-four persons. 

In the temporary absence of any single human indi- 
vidual the turnspit had the stage all to itself. This was 
a subtle device on the part of the management. An air 
of rapt expectation enfolded the great audience, as of 
something going to happen. 

And something did. 

A perfect roar of enthusiasm heralded the happen- 


32 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


ing of the something. Now what do you suppose it 
was? Nothing less than the arrival of the Principal 
Girl. 

She just wandered in, no-how as it were, with a broom 
in her hand and her skirt in tatters, and a red cap over 
her curls and her feet in slippers. She was merely the 
maid of all work in the kitchen of the Baron de No- 
Cash, a downtrodden creature according to legend and 
according to the libretto, but you would hardly have 
thought so, since she had to stand bowing for two whole 
minutes over her broom handle before she was allowed 
to proceed with the business of life. 

The roar reverberated from the roof of the gallery 
to the floor of the pit. Kids in boxes, kids in stalls, 
kids in the dress circle, and an infant in arms at the 
back of the pit all did their best ; and responsible middle- 
aged gentlemen from the Kaffir Circus and the Rubber 
Market, a grandee from the Home Department, a judge 
of the Court of King’s Bench, a solicitor who had 
applied the money of his clients to his own purposes, 
although nobody had found him out at present, a sub- 
stantial family from Hammersmith, the proprietor of 
a flourishing Brixton laundry, whose eldest girl was in 
the ballet, an old charwoman in the front row of the 
gods, and a thousand and one other heterogeneous ele- 
ments whom we are only able to refer to in the most 
general terms, assisted Marge and Timothy and Alice 


THE PANTOMIME 


33 


Clara, and Dick and the Babe to make the welkin be- 
have frightfully foolish, over a rather plain-looking girl 
of twenty-four who had to keep bowing over her broom 
handle before she could get on with the business of life. 

And when at last she was able to get on with the 
business of life, what do you suppose it was? Why, to 
sing, of course, “ Come with me to Arcadee.” What in 
the world else do you suppose her business in life 
could be? 

A little well-timed assistance from Mr. Lover, which 
she really didn’t require, and away she soared straight 
up through the middle register, and at the same moment 
something seemed to go ping, ping, beneath the knitted 
waistcoat of chocolate worsted of the heir to the barony, 
standing at the back of Box B by the side of Father. 

“ Come with me to Arcadee.” 

Uncle Phil accepted her invitation without the slight- 
est hesitation — we are not so sure as we should like to 
be about Father — but Nannas Helen and Lucy, and 
Marge and the rest of ’em, indeed an overwhelming 
majority of that crowded and representative assembly, 
went straight to Arcadee with that rather plain young 
woman who was suffering from a cold in the head. 

We call her plain as much out of deference to Mr. 
G-lsw-rthy, and Mr. H. G. W-lls and Mr. Arnold 
B-nn-tt as any other reason we can think of. Because 
in the opinion of the heir to the barony she was al- 


34 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


ready enshrined as “ a nailer,” and no girl absolutely 
and unmistakably plain could possibly have been 
granted the highest of all diplomas by one of such a 
ripe experience of all phases and degrees of womanhood. 

No, Mr. G-lsw-rthy, perhaps not a patrician beauty, 
like the daughter of whom we wot, still plain is not the 
word exactly. Can you call any young woman plain, 
who, attired in her nondescript manner, hypnotizes the 
whole of Drury with her tiny handkerchief edged with 
lace, every time she plucks it out of her tatterdemalia ? 

Plain ? — no, sir, decidedly not. A plain girl could 
never hypnotize the whole of Drury with her handker- 
chief, including an austere old gentleman in the second 
row of the stalls, allowing a question of taxed costs to 
stand over till the following Tuesday. Plain, Mr. 
G-lsw-rthy 1 — we at least, and the heir to the barony 
are forced to dissent. 

“ She’s a nailer. What’s her name? ” said Uncle 
Phil. 

Father lowered his sombre eyes, and shook his head 
at Uncle Philip. He had not gone to Arcadee with the 
Principal Girl, you see. Upon a day another Principal 
Girl had lured him thither, and Father had had to come 
back again, and Father was feeling that he wanted never 
to go any more to Arcadee — except with the Principal, 
Principal Girl. 


THE PANTOMIME 


35 


Helen Nanna, a good, kind girl and high up in the 
class at Old Dame Nature’s Select Academy for Young 
Ladies, handed the programme to Uncle Philip, who pe- 
rused the same as soon as the vibrations under the choc- 
olate waistcoat would allow him to do so. 

“ Birdie Brightwing — no, she’s Prince Charming, 
and this is Cinderella. Mary Caspar is Cinderella.” 

Uncle Philip, for all his ripe experience, had never 
heard of Miss Caspar, and Father hadn’t either. Never 
been seen at the Gaiety or the Lyric. No wonder a star 
had had to be placed by the Management opposite the 
name of Miss Caspar to denote an explanatory footnote 
at the bottom of the programme. 

“ By special arrangement with the Royal Italian 
Opera House, Blackhampton.” 

Ha ! that explained it. Deep minds were in this. 
Merely one more stroke of genius on the part of Mr. 
Hollins. When Florence de Vere had broken her en- 
gagement at the eleventh hour in order to take part in 
the Beauchamp Season, to the dismay of all that was 
best in the life of the metropolis, what did Mr. Hollins 
do? Sit down and twiddle his thumbs, did he? Not 
so, my masters. He called for his coat with the beaver 
collar, and his new bowler hat from Mr. Lock, and he 
took a first-class ticket for the Royal Italian Opera 
House, Blackhampton. 


36 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL’ 


“ Not for the King of England, not me,” said the 
Lessee and Manager haughtily. “We open on Boxin’ 
Night with Aladdin , and the bills are printed.” 

Oh, vain Lessee ! Little he recked of the Napoleonic 
faculty of Mr. Hollins in combination with his cheque- 
book. Meetings of indignation were held in Black- 
hampton and its environs, but after all, the loss of the 
famous midland city was the gain of the great me- 
tropolis. 

Miss Caspar had come, had been seen, had overcome. 

“ ’Core ! ” roared the bloods in the stalls. 

“ ’Core ! ” echoed the cads in the pit. 

“ ’Core ! ” cried the young ladies in the dress circle. 

“ ’Core ! ” yelled the members of nature’s nobility, 
cheek by jowl with the magnificent ceiling. 

Mary Caspar’s cold was really frightful, but she 
couldn’t help herself, poor girl. Once more she took 
’em all to Arcadee — Marge and Timothy and Alice 
Clara and Dick and the Babe and Helen and Lucy 
Nanna and certainly Uncle Phil. As for poor Father, 
he leaned back against the wall with his hands in his 
pockets, and almost wished he hadn’t come. There was 
something about that girl taking ’em all to Arcadee 
that somehow — no, dash it all, he must learn to keep 
that upper lip a bit stiff er. 

“ ’Core ! ” shouted Father — but so feebly that no- 
body heard him. 


THE PANTOMIME 


37 

“ Only a hundred a week,” said Mr. Hollins in the ear 
of the Chairman of the Syndicate in the box below. 
44 Dirt cheap.” 

44 Sign her for five years at double the salary,” said 
the Chairman of the Syndicate in the ear of the famous 
manager. 

44 Nothing like a provincial training,” said Mr. Hol- 
lins. 44 Teaches ’em how to get right home to the heart 
of the people.” 

44 ’Core ! ” roared the Chairman of the Syndicate. 

44 Absolute nailer,” said Uncle Phil. 

And then her acting! It was so perfectly easy and 
natural that it really didn’t seem like acting at all. Her 
speaking voice, for all that it hurt her so, was clear and 
low and quite agreeable; and wiser men than Uncle 
Phil have thought that such a voice as that is the great- 
est charm in any young woman. Not quite so ultra- 
refined perhaps as that of the seventh unmarried daugh- 
ter of not quite a hundred earls; not quite so much 
torture was inflicted upon the letter 44 o,” that honest 
vocable. Icy tones had been Adela’s that morning in 
the opinion of the heir to the barony; those of the 
new-risen star of Blackhampton were clear and unaf- 
fected and ringing with human sympathy. No wonder 
that the sensitive mechanism behind the chocolate waist- 
coat was thrown clean out of gear. 

She acted beautifully that fine scene inside the fire- 


38 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


place with a nondescript entity, by the name of Buttons, 
which his proper name is Mr. Graves and a man of 
genius; acted it beautifully during the time her wicked 
sisters had left her at home to work like a menial while 
they had gone to the Prince Charming’s ball. 

After the Principal Girl had sung another ballad, to 
the entire satisfaction of all that was best in the life of 
the metropolis, the great and good Mr. Lover handed 
up to her a noble box of chocolates from an unknown 
friend in front. 

The appearance of this rare box of chocolates struck 
the heir to the barony with deep dismay. What had 
happened to the ill-fated box he had bought of B. Ven- 
oist ! 

“ Pm hanged,” he said, “ if I haven’t left that bally 
box in the taxi after all ! ” 

The heir to the barony waited until the Principal 
Girl had retired to get into her famous glass slippers 
and her ballroom kit, and then like a thief in the night 
he stole out of Box B, that none should see him go, and 
crept round the back of the dress circle to the refresh- 
ment buffet presided over by a Hebe of three-and-forty 
summers in an outfit of yellow curls. 

He would never be able to forgive himself if the kids 
should think he had forgotten those chocolates. 

“ Price o’ those? 99 


THE PANTOMIME 


39 


The heir to the barony disbursed the sum with his ac- 
customed munificence. 

“ Hullo, young feller, what are you doing here ? 99 

This question was asked by a gentleman of pros- 
perous appearance who was holding up a yellow fluid 
in a tiny glass and looking as though he might pres- 
ently imbibe it. 

“ Party o’ kids,” said the heir to the barony. “ Top- 
pin’ good show.” 

The gentleman of the prosperous appearance quite 
agreed and invited him civilly to drink. 

“ Must get back with this,” said the heir to the bar- 
ony, holding up a very fine performance on the part of 
good Messrs. Cadbury. 

Although the heir to the barony stayed not to par- 
take of liquid refreshment at the expense of the gentle- 
man at the buffet, and rightly so, we think, having re- 
gard to the tragedy of B. Venoist, yet the latter, who 
was engaged in recruiting exhausted nature with a 
sherry and angostura bitters, was one of the most distin- 
guished men throughout the length and breadth of the 
metropolis. Arminius Wingrove was the name of him ; 
a man of consequence to this narrative as to many 
another one; envied by some, yet esteemed by all who 
knew him, inasmuch as he was one of the leading 
dramatic authors of the period. More of him anon. 


40 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


But please to remember, when the time arrives, that you 
have already had the honor of a formal introduction to 
Arminius Wingrove. 

The slave of duty stole back to Box B, and his re- 
appearance with the signal triumph of Messrs. Cadbury 
went entirely unmarked, his luck being such that he 
crept in at the moment the Fairy Godmother waved her 
wand, and the rats and mice, not to mention the lizards, 
became piebald ponies who bore off Cinderella in her 
state chariot to the Prince’s Ball. 

Helen and Lucy Nanna had never seen anything like 
it — never; the Babe crowed with pleasure; Marge and 
Timothy and Alice Clara could merely gasp ; and Father 
confided to Uncle Phil in a sombre undertone that it was 
the best pantomime he had seen for years. 

We give Mr. Hollins our grateful and cordial meed 
for Part I of his noble annual production, what time 
the fire-proof curtain falls upon salvos of wild ap- 
plause, in order that the ladies of the ballet may change 
their clothing, and the orchestra may remove the froth 
from a pint of bitter, and Mary Caspar, brave girl and 
true-blue she-Briton, every inch of her, may drink a 
much-needed cup of tea; while Marge and Timothy 
and Alice Clara and Dick and the Babe and the rest of 
’em obtain first hand information as to what that box is 
that Uncle Phil has acquired by barter from good 
Messieurs Cadbury ee for the sum of three half-crowns. 


THE PANTOMIME 


41 


Dick fancies the pink one. Can’t have it, because it 
ain’t cricket for kids of three to take precedence of 
grown-up ladies rising five. Pipe his eyes, does he? 
Not so, my masters — the yellow one is just as agreea- 
ble to Master Richard who will probably play for Mid- 
dlesex in after life. Timothy thinks that the one with 
the walnuts on it — if Marge don’t mind. Marge don’t 
mind, because there is another one with walnuts on it; 
but even if it stood alone she’d say she didn’t, not that 
there is any particular credit due to her, it simply being 
that she’s kind of made like that. 

Helen Nanna preferred the plain. She had never 
tasted anything nicer. Lucy Nanna fancied the one 
with the nougat in it. Daddy didn’t care for choc-o- 
lates. As for Uncle Phil, the munificent donor who had 
missed his luncheon, although no one knew it besides 
himself, he took a peppermint warily, but found it quite 
all right. 

But there is the orchestra blaring like a giant re- 
freshed with wine; and in respect of the great Mr. 
Lover this is no more than sober verity, since, at the in- 
stance of a friend and admirer, he had been to interview 
Hebe with yellow curls. Boomed and blared the cor- 
nets to hail the reappearance of the ladies of the ballet, 
in canary-colored stockings which had no clocks upon 
’em. Austere old gentleman, second row of stalls, let- 
ting question of taxed costs, etc., dived for opera 


42 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


glasses, for which he had duly disbursed the fee of six- 
pence as by law prescribed. 

Ping went the clockwork under the chocolate waist- 
coat of Uncle Philip. There she was again. What a 
dream she was in her golden chariot with a diadem over 
her chestnut curls. Bowed and kissed her hand to the 
admiring multitude; stepped down from her chariot, 
smiling, smiling in her royal manner at the footmen as 
she passed them, and followed by all that was best in the 
life of the metropolis as she crossed the threshold of the 
Prince’s domicile. 

Ping went the heart of Uncle Philip. Austere old 
gentleman fumbled for his programme — dear old boy 
lamenting his wretched memory for names. Bald- 
headed light of the Chancery Bar unfolds his pince- 
nez ; outspoken youth in gallery roars out “ Good on 
yer, Mary ! ” 

In our humble judgment outspoken youth was quite 
correct. O ye Maries of England, you ought to be 
proud of her ! Trumpets blared, lights went out, trans- 
formation to Fairyland, and there again was Mary! 
Once again she was going to let the painter go. 

0 ye Maries of England, true heroism is not the 
private perquisite of the Royal Horse Guards Blue. 
The precious seed is in you all, my dears. May you 
always do your respective duties as this particular Mary 
did when England expects it of you. 


THE PANTOMIME 


43 


Right up she went through the middle register, tear- 
ing her poor throat to pieces at every note she took. 
Fairly launched the painter — “ Nelson and his Gen- 
tlemen in Blue.” Don’t know whose the words are — 
Swinburne maybe, or Campbell Thomas, or Dibdin, 
or Gilbert W. S. ; music may have been by Brahms or 
Schubert, or Strauss or Wagner or Debussy, but critics 
of Leading Morning Journal seem to think by none of 
these. 

66 ’Core ! ” roared the cads in the stalls. 

“ ’Core ! ” yelled the bloods in the pit. 

u ’Core ! ” cried the young ladies in the dress circle. 

“ ’Core ! ” roared the member of nature’s nobility all 
over the house. 

“ Right on the spot all the time,” said the Chairman 
of the Syndicate. “ Hollins, have that five years’ con- 
tract put in hand at once.” 

“ Aye, aye, sir,” said Hollins, forgetting the degree 
to which it had pleased providence to call him in the lilt 
of that nautical tune. 

“ Good on yer, Mary,” proclaimed outspoken youth 
with almost pathetic enthusiasm from the front row of 
the gods. 

At the end of the twenty-fourth verse Mr. Lover pre- 
sented a bouquet of lilies of the valley, smilax and 
maidenhair fern to this national heroine. Paid for by 
the management, saith young friend of the Standard 


44 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


News . May be, young sir, but Marge waved fran- 
tically; and the Babe crowed shrilly, and Uncle Philip 
deplored the fact that he had not had the sense to bring 
one himself. 

We pray of your patience, gentles all, to retain your 
seats until the Principal Girl has married the Prince. 
She won’t be long now, that good, brave girl. How 
she has done it we don’t quite know ; and remember, peo- „ 
pie, what British pluck has already done this afternoon, 
British pluck will have to do all over again this even- 
ing. 

“ Girl ought to be in bed,” says Harley Street Physi- 
cian in box, opposite Box B, to old college friend the 
house surgeon at Bart’s. “ She’ll have a temperature 
if she isn’t careful.” 

“ She’s given the house a temperature all right,” said 
the house surgeon at Bart’s, mingling refined humor with 
grave thoughts like the American judge at the funeral 
of his mother-in-law. 

Kids staying of course for the end of it all. Details 
much too banal to inflict upon the overwrought patience 
of the gentle reader. But Father and Uncle Phil, 
lunchless and thirsty, patient and uncomplaining, though 
bored to tears, stand as ever at the back of Box B, 
at the post of duty. Whole-hoggers these upright citi- 
zens, though one was the eldest son of a peer and the 
other connected by marriage with several. But let jus- 


THE PANTOMIME 


45 


tice be done to ’em. They would see it all out to the 
end, in order that Marge and Timothy and Alice Clara 
and the Babe and Helen and Lucy Nanna should be 
sent back in taxis to Number 300 Eaton Place, just 
as they ought to be. 

Father’s handicap was four at Prince’s, and he would 
have much preferred to spend his only free afternoon 
that week at Mitcham where the common is, and where 
you can lose a golf ball about as soon as in any other 
rural spot in Surrey. As for the heir to the barony, 
as all the world doth know, his path as designed for him 
that afternoon by the lady his mother, was the Queen’s 
Hall by Portland Place — that temple of elevated and 
serious energy, wherein Busoni had designed to charm 
— and we hope he would be able to do so — the seventh 
unmarried daughter of not quite a hundred earls. 

Don’t think us forward, O ye Liberal organs of opin- 
ion, for mentioning details so trite as these; but ob- 
serve that young plutocrat, that idle, rich young fellow, 
with astrachan collar and whanghee cane, white spats by 
Grant and Cockbum, bowler hat by Messrs. Scott — ob- 
serve him conducting that convoy of motherless kids and 
their nannas, as simply and politely as though he was the 
father of ’em — and may he one day have five kids and 
two quite nice-looking nannas of his own ! — conducting 
’em through kids in cloaks, kids in mufflers, kids in hats 
and kids without ’em ; through the seething vestibule of 


46 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Drury, down the steps and round the corner; watch 
him hail an honest but ill-favored, likewise a dishonest 
but better favored, motor man. Watch him pack ’em 
in and give directions, assisted by the unsought atten- 
tions of a Distinguished Member of the Great Un- 
washed. 

“ Three hundred Eaton Place. Drive slowly.” 

Oh, Irony ! 

Seeks to find a small piece of silver for the Great Un- 
washed. Can discover four pence merely. Tempered 
gratitude on part of Great Unwashed. A real Toff 
never condescends beneath a tanner; and if he hasn’t 
got one, why, what’s the matter with a bob? 

“ Time for a game of pills before dinner? ” says the 
heir to the barony. 

“ ’Fraid there won’t be time, old boy,” says Father. 
“ Letters to attend to.” 

“ Time for a drink at the Betterton, anyhow,” says 
Uncle Philip. 

That temple of aristocratic Bohemia, at which mon- 
archs sup and which actor managers frequent, is in such 
close proximity to Drury, that only plutocracy in its 
most aggravated form would have called for a taxi in 
order to get to it. But what can you expect, O ye 
Liberal organs of opinion, from the heir to a Tory peer- 
age ! 


CHAPTER VI 


IN WHICH WE DINE OUT IN GROSVENOR 
SQUARE 

Father sat down to write a letter, and Uncle Philip 
smoked a cigarette in a meerschaum holder and read the 
Sporting Times . But the unfortunate young man 
could hardly bring his mind to bear upon those chaste 
pink pages for all that the Dwarf and Mr. Pitcher were 
quite at the top of their form this week. 

Was it that his conscience hurt him? Fretting about 
Busoni do you suppose? Wondering whether the sev- 
enth unmarried daughter and the dearest mother had got 
to Queen’s Hall unscathed, and had also managed to get 
back again all right? 

May have been so. If there is a doubt about it, con- 
scientious fellow is entitled to benefit thereby; but we 
are bound to admit there is a doubt upon the subject. 

And our reasons be these, lieges all and masterful 
men. At twenty to seven, long before Father had fin- 
ished his letters, who should deign to enter the silence 
room but the identical Arminius Wingrove, to whom the 
gentle reader has already had the honor of a formal in- 
troduction. 


47 


48 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Ping went the heart of the heir to the barony. He 
rose from his chair of russia leather, lately recovered 
at the behest of the Committee, and trod softly across 
the turkey carpet, old but good. 

“Fathead,” said the heir to the barony — for this 
coarse familiarity we can only offer the excuse that the 
Great Man had always been Fathead to his familiars 
since his Oxford days — “ Fathead,” said the heir to the 
barony, “ I want to talk to you.” 

Fathead almost looked as though he had no desire to 
converse with the too-familiar groundling, being due to 
take the Dowager Duchess of Bayswater to dine at the 
Ritz Hotel. 

But on all occasions Arminius knew how to assume the 
air of the bon camarade. 

66 Fire away. Only five minutes. Dining old Polly 
Bayswater at the Ritz.” 

“ More fool you,” said the profane young man. 

Alas ! that nothing is sacred to the helots of the But- 
ton Club. 

“ Come into the smoking-room, where we can talk a 
bit.” 

“ Five minutes only,” said Arminius Wingrove, fix- 
ing his eyeglass with his accustomed air of mental 
power. 

The heir to the barony laid hold of the arm of the 
famous dramatist, as though he didn’t intend to let it 


IN GROSVENOR SQUARE 


49 


go; hustled him into a room adjoining, deposited him 
in the emptiest corner, ordered two sherries and angos- 
tura bitters, and straightway proceeded to show what 
comes of spending Saturday afternoon in places licensed 
by the Lord Chamberlain for stage performances. 

“ Do you know by any chance the girl who was Cin- 
derella? ” 

Superfluous question to ask of Arminius Wingrove, 
we can tell you that. Are you not aware that the 
young person who played Cinderella had already cap- 
tured all that was best in the life of the metropolis? 
What a question to ask Arminius Wingrove who knew 
every man, woman, and infant phenomenon worthy of 
regard, from Anna Maria, Duchess Dowager of Bays- 
water, to the ticket inspector on the Vauxhall trams. 

“ Know her? Of course I know her. And it was I 
who chose her first long-clothes for her.” At least the 
air of bland surprise of Arminius Wingrove was open to 
that interpretation, although, of course, modesty would 
have restrained him from saying anything of the kind. 
66 Everybody knows her — now." 

“ Didn’t know she was famous,” said the heir to the 
barony, limp as rags. 

Arminius measured him in his naivete, though not 
with the naked eye. 

“ Absolute nailer,” said the heir to the barony. 

All vieux jeu to Arminius W. Took out his watch — 


50 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


inset with jewels of rare variety — a present from — 1 
never mind who, ye froward journalists. 

66 Ritz at eight. Polly will curse if kept waiting for 
her meals.” 

“ Absolute nailer,” said the vain young man. 
fitf Would like to meet her awfully if you can manage it 
for me.” 

Arminius Wingrove pondered some. 

“ Why — ye-es,” said that great man. 

“ Thought perhaps ? ” 

Arminius Wingrove pondered more. 

“ Must go — poor old Polly. But be at the Carlton 
Monday at five.” 

With suppressed, but deep and sincere, emotion the 
heir to the barony wrung the be jeweled hand of Arminius 
Wingrove. Never more would he pull his leg. Not a 
bad chap ; harmless very. 

“ Have another sherry?” 

Nary. 

Exit Arminius Wingrove to dress to take old Polly 
to the Ritz Hotel. Let us hope his evenin’ will not be 
as dull as in his heart of hearts he fears it will be ; and 
even if he is carried out a corpse at a quarter-past eleven 
from that palatial building which is not so far from 
Piccadilly, his dying thought must be that he perished 
in the performance of a kind, considerate, and gentle- 
manly action. 


IN GROSVENOR SQUARE 


51 


Not of course, my lords and gentlemen, that it was 
the first he had performed by many. 

The plutocrat was dining, too. With whom? inquires 
Transatlantic Journalist. With his people, of course, 
in Grosvenor Square. Not at all romantic. Wasn’t it, 
though? Adela and her Pa were going, although Pa 
never went anywhere since the rheumatism. 

Nobody else; just en famille . Something in the air? 
Does look rather like it, doesn’t it, Cousin? A little 
previous perhaps ; and it doesn’t do to be too previous, 
even in modem journalism. 

Dressed in the Albany in his tightest evening trou- 
sers did this idle, rich young fellow; although the ques- 
tion why he could not have performed that action under 
the roof of his excellent parents at No. 88 Grosvenor 
Square, the corner house, can only be answered on the 
plain hypothesis that his uncle and aunts and other 
collaterals had left him a great deal of money to play 
with. 

White waistcoat, of course ; buttons mother o’ pearl ; 
tie by Mr. Thomas Ling; pomade by Truefitt for the 
upper story. Even his man was proud of him. But 
we grieve to relate that his reception at No. 88 Gros- 
venor Square, the comer house, was not so cordial as it 
might have been, considering that up to the time of 
writing the life of this idle, rich young fellow was void 
of serious blemishes. 


52 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


He could feel the frost even before he took off the 
coat with the astrachan collar. 

“ Ought to keep a stove, Jenkins, in this hall during 
the winter months.” 

But that well-trained servitor looked solemnly down 
his Wellington nose, because even he could perceive that 
the temperature that was already up against Master 
Philip had nothing whatever to do with the state of the 
British climate. 

“ Lady Adela and his lordship ’ave been here a quar- 
ter of a hower, sir.” 

What! twenty past eight. O curst pantomime of 
Drury! O curst vision in thy chestnut curls, that thou 
shouldst annihilate time and space for a comparatively 
recent creation — although a Tory one, happily ! 

“ I look like getting it in the neck properly,” said 
the vain young fellow for his personal private informa- 
tion; and Mr. Jenkins, that well-trained servitor, who 
heard him not, would yet have concurred had he hap- 
pened to do so. 

Certainly this surmise was fairly accurate. Adela’s 
gaze was very cool and level ; her method of voice pro- 
duction also enhanced her statuesque appearance. 
Even her Pa looked the reverse of cordial, but that of 
course, was rheumatism. 

Such a pity he had missed Busoni, said the good old 


IN GROSVENOR SQUARE 


53 


Mater. Dear Adela had enjoyed the Second Rhapsodie 
of Liszt so much. 

Pa’s seventh daughter may have done so, but her 
demeanor seemed rather to make a secret of the informa- 
tion. 

Certainly have to take to Jaeger underclothing, now 
that the frost had come at last. Shivered poor young 
fellow, as he took in Adela in sequins, a frock he had 
seen her in before. 

Cross as two sticks. Oh, yes, a proper minx. If she 
will go on like this, we shall really have to see about a 
boor who will abuse her. 

Pa talked high politics with First Baron: whether 
it was merely fun of Wilhelm, or whether Wilhelm 
weally meant it. 

“We will keep our eyes upon him,” said these two 
distinguished compeers of Mr. Harold Box. 

“ Dear Adela,” said the good old Mater, “ don’t you 
think that Elektra is quite the finest music that Wagner 
has ever written ? ” 

Dear Adela didn’t really know. In fact she didn’t 
seem to care about Elektra, or about Busoni, or about 
Sir Henry Wood. Seemed to think that salted almonds 
and Burgundy were of more importance far, although 
we are bound to say that we think dear Adela was wrong 
in this. 


54 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Of course it was up to Mr. Philip, as a man of birth 
and education to have a word or two to say. But un- 
luckily for him, in the stress of his laudable ambition, 
he suddenly slipped his bridle, and waltzed right into the 
conversation. 

It was not so much lack of tact as the act of destiny. 
He could be as tactful as another previous to attending 
this ill-fated matinee at Drury Lane; but since that 
tragic action he was merely one more tempest-tossed 
mortal — for all the soigne look he had — in the grim 
toils of fate. 

“ I wish you had come, Adela, really,” said the vain 
young man. “ There was a girl there playing Cinder- 
ella!” 

“ How interesting,” said the good old Mater. 

Adela nibbled a salted almond pensively. 

“ Absolute nailer,” said Mr. Philip. 

“ How very interesting. And Busoni’s first piece was 
the overture to the polonaise by Chopin — quite classi- 
cal, of course, but so full of verve and charm.” 

“ Her name is Mary Caspar, and Teddy Clapham 
hadn’t heard of her before.” 

“ What a strain it must be for those poor profes- 
sionals. It made one quite ill to watch Busoni. Poor 
man got so excited, but a polonaise in such a difficult 
form of music, one understands.” 

“ 6 Nelson and his Boys in Blue 5 was absolutely rip- 


IN GROSVENOR SQUARE 


55 


pin’. I say, Mater, if you have some free afternoon, 
Saturday or Wednesday, I should like you and Adela 
to come and hear her sing it, awfully.” 

“ And Sir Henry Wood conducted so admirably, 
didn’t he, Adela dear? ” 

“ I suppose he is a good conductor,” said Adela. 
“ But music is so tiresome unless one happens to be 
musical, and even then one is likely to be bored.” 

“ Ought to have come to Cinderella,” said Mr. Philip. 
“ Enjoyed it awfully, I’m sure. An absolute nailer. I 
mean to go again.” 

Even with a weight-for-age allowance for the tact, 
the charm, and the urbanity of one of London’s leading 
Constitutional hostesses, it would be idle to speak of 
the evening as a great success. The good old Mater 
did all that a brave woman and a devoted mother could 
have done in the circumstances, but such was the atmos- 
pheric pressure that at last she was obliged to ask the 
butler whether anything had gone wrong with the ven- 
tilator of the new fire grate, which she had always viewed 
with suspicion from the moment it had been put in. 

In the withdrawing-room the frost grew worse. 

“ I must really have my cloak,” said the mother of 
the heir. 

Vain to stir the fire ; nought could uncongeal the at- 
mosphere. No, it was not one of your successes, Mater; 
no use pretending, is it? Better face the facts, but 


56 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


you are not to blame, my dear. From the first you have 
acted in simple good faith, in accord with your excel- 
lent Suffolk Colthurst instincts; and they are very safe 
things to go by as a rule. 

It was right and kind of you to help dear Adela to 
take up the problem of a young man who had rather 
more money than was good for him, and who would be 
all the better for having a nice sensible girl to spend it 
for him. And we are free to admit that Adela was 
capable of making herself uncommonly useful in that 
way if only she would have brought her mind to bear 
upon the subject. 

Please don’t jump to such hasty conclusions, says a 
Feminine Reader at this point — alas ! that we have so 
few. When sir, you suggest that dear Adela was not 
allowing her mind to bear upon the subject of Mr. 
Philip, you merely prove how nearly human ignorance 
of the crude masculine variety can come to the precipice 
of a very unsafe conclusion. 

The fact that dear Adela wore sequins, says this wise 
lady, when she knew that Mr. Philip thought they did 
not do justice to her charms, and the fact that she was 
at pains to let him know that her afternoon at Queen’s 
Hall had tired her so much that she now preferred salted 
almonds to general conversation, should make it clear 
to the meanest intelligence that dear Adela had a think- 
ing part. If, as you say, proceeds our mentor, this 


IN GROSVENOR SQUARE 


57 


young man was an eldest son, and his evening clothes 
suited him so very well — which, by the way, one rather 
takes for granted in Grosvenor Square — it was just 
as well perhaps for him to learn to come to heel at the 
outset, so that both dear Adela and he might be saved 
unnecessary trouble after Dr. Bridge had played Op. 9. 

It is hard, concludes the wise lady, for human error of 
the crude masculine variety to go much further than 
yours has done, if for a moment you could allow your 
deluded readers to imagine that a well-born girl could 
treat with more than feigned indifference an educated 
Englishman with a comfortable private fortune. Be- 
cause no well-born girl ever is indifferent to three ad- 
dresses and possibly a yacht, however much she may 
appear to be so. 

The morning following being Sunday, dear Adela 
kept her bed till Monday instead of going to church. 

“Where is the Pain?” said Sir Wotherspoon Ogle 
Bart. 

The rude girl snapped at him a little, although he 
was such a very dear old Fellah, as Windsor Cassel used 
to say. But he quite agreed that dining with dull peo- 
ple was likely to overthrow a sensitive digestion; still 
for the next twenty-four hours at any rate, she must 
take nothing in the way of nourishment but peptonized 
biscuits and desiccated milk. 

Mr. Philip hardly missed her genial presence at St. 


58 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Sepulchre’s as much as he might have done perhaps. 
Sitting with his mother only two rows off the chancel, 
with his hair brushed back from his intellectual fore- 
head, he got wrong in the responses, couldn’t find the 
psalms appointed for the Third Sunday, got mixed most 
hopelessly over the order of the prayers. He allowed 
his mind to wander in respect of those appointed for 
the Royal Family ; and when the Reverend Canon 
Fearon, robed in full canonicals and a rather ritualistic 
stole, came to grips with the Laws of Moses, the mind 
of Mr. Philip as it envisaged him, saw a golden chariot 
where other people saw a wooden pulpit merely, and 
instead of an uncovered sconce of shining silver, a dia- 
dem of chestnut curls. 

Mr. Philip finally left the chancel with the good old 
Mater leaning on his arm. She was in need of no as- 
sistance, but it looked maternal. They took a short turn 
in the park to find an appetite for luncheon, but Adela 
wasn’t among the earnest throng of morning worship- 
ers a-walking there. 

In spite of Adela’s absence from the sacred function, 
Mr. Philip did himself quite well at luncheon, as he al- 
ways made rather a point of doing in the matter of his 
meals. In the opinion of this natural philosopher, if 
you have a good inner lining the crosses of this life are 
easier to bear. 


IN GROSVENOR SQUARE 


59 


Adela read the Ladies 9 Field and nibbled at her bis- 
cuits and toyed with her desiccated milk. But we shall 
waste no sympathy upon her, she having snapped at 
the Court Physician — such a very dear old Fellah, with 
a delightful old-world manner, and a clinical thermome- 
ter in the lining of his hat. 

Where Mr. Philip spent the afternoon of Sunday is 
not germane to the issue, but where he spent that of 
Monday can be handed in as evidence if the Court is 
quite agreeable. 

At five o’clock on Monday, the heir to the barony 
looked in at a resort of fashion that we almost blush 
to mention. Youth and beauty in their various dis- 
guises were also there. Some in mink and some in er- 
mine, some in frieze and some in velvet, some with clocks 
upon their wrists, some with clocks upon their stock- 
ings, some in paint and some in feathers, some in hob- 
bles, some without ’em, some in turquoise earrings, some 
in pearls, some in mutch of sanguine hue, some in coal- 
scuttle, some in beehive and other arch creations; and 
as east of Piccadilly the weather was really getting 
rather chilly, all we hope, wearing J aeger underclothing. 

Ping went the heart of the heir to the barony as each 
fresh arrival entered. Ping went the heart of Philip. 
Ping, ping it went continuous, as the patent doors re- 
volved upon their hinges, and rank and fashion, youth 


60 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


and beauty swept proudly past commissionaires and 
other quite unimportant people. But as late as 5:15 
Arminius Wingrove hadn’t shown a feather. 

A puss in every corner worrying buttered scones and 
muffins with the aid of silver-plated forks. All across 
the parquet, under palms and awnings, the latest things 
by Paquin, toyed with their real old china teacups, 
and coquetted with toast and bread, butter and Mon- 
sieur Eschoffier’s most delightful comfit cakes. 

Ping went the heart of the heir to the barony ; ping 
went the heart of Philip ; but although the strain upon 
that important organ was terrific, Arminius Wingrove 
never showed a feather. 

The Blue Bulgarian Bazoukas discoursed really de- 
lightful music; tunes by Strauss and tunes by Wagner, 
oratorio by Monckton, masterpiece by Rubens, chic 
morsels by Debussy, rhapsodies by gentlemen whose 
names are easier to spell in Russian, the latest expres- 
sion of the genius of German, things in Spanish, things 
in French, Elgar and Villiers Stanford, Sullivan and Dr. 
Parry, Leslie Stuart and the Abbe Liszt — but Arminius 
Wingrove never showed a feather. 

Actually the hour of six had struck. With a glance 
of despair at the gold hunting repeater of infamous 
memory, the unhappy young man, for the good of the 
house, peremptorily ordered a glass of water and a 
toothpick. Already the motley throng of muffin-wor- 


IN GROSVENOR SQUARE 


61 


riers, replete with tea and cake and music, had begun to 
take again to taxis, and to pair-horse vehicles, with and 
without cockades. 

Now, what do you suppose had happened to Armin- 
ius ? His excuse, when ten days later it happened to be 
forthcoming, was so comprehensive, that the dignity of 
human nature calls for a special chapter in which to 
unfold the same. 


CHAPTER VII 


IN WHICH WE DRINK TEA AGAIN AT THE 
CARLTON 

It was the simple fact that Arminius Wingrove had 
forgotten all about it. Let us not be hasty in our 
blame, however, since according to his amende to Mr. 
Philip at least ten days after his breach of faith, he 
made it clear that he was without any sort of stain. 

The plain fact was, Arminius Wingrove had been 
commanded at a moment’s notice to shoot at Burnham 
Beeches with Windsor Cassel. Comes as a great sur- 
prise to you, does it? Shouldn’t though. Because, 
when Lord Grey de Stilton caught a chill on the liver 
through standin’ on damp grass, and had to turn it 
up at a moment’s notice under the best medical advice, 
who was there else to send for but England’s handy 
man ? 

Poor idle rich young fellow had to chew dust and 
practice the complete art of humility. When next they 
encountered at the Betterton, ten days after this event, 
and the vain young man, not yet in possession of this in- 
formation, ventured to reproach Arminius familiarly, 
by name, that most distinguished man fixed his eye- 
62 


TEA AT THE CARLTON 


63 


glass with his accustomed air of mental power, and as 
good as asked the heir to the barony, whose career at 
present was not, who the dev-vil he was a-talkin’ to. 
Not in so many words, perhaps, but it almost sounded 
like it. 

“ You are a rotter — so you are — to go back on 
your word like that. You promised to be at the Carlton 
last Monday week, and you never showed a feather. 
And it’s no use say in’ that you did, because I waited an 
hour and a quarter for you.” 

Arminius transfixed the poor unintellectual, though 
not with the naked eye. 

“ You haven’t been to Windsor.” Arminius removed 
his hat in his loyal mannah. “ You don’t know the 
Cassel.” 

Poor young upstart took it in the neck terrific. 

“ Telephone or send a wire? Only just time to pack 
my bag and then damn near had to have a special. I 
feel obliged to chastise you, you cub, for this display 
of eg-o-tism.” 

The luckless heir groveled and begged pardon. Sup- 
posed the affairs of the Empire must always take pre- 
cedence of a muffin-worry, even if the fairest of her sex 
was going to be there. He had a Constitutional mind, 
you see, even if the facts of his life are all against him. 

“ But I’ll overlook it this time,” said Arminius with 
an air of really princely magnanimity, “ if in the fu- 


64 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


ture you will try not to overrate yourself, and you will 
also promise not to be so cursed familiar in mixed com- 
pany. One don’t mind so much in this Bohemian re- 
sort, but when I as a dinner guest meet you as one 
of the mob at the Blenheims I particularly hope you 
will not address me as Fathead before all the congrega- 
tion.” 

Deep shame overflowed the blonde complexion of the 
heir. 

“ You’ve been asking for it a long time,” said Armin- 
ius grimly, “ and you’ve got it now. Cheek I abhor 
from a new creation. But as I like you pooty well, I 
am going to forgive you.” 

The heir to the barony was only too glad to be for- 
given on these terms by such a distinguished man ; and 
in this, although we may lay ourselves open to correc- 
tion, we consider him quite right. 

He could not sleep just now, you know, when he went 
to bed at night. A rare vision enthralled him when he 
dined, and when he supped; playing at billiards under 
the guidance of Mr. John R-b-rts; losing at games of 
chance, money he had never earned; riding in the park 
with Adela, who had recovered of her indisposition, had 
been to High Cliff, and had come back again ; going with 
his mother to concerts and museums like a dutiful young 
chap ; buying cigarettes at Harrod’s Stores ; shaving in 
the morning with his safety razor or pulling off his 


TEA AT THE CARLTON 


65 


socks at night — his only thought was Cinderella and 
her diadem of chestnut curls. 

He had been several times in front to see her, but he 
didn’t know Mr. Hollins anything like well enough to 
dare to go behind. And not one of his many friends 
in the metropolis seemed able and willing to bring him 
closer to his divinity, with the sole and august exception 
of Arminius Wingrove. 

That is why perhaps the young man ate humble pie 

ad. lib. 

“ I’ve only one afternoon free this month, and that’s 
to-morrah,” said Arminius. 

Most unfortunate, but it happened that on the mor- 
row the vain young fellow was booked to take Adela 
and her Cousin Jane from Cumberland, to drink tea at 
Claridges’. 

“ Just as you like,” said Arminius Wingrove. “ My 
only afternoon.” 

The young man knitted his brow in grave perplexity. 

“ I wonder if I could persuade Adela to turn up the 
other shop and come to the Carlton. It isn’t quite 
playing the game though, is it ? — and she mustn’t know 
what for, because if she does I’m bound to get it.” 

So supremely bored looked Arminius in the stress of 
these parochial affairs, that like a wise young fellow 
the heir to the barony decided to curtail them somewhat. 

“ Yes, I’ll be there at five to-morrow, Fat — I should 


66 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


say Minnie. Carlton is quite as expensive as the other 
box, although the crush is greater. You know Adela 
Rocklaw, don’t you? ” 

“ Met her at High Cliff,” said Arminius casual-like. 
“ Old Warlock’s daughter. Girl you are engaged to.” 

“ Not engaged exactly.” 

“ Thought you were.” 

“ Not exactly. Not official yet.” 

“ Time it was then,” said Aminius, with magisterial 
gravity. “ Just the girl for you.” 

Perhaps. 

Life itself is a great perhaps says — no, there hardly 
seems sufficient provocation to fix the blame upon any 
private individual for his venerable saw. But all the 
same, peut-etre is perhaps the most important word in 
any tongue. 

The morrow at the hour appointed brought forth the 
vain young fellow with Adela looking very smart, and 
Cousin Jane from Cumberland looking rather the re- 
verse of fashionable. Precautions had been taken to 
book a comfortable table in a sequestered angle, where 
the Blue Bulgarian Bazoukas would be unable to wreck 
any conversation that might happen to be forthcom- 
ing. 

The heir was feeling all to pieces, and Adela, as usual, 
was not so very gay. She had said Claridges’ dis- 
tinctly. Why had he not obeyed instructions? 


TEA AT THE CARLTON 


67 


Five p. m. but never a sign of Arminius Wingrove. 
But even the heir to the barony, with that sinking sen- 
sation behind his waistcoat, as he ordered tea and muf- 
fins for three persons, was man of the world enough to 
be aware that Arminius mightn’t appear very much be- 
fore the hour of six had tolled. He was beginning 
slowly to realize that individuals so humble as himself 
had meekly to hoard any small portions of the loaf of 
human amenity that were cast upon the waters. 

Indeed, the odds were six to four on that Arminius 
would either forget this little engagement for the sec- 
ond time, or that he would be again commanded to the 
Cassel, his keen sense of hu-mor having, according to 
ru-mor, made an e-nor-mous impres-sion. But even if 
calamity again overtook the heir to the barony it was by 
no means clear that he was going to grieve. For a 
fortnight past, asleep and awake, had he dreamed of 
Cinderella, but the gallant sportsman was feeling rather 
cheap just now, as the young minx opposite, with the 
cool blue eye and the chin of domination — ’ware ’em, 
you young bachelors — was engaged in giving him tea 
without any sugar in it. 

“ What ! ” said the young cat. 

They could hear her quite three tables away. 

“ A Mr. Wingrove. Says he’s met you. Thought 
you wouldn’t mind meeting him again — awful brainy 
feller — and he’s bringin’ a girl he knows.” 


68 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ What ! ” snarled the young puss, starting on her 
first muffin. 

Even poor Cousin Jane from Cumberland, who was 
nearly twice the age of the young minx, got snubbed 
most severely when she ventured some perfectly com- 
monplace remark. And such a nice, sensible girl as she 
was. 

“ How do you spend your time in Cumberland? ” said 
the unfortunate heir, beginning to feel horribly cheap, 
and wondering if he might venture upon a large whisky 
and a small apollinaris. 

66 I hunt otters all the mornin ’ ! 99 said the nice, sensible 
Cousin Jane, “ and in the evenin’ I gen’rally knit bed- 
socks.” 

You must talk a little louder, please, now that the 
Blue Bulgarian Bazoukas have opened fire upon that 
magnificent 1812 Overture by Tchaikowski. 

“ How rippin’ they play, don’t they, Adela? ” said 
Cousin Jane from Cumberland. “ So nice and loud.” 

“ What ! ” snarled the young minx above the strident 
outcries of the Great Retreat. 

“ Rather makes you think of otter huntin’ — j ust 
when they begin the w 7 orry.” 

The irresistible elan of the Blue Bulgarian Bazoukas 
inspired Mr. Philip to an act of hardihood. Under 
cover of the clamor, he hailed a passing waiter. 


TEA AT THE CARLTON 


69 


“ Large whisky and small polly,” said the desperate 
young man. 

This classic beverage within him, he was once more 
able to look the whole world in the eye. It was indeed 
a happy inspiration, for hardly had his courage risen, 
when at 5 :27 by the hand of the clock among the green- 
ery, a most distinguished figure emerged through a host 
of common persons and converged upon the scene. 

Ping went the central organ of the young man’s be- 
ing. The hour and the man had come to hand. And ye 
gods, there was Cinderella ! 

Retain your presence of mind, my lords and gentle- 
men, the authentic heroine is coming to you, as fast as 
her feet in very sensible number threes can bring her. 
And her trim form is inhabiting a plain blue serge cos- 
tume, made by a very ordinary provincial tailor on very 
reasonable terms, and her mighty sensible head is sur- 
mounted by a hat, not a coalscuttle, nor a sauceboat, nor 
a beehive, but a form of headgear well behind the fashion 
tw^o years ago in Manchester; and there is just a com- 
mon strip of fur round her throat, because the weather 
east of Piccadilly is still blowing rather chilly, and she 
has to sing this evening. 

She is coming past the tables, whose critical occupants 
are wondering why young ladies from the suburbs are 
admitted to this Valhalla which holds all that is best 


70 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


and brightest in the metropolis. Not, of course, that 
Arminius comes within the purview of this misdirected 
criticism ; his far-flung gaze surmounted by a noble top- 
per, astrachan collar inches deeper than the heir’s, white 
spats by Grant and Cockbum, and a very snappy pair 
of gloves. 

The far-flung gaze of Arminius Wingrove has seen 
the vacant places at the table, although he affecteth not 
to notice ’em. 

44 How d’ye do, Lady Adela. When did you return 
from High Cliff? ” 

Rude girl slowly raised a fin. 

44 Awful good of you, Fat — Minnie, I mean — old 
boy.” The heir, stronger for his liquid sustenance, 
spoke in tones of deep emotion. 44 Sit here, Miss Cas- 
par, won’t you? I know you are Miss Caspar, I’ve seen 
you so often lately.” 

General introductions, which even the best society 
seems at present unable to dispense with. 

Nice, sensible Cousin Jane from Cumberland smiled 
so kind and pleasant, and thought they ought to have 
more tea. 

44 And what’s your choice in cakes, Miss Caspar?” 
said the young man brightly. 44 Scones or muffins or 
some of those toppin’ things with sugar on ’em.” 

44 Thanks, anything’ll do for me,” said the Principal 
Girl, as easy as if she was playing Cinderella. 44 No 


TEA AT THE CARLTON 


71 


fresh tea — quite warm and liquid. Just as I like it. 
I’ll pour it out myself. No use offering tea to Mr. 
Wingrove. A whisky and apollinaris, and — I didn’t 
catch your name — hadn’t you better have another one 
yourself? ” 

Oh, how rippin’ ! The heir to the barony was 
wreathed in smiles. But the rude girl opposite stared 
considerable at this simple spontaneity and natural ease 
of bearing. 

“ Such a bore,” said Arminius. “ Got to go to-mor- 
rah to the Cassel. Daresay, Lady Adela, I shall meet 
you there.” 

“ Papa is so poorly,” said the rude girl, thawing some. 
“ But, of course, Aunt Selina will explain it to the Cas- 
sel as she is in waiting there just now.” 

“Don’t know Blackhampton ? ” said Cinderella. 
“ Oh, but you ought to know ; it is every Englishman’s 
duty to know Blackhampton. Dear, dirty old Black- 
hampton ! ” said the Principal Girl. “ The very best 
town in England. You are always sure of your friends 
in front when you play in Blackhampton.” 

The heir to the barony supposed it was so. Not in 
any perfunctory spirit. How do you suppose the 
young chap could be perfunctory with his divinity 
drinking her tea, and eating Monsieur Eschoffier’s fa- 
mous comfit cakes as though she enjoyed them thor- 
oughly. 


72 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Don’t let as heed the rude girl opposite. She is quite 
safe in the competent hands of Arminius. 

“ Here’s your whisky and polly,” said the Principal 
Girl ; “ and Mr. Wingrove’s, too. Better have some 
more tea, I think. Miss Percival and Lady Adela are 
going to have some to keep me company. Oh, yes, 
please . And I say, waiter, have you any of those cakes 
with currants in them, like you get at Blackhampton? ” 

The waiter said he would inquire. 

Never mind the rude girl opposite; Arminius has her 
in hand. With that chaste pair of yellow gloves and 
his knowledge of the world, he will be able to manage 
her, no doubt. A Miss Caspar — Drury Lane — going 
far said those who knew — the Backinghams were taking 
her up — the stock was bound to go higher. Sorry 
that the stage had no interest for Lady Adela. Yes, 
the Cassel was looking awfully well just now, in every 
way quite its own bright and cheery Presence. 

The heir to the barony said he had been to Black- 
hampton. 

“ Only once — but I’ve been there.” 

“ Oh, how interesting! — to play for the Olympians 
against Blackhampton Rovers — no — really — I didn’t 
catch your name — why who are you ? ” 

“ My name is Shelmerdine,” said the heir to the bar- 
ony, as modestly as the circumstances permitted. 

“ Why — the Mr. Shelmerdine ! ” 


TEA AT THE CARLTON 


73 


If there was such a person as the Mr. Shelmerdine, 
the heir to the barony feared it was a true bill. 

Cinderella, with her provincial naivete, didn’t know 
that lords and people did such democratic things as 
these. 

44 Do all sorts of wild things when you are up at the 
’Varsity,” said the heir to the barony. 44 And, of course, 
you know, that was before my guv’nor got his leg up.” 

44 Now it is no good your being modest, is it? ” said 
Cinderella. 44 Because I know all about you. It was 
you who kicked those three goals against Scotland in 
Nineteen Four.” 

The confusion of the heir to the barony was dire. 

44 Not a bit of good your blushing, is it? I saw the 
match — I was only a flapper then playing Fairy Foot- 
light at the Royal Caledonian, Glasgow, and I went 
with my Aunt Bessie to Celtic Park, and saw you kick 
three goals, and I won tons of chocolates off the Scotch- 
ies in the Company, because I had put my pinafore on 
old England, as I always have, and as I always shall — ” 

44 — They say the new system of drainage at the 
Cassel — ” 

44 — Steve Bloomer himself couldn’t have done better 
than you did that day — and it is no use your being 
modest, is it? — ” 

44 — And the Kaiser is one of the most charming and 
well informed men I have ever — ” 


74 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ And so you are really the great Phil Shelmerdine, 
with your hair brushed just as nice as ever. Even 
when I was a flapper and wore a blue ribbon round my 
pigtail, I used to think your hair was lovely. You 
ought never to have left off playing socker; but I sup- 
pose you kind of had to when Mr. Vandeleur made a 
peer of your poor father. But England needs you 
more than ever now that Steve is on the shelf.” 

“ Don’t you find the theater a very trying profes- 
sion, Miss Caspar?” said nice, sensible Cousin Jane 
from Cumberland. “ Aren’t the late hours a fearful 
strain? ” 

“ One sort of gets used to them,” said Cinderella. 
“ I’m as strong as a pony ; and it’s great fun ; and it is 
wonderful how one gets to love the British public.” 

“ And how the British public gets to love you, Miss 
Caspar — not, of course, that I mean that that is won- 
derful.” 

Not so bad for a very dull young man. We only 
hope the young fellow won’t get out of his depth, that’s 
all. 

“ Oh, Homburg is the greatest bore of all.” The 
seventh unmarried daughter suspended the story of her 
sorrows to train a gaze of twenty-four candle-power 
upon the heir. 

“ I shall never forget your Cinderella — and such a 
cold as you had ! But it seems to be better now.” 


TEA AT THE CARLTON 75 

“ The best way with a cold is to pretend you haven’t 
got it.” 

“ And I shall always remember the way you sang 
6 Arcadee,’ and 4 Nelson and his Gentlemen in Blue.’ 
We were in a box, you know, second tier on the left, 
my friend Clapham and his five kids — lost their mother 
last year — and their nannas. They simply howled 
with joy. That little Marge is a nailer. I should like 
you to see her, Miss Caspar, and when she grows up 
she’ll be just like you.” 

Miss Insolence opposite rose in the majesty of black 
velvet and white ermine. 

“ Goo’-by.” 

Arminius received a fin at an angle of sixty-five de- 
grees. 

“ Jane.” 

Cousin Jane was so glad to have met Miss Caspar, 
and before she returned to Cumberland she hoped to 
have the pleasure of seeing her play Cinderella. 

“ Well, I’m awfully proud to have met you, Miss Cas- 
par. And I hope you’ll bring some of your friends 
along to the Albany, B4. My number on the telephone 
is 059 Mayfair, and I’ll lay in a stock of cake.” 

“ Delighted ! — and you must come and see us, me 
and my old granny — Mrs. Cathcart — used to play 
Lady Macbeth to John Peter Kendall and those old 
swells, although I daresay you can hardly remember 


76 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


them. But she’s a dear, Mr. Shelmerdine; and if you 
want to hear about the dignity of the profession, and 
how her granddaughter’s lowered it, come round to 
Bedford Gardens, Number Ten, any Sunday afternoon, 
and you’ll say she is the dearest old thing about.” 


CHAPTER VIII 


IN WHICH WE MAKE THE ACQUAINTANCE OF 
THE GODDAUGHTER OF EDWARD BEAN 

Mr. Philip counted the hours till Sunday came. 
He was sorely infected now by the deadly virus. 

As for those three goals against Scotland, he had 
clean forgotten them. They were never mentioned in 
his own little world. In Grosvenor Square, in particu- 
lar, no store was set by such irresponsible undergraduate 
behavior. There his career only dated from the time 
he had managed to get his commission rather easily in 
the Second, and he had never been quite forgiven for 
tiring of a respectable course of life so soon. 

It was strange that this sportswoman, so full of sense 
and pluck, had seen him in the crowded and glorious 
hour when life was his in its fullness. He had lived in 
those days, perhaps a little crudely, but now he wanted 
to have done with his idleness and start to live again. 

He was in love with Mary Caspar, and that was all 
about it ! Whether she drank tea at the Carlton or 
warbled ditties on the boards of Drury, she rang tune 
in every note. No wonder that she was the uncrowned 

77 


78 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


queen of many a provincial city; no wonder that every 
errand boy in the metropolis whistled “ Nelson ” and 
“ Arcadee.” 

On his way to his rooms he called at a news-agent’s, 
and invested a shilling in picture-postcards of Mary 
Caspar. 

“ I suppose you sell a lot of these? ” 

“ Hundreds,” said the young man behind the counter. 
« We’ve sold out three times in a fortnight, and the de- 
mand is increasing.” 

On Sunday afternoon, as five o’clock was striking 
from St. Martin’s Church, Mr. Philip drove up to Bed- 
ford Gardens and pulled the door bell of Number Ten. 

A trim little parlor-maid led him up to a cozy little 
drawing-room. 

Miss Caspar received him with unaffected cordiality. 

“ And this is my Granny, Mr. Shelmerdine,” said 
Cinderella proudly. 

Grandmamma was a stately old dame in a turban, 
turned eighty-four — a really wonderful old lady. 
Her speech was lively and forcible; and her manner had 
the grace of one who had grown old with dignity. It 
had a half-humorous touch of grandeur also, as of one 
who has known the great world from the inside, and is 
not inclined to rate it above its value. 

Grandmamma shook hands, and said she was glad to 
meet the son of his father. 


GODDAUGHTER OF EDWARD BEAN 79 


<fi A good and honorable and upright man I’m sure, 
Mr. Shelmerdine, although his politics are all wrong to 
my mind. You see, we artists, even the oldest of us, 
live for ideas, and these unfortunate Yandeleurites — but 
we won’t talk politics, although it was I who bought 
Mr. Yandeleur his first bells and coral. At that time 
nobody except his mother and myself, and possibly his 
nurse foresaw that he was the future Prime Minister of 
England. Polly, my dear, the tea.” 

“ You boastful old Granny,” said Mary. “ And I 
don’t think Mr. Shelmerdine is a bit impressed.” 

“ But I am — awfully said Mr. Shelmerdine gal- 
lantly, handing the Bohea. 

And he came within an ace of dropping the cup on to 
the hearthrug, because Miss Mary chose at that fateful 
moment to twitch her adorable left eyelid so artfully that 
the young man had to whisk away his countenance to 
keep from laughing in the face of Grandmamma. 

“ Mr. Shelmerdine, tell me, have you seen my grand- 
daughter play at the Lane? ” 

Yes, Mr. Shelmerdine had, and if he might say so, 
admired her playing awfully. 

“ I am sorry to hear you say that,” said Grand- 
mamma. “ To my mind she displays a strange lack of 
ambition. We are an old theatrical family, Mr. Shel- 
merdine. When I was her age I was playing Lady 
Macbeth to John Peter Kendall.” 


80 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


The young man was mightily interested, although 
to be sure this was the first he had heard of John Peter 
Kendall; but happily he had a useful sort of working 
knowledge that Lady Macbeth was the name of a thrill- 
ing drama by the author of Money . 

Miss Mary was quite unscathed by this damaging 
piece of criticism. 

66 Yes, Granny dear, but then you had genius — and 
that’s a thing that doesn’t often occur in any family, 
does it? ” 

“ Mary child ” — the natural grandeur showed a lit- 
tle — “ it is a mere fa$on de parler to speak of ambi- 
tion, respect for one’s calling, determination to live up 
to the highest that is within oneself, as genius. More- 
over, the absence of genius is a poor excuse for lower- 
ing the traditions of a distinguished family. Mr. 
Shelmerdine, I hope you agree with me.” 

Appealed to at point-blank range, the young man 
was fain to agree with Grandmamma. But if his note 
of conviction was not very robust, it must be remem- 
bered that his present ambition was to run with the hare 
and to hunt with the hounds. 

“ By taking pains,” said Grandmamma, “ and show- 
ing a proper reverence for its calling, even a modest 
talent may add a cubit to its stature. That at least 
was the opinion of John Peter Kendall and Mr. Ma- 
cready.” 


GODDAUGHTER OF EDWARD BEAN 81 


Mr. Shelmerdine cordially agreed with those great 
men. 

“To think of my granddaughter playing Cinderella 
at the Lane when she should be playing Lady Macbeth 
at His Majesty’s ! ” 

“ Oh, but ma’am,” said the young man, “ she is a 
nailin’ good Cinderella, you know.” 

“ A nailing good Cinderella, when her great-grand- 
mother played with Garrick, and one of her forebears 
was in Shakespeare’s own company ! ” 

The young man thought silence would be safer here. 
Still, knightly conduct was undoubtedly called for. 

“ I hope you won’t mind my sayin’, ma’am,” said he, 
“ that she’s the finest Cinderella I’ve ever — although 
I daresay I oughtn’t to say it in her presence.” 

But Grandmamma would admit no extenuating cir- 
cumstance. Mary was a disgrace. 

“ Well, dear Granny,” and again that wicked left 
eyelid came into action, “ you can’t deny that next year 
the Lane is going to double my salary, although I am 
sure I get quite enough as it is.” 

“ Child, do you suppose that John Peter Kendall 
would have urged such an excuse ? ” 

' Grandmamma’s majesty dissolved Cinderella in light- 
hearted mirth. 

“ X quite see your point, ma’am,” said the heir to the 
barony, playing as well as he knew how. 


82 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ Mr. Shelmerdine,” said the old lady, “ I make you 
my compliments on your good sense.” 

It must certainly be said for the heir to the barony 
that he made quite a favorable impression upon Grand- 
mamma. Rather a plume in the bonnet of the parfit, 
gentil knight moreover; because as Granny had been 
kissed by Mr. Dickens, used regularly to call upon Mr. 
Thackeray in Young Street, had dined and supped 
with Mr. Gladstone, and had a very poor opinion, indeed, 
of Mr. Disraeli, she must be reckoned rather a judge. 


CHAPTER IX 


A LITTLE LUNCH AT DIEUDONNl’S 

Sore were the ravages of the ancient malady. It 
made it worse for the sufferer that he had never had it 
before. 

He was twenty-eight, a very healthy and normal cit- 
izen, 44 a little slow in the uptake,” to be sure, but with 
private means already, and the heir to the paternal 
greatness. He should, of course, like other paladins, 
have tried to keep out of mischief by serving his king 
and country. 

It was a mistake to have left the Second, said his ad- 
mirable parents. He wanted a wife, said all the world. 
It was really necessary that a young man of his age 
should provide himself with this most indispensable ac- 
cessory. 

In his torpid way he rather agreed. But he got no 
forrarder, although it was perfectly clear that the in- 
dispensable accessory was his for the asking. 

To be sure, he had never exactly hit it off with Adela. 
Self-willed and overbearing young women, doubtless, had 
their reason to be ; but he was much too shrewd a young 
chap to crave to be tied up for life with one of them. 
83 


84 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Still, if he wasn’t careful the fetters might easily be 
riveted. Things had rather shaped that way for twelve 
months past. 

All the same, it behooved him to be wary. The fruit 
was ripe. A single shake of the branch and it might 
fall from the tree. 

Cinderella had shaken the tree pretty severely. Sim- 
ple, kind and cheerful she was just the sort of girl you 
could get on with. Straight as a die, overflowing with 
life and sympathy, she had the noble faculty of being 
genuinely interested in all the world and his wife. 

Would she come out to lunch? 

Oh, yes, any day except Wednesday and Saturday, 
when she had to play. 

So the very next morning they lunched at Dieu- 
donne’s, and everything seemed perilously pleasant. 

Punctual to the minute ! How delightful to have a 
table in the corner! The restaurant of all others she 
liked to lunch at ; and lark and oyster pudding and 
Chablis, the fare above all others that she coveted. 

Comparisons are odious, but really . . . ! 

Didn’t he think Granny was wonderful? And really 
quite great in her day. A link with the past, of whom 
the profession was very proud. 

Was Miss Caspar never tired of the theater? Wasn’t 
it an awful grind? Didn’t she ever want a night off? 
When she felt as cheap as she must have been feeling a 


A LUNCH AT DIEUDONNE’S 


85 


fortnight ago last Saturday, didn’t she just want to 
turn it up ? 

Perhaps — sometimes. But then her motto was Nel- 
son’s, never to know when you were beaten. It was 
Nelson’s motto, wasn’t it? Besides, having two thou- 
sand people in your pocket gave you such a sense 
of power. And then the princely salary, a hundred 
pounds a week, and next year it was going to be dou- 
bled. She really didn’t know how she would be able to 
spend it. 

Why spend it at all? Why not invest it at four and 
a half per cent.? 

Oh, yes — for a rainy day ! 

Such an idea was evidently quite new to Cinderella, 
and she proclaimed it as the very zenith of human wis- 
dom. 

“ You must let me spend a little, though.” 

She spoke as though he had charge already of her 
hundred pounds a week. 

“ Not more than a fiver now and again. No need, 
really. Of course when you take a holiday abroad you 
can dip a bit if you want.” 

Granny thought the provinces were vulgar, but Cin- 
derella was quite sure that Mr. Shelmerdine didn’t agree 
with Grandmamma. 

“ Now look me right in the eye, and tell me whether 
the provinces are vulgar. Honest Injun now ! ” 


86 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


The good gray eyes were open to a width that was 
positively astonishing. 44 Look right in, and consider 
yourself upon your oath.” 

Mr. Shelmerdine did not agree with Grandmamma — 
being upon his oath. 

44 No, of course. The provinces are hearty and easy 
to get on with, and we are very fond of each other, and 
I don’t consider either of us vulgar. It is Granny’s 
Victorianism, to which I always pretend to give in — al- 
though I don’t, of course. Do you know dear, dirty 
old Sheffield? The next time you go and play against 
the Wednesday — I beg your pardon, I had forgotten 
those wretched Tories had made your father a peer — 
well, the next time you go to Sheffield — which you 
never will again — ask the dear old Tykes whether they 
have ever seen Mary Caspar as Alice in Dick Whitting- 
ton. Why, it was I who presented the Cup and Med- 
als to the United when they won the Hallamshire and 
West Riding Charity Vase.” 

44 Oh, really.” 

44 You mustn’t say, 4 Oh, really.’ You must say, 

4 Did you, ma lass ! I wish I’d been playin’ in ta 
match.’ ” 

Would Miss Caspar have a cigarette? 

With pleasure ; but she insisted on lighting his before 
he was allowed to light hers. 

44 1 wonder if I know you nearly well enough to call 


A LUNCH AT DIEUDONNfi’S 


87 


you Philipp ” she said at about the fourth puff. “ Your 
name is such a long one, isn’t it? 99 

The heir to the barony was bound to admit that his 
name was long, and that even Philip was shorter when 
it became Phil. 

“ Wouldn’t Phil be just a little familiar, considering 
that we have only known each other a week ? ” 

“ I seem to have known you for years and years and 
years.” 

“ Well, if you really mean that, Philip, I don’t think 
there is any reason why it shouldn’t be Phil. But you 
mustn’t go beyond Mary, you know. There is only one 
other person outside the family who calls me Polly, 
because somehow I object to Polly on principle. And 
you’ll never be able to guess who that is.” 

“ Mr. Vandeleur? ” 

“ Dear no — of all people. I am a perfectly fero- 
cious Rag.” 

“ Well, I hope it isn’t — ? ” 

“ — Be careful, Philip. Very dangerous ground. 
But, no, it isn’t he. The only other person who is al- 
lowed to call me Polly is the Lessee and Manager of the 
Royal Italian Opera House, Blackhampton.” 

A sudden pang of consternation went through the 
heart of Mr. Philip. There was a confounded ring on 
her finger ! 

“ Goose,” said Mary, amused not a little by the course 


88 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


of the young man’s gaze. 46 Old enough to be my 
father. But he’s a dear; and if I ever marry anyone — 
which I never shall, of course — I don’t think I should 
mind marrying him, although he’s just celebrated his 
silver wedding, and he’s got a family of eleven, seven 
girls and four boys, all with a broad enough accent to 
derail any tram in Blackhampton.” 

Yes; Mr. Philip enjoyed every moment of this little 
luncheon at Dieudonne’s. 

Before going to misspend his afternoon at one of 
his clubs, he accompanied the charmer as far as Bed- 
ford Gardens. They went on foot for the sake of the 
exercise, which she vowed she would rather die than do 
without ; along the Strand if he didn’t mind, because she 
loved it so. 

The Strand was a wonderful place, they both agreed. 
Certainly, he had been in it before — often — though 
always on the way to the play or to supper at the Savoy. 
But he had to admit that this was the first time he had 
come to it in broad daylight as an amateur. 

44 You get more human nature to the square inch in 
the dear old Strand than any place in the world,” said 
this young woman who had traveled the five continents 
in the exercise of her calling. 

44 Piper, miss. ’Orrible murder in the Borough.” 

Mary was proof against this lure, and with true 
feminine irrelevance proceeded to pile insult upon the 


A LUNCH AT DIEUDONNfi’S 


89 


head of injury by calling upon a young gentleman of 
nine, who apparently was not going to Eton next term, 
and whose person was held together by a single button, 
to explain the absence of his shoes and stockings. 

“ Aren’t got none, lidy.” 

“ Why haven’t you? ” 

“ Ain’t ’ad none, lidy, since mother was put away for 
doin’ in father a year lawst Boxin’ night.” 

“ I daresay it is quite a good reason,” said Mary 
Caspar, “ if only it could be translated into English. 
What did your mother do to your father? ” 

“ ’E come ’ome ravin’, and mother throwed a paraffin 
lamp at him, and the judge give her ten years.” 

Mary Caspar opened her purse and produced the 
hundredth part of her week’s salary. 

“ Never let me see you again without your boots — 
or your stockings, either.” 

The recipient looked at the sovereign doubtfully. 
Then he looked up at the donor. 

“ Lidy,” he said, depositing this incredible wealth in 
some inaccessible purlieus of his late father’s waistcoat, 
“ you’re a toff.” 

The heir to the barony was rather silent as they 
turned up Bedford Street. He was, of course, a drone 
in the hive, but he sometimes indulged in the pernicious 
habit of turning things over in his mind. 

“ There’s something wrong, you know, somewhere. 


90 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


A kid not a day more than nine, all on his own. I think 
we ought to have got his name and address.” 

Mary thought he would have forgotten his name, and 
that he wouldn’t have been at the trouble to possess 
himself of anything so superfluous as an address, but 
she agreed with a further display of true feminine ir- 
relevance — and what would any Principal Girl be with- 
out it? — that they certainly ought to have got them. 

And so they turned back for the purpose. But the 
bird had flown. They walked as far as Trafalgar 
Square, crossed over, and came back on the other side, 
but their quarry had quitted the Strand. 

44 We must look out for him again,” said the heir to 
the barony. 44 Although I expect there are thousands 
like him.” 

44 Millions,” said Mary. 

44 And, of course, it don’t matter what you do in in- 
dividual cases, so the Johnnies say who know all about 
it — but you must let me stand that sovereign, although 
it is sweet of you and all that.” 

The heir to the barony produced the sum of one 
pound sterling, and inserted it in Mary’s muff, a very 
ordinary sort of rabbit-skin affair. 

Mary declined point-blank to accept the sovereign, 
which irresponsible behavior on her part made her escort 
look rather troubled and unhappy. 

44 Oh, but you must.” 


A LUNCH AT DIEUDONNIS’S 91 

“ Why? 55 

The heir to the barony seemed perfectly clear in his 
own mind that she ought to do as she was told, but not 
being gifted in the matter of clothing his thoughts with 
language, the reasons he gave seemed both vague and 
inadequate to an independent-minded young woman 
whose salary, for the time being, was equal to that of 
the First Lord of the Treasury. 

They parted on Grandmamma’s doorstep, with a 
hearty hand-shake, and a reluctant promise on Mary’s 
part to come out to tea on the morrow. The young 
man walked on air to one of his numerous houses of call, 
firm in the conviction that he had never enjoyed a 
luncheon so much in all his born days. 

" Ye-es, Agatha, I a-gree with you,” said the first 
Baron Shelmerdine of Potterhanworth at half-past seven 
that evening, twisting his face in the torment of achiev- 
ing the conventional without a suspicion of the baroque 
or the bizarre. “ The ve-ry next shirts I order from 
Hoodlam shall all turn down. Harold Box, I believe — 
so why not I? Oh, confound it all — that’s the third 
I’ve ruined.” 

“ Fetch another Wally, and I will tie it for you,” said 
the Suffolk Colthurst superbly. 

It was humiliation for a Proconsul, but we are 
pledged to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing 


92 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


but the truth in this ingenuous narrative. And of their 
courtesy we ask none of our readers to accuse us of 
malice. 

“You must bend a bit, Wally.” The Suffolk Colt- 
hurst grappled firmly with the situation. “ Better or- 
der two dozen at once from Heale and Binman. Theirs 
carry more starch.” 

Here it was that Destiny came into the picture, casu- 
al-like. 

“ Wally.” The Suffolk Colthurst had just achieved 
a reticent self-respecting single bow. “ Now that Lord 
Warlock has agreed to that settlement, if I were you I 
would send round a note to the Albany for Philip to 
come and see us in the morning.” 

“ Well tied, Agatha. I’ll write a note to Philip, 
now.” 

If the truth must be set down, and that, of course, is 
essential in all circumstances, the parental communica- 
tion, in spite of the fact that it had an impressive device 
on the back and a motto in a dead language, was not 
the first note that was opened at B4 the Albany on the 
following morning. It was not the second or the third 
either, because there was quite a pile of correspondence 
in front of the kidneys and bacon at a quarter-past ten 
in the forenoon of Tuesday, the first of February. 

“ Dear Philip,” said the parental communication 


A LUNCH AT DIEUDONNfl’S 


93 


when it was open at last, “ your Mother will be pleased 
if you will come to luncheon to-morrow, as there is an 
important matter she would like me to speak to you 
about. Luncheon at one-thirty sharp, as I have to 
go down to the House. Your affectionate Father, S. of 
P.” 

Mr. Philip helped himself pensively, but not illiber- 
ally, to kidneys and bacon. He sprinkled salt and pep- 
per over them, spread mustard on the plate, buttered 
his toast, poured out a cup of tea of almost immoral 
strength, read over the parental communication again, 
and then made use of an objurgation. 

“ I wish the good old Mater wouldn’t get so med- 
dlin’,” said he. 

Nevertheless, like a dutiful young man, he decided he 
must go and lunch at No. 88 Grosvenor Square. But 
by the time he had put on his boots with five buttons, 
had been inserted into the coat with the astrachan col- 
lar, and had sauntered forth to his favorite florist’s, 
twirling his whanghee cane, somehow the good old sky 
of London didn’t look quite so bright as it did yester- 
day. 

His favorite florist’s was in the charge of his favor- 
ite young lady assistant, Miss Pearson by name, whom 
a fortnight ago he had serious thoughts of calling Sally 
without her permission. But a good deal of water 
had flowed under London Bridge in the meantime, so 


94 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


that now whether she gave her permission, or whether 
she withheld it, he no longer yearned to be guilty of 
any such freedom. 

Still, Miss Pearson was a very good sort for all that, 
and the heir to the barony raised his hat to her this 
morning in his politest manner, although perhaps it is 
right to remark that he would have done so on any other 
morning, and even if Miss Pearson had not been such a 
very good sort — but in that case he might have gone 
a little higher up the street, as far as Miss Jackson. 

“ Mornin’, Miss Pearson. How are we? ” 

Miss Pearson was so-so. Had been to the Coliseum 
to see Richard 111 the previous evening. 

“ Have you been to Drury yet, Miss Pearson ? ” 

No, but Miss Pearson’s best boy had promised to 
take her next Monday — Monday being her night out. 

“ I envy you, Miss Pearson,” said the heir to the 
barony with emotion. “ And the young chap — of 
course.” 

“ Mr. Shelmerdine,” said Miss Pearson, “ do you 
know what my impression is ? ” 

Mr. Shelmerdine had not the faintest notion what 
Miss Pearson’s impression was. 

“ My impression, Mr. Shelmerdine,” said Miss Pear- 
son, “ is that you are in love.” 

No rebutting evidence being put in, Miss Pearson 


A LUNCH AT DIEUDONNE’S 


95 


grew grave and serious as became a young lady of good 
Scottish lineage on the spindle side. 

“ you’ll take my advice, Mr. Shelmerdine, you’ll 
go a short sea voyage. I’ve noticed a deterioration in 
you during the last fortnight. It is far worse than 
when Cassie Smallpiece was at the Gaiety. I shall go 
and see for myself on Monday, but I’ve no opinion of 
actresses as a class. It is time you married that Lady 
Adela, you know.” 

It was the first time that Miss Pearson had been 
moved to these communications as far as this particular 
client was concerned; but the fair president of the 
smartest florist in Piccadilly was a lady of considerable 
social insight. 

“ Well, Miss Pearson,” said the heir to the barony, 
slowly and thoughtfully, “ you know that I always 
value your opinion, but Mary Caspar is an absolute 
nailer.” 

“ Go across to Dean and Dawson’s,” said Miss Pear- 
son. “ Or you can use my telephone if you don’t want 
to run the risk of crossing the street. Egypt or Switz- 
erland, or a short sea voyage. Think what a blow it 
would be to your father if you didn’t marry a lady in 
society.” 

“ Ha, you haven’t seen her yet, Miss Pearson,” cried 
the incredible young man. " If I could book a couple 


96 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


of stalls for Monday, do you think your young chap 
would mind accepting ’em? ” 

“ Only too pleased, Pm sure,” said Miss Pearson 
promptly. “ No false delicacy about Alf. He’s in the 
greengrocery the other side the Marble Arch.” 

The heir to the barony was a little “ slow in the up- 
take,” but, like others who labor under that natural de- 
fect, in the end he generally contrived to get to his 
destination. 

“ I hope you ain’t throwin’ yourself away, Miss 
Pearson,” said the heir to the barony. “ Blow to your 
people, I’m sure, if you are side-tracked by anything 
under a bank clerk.” 

“ Money before position, Mr. Shelmerdine, is my 
motto,” said Miss Pearson. “ If you’ve got the one, 
you can always get the other.” 

The heir of the barony seemed rather impressed by 
this pearl of wisdom. He pondered it while that very 
able and personable young woman twined a piece of 
wire round a posy of violets. And then, as if to prove 
a general proposition, Position itself appeared, and 
somewhat abruptly terminated this instructive tete-a 
fete. 

Position entered in the person of a youthful marquis, 
leading a bull terrier whose natural beauty was almost 
as chastened as his own. 

“ Why, Shel — haven’t seen you for years ! ” 


A LUNCH AT DIEUDONNfi’S 


97 


Position held out a hand, gloved somewhat aggres- 
sively in yellow. His senior by four years shook the 
gauntlet warily. 

“ Mornin’, Sally.” 

Position turned its back and put its- elbows on the 
counter. It might have been the sole proprietor, not 
only of those most desirable lock-up basement premises, 
but of Miss Pearson and all its other contents. Still, 
no reproof was forthcoming. 

During an even earlier phase of Position’s adoles- 
cence, it had been Mr. Shelmerdine’s privilege as a mem- 
ber of the Eleven, a member of Pop, and of other high 
dignities, to lay into Position in no uncertain manner. 
Alas that his zeal had proved so unfruitful ! 

Autres temps , autre s moeurs. Had we the pen of the 
sage, the fervor of the poet, the sceva indignatio of the 
preacher, what a theme is here, my lords and gentle- 
men! Position not only usurping the badge of in- 
timacy, reserved for the peers of the Keeper of the 
Field, but actually venturing to take pas of him, ad- 
dressing Miss Pearson by her first name, setting his 
elbows on the counter, and removing a bunch of violets 
from her ample bosom, while he — the unspeakable hu- 
miliation of it — actually had to wait meekly for his 
own. 

Had there been a toasting fork within the precincts 
of those desirable lock-up basement premises, it is ap- 


98 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


palling to think of the consequences that might have 
ensued. 

Miss Pearson handed Mr. Shelmerdine his bunch of 
violets in a manner sufficiently degage , as though her 
interest in him had assumed a less acute phase. Rag- 
ing within, the heir to the barony, a mere 1905 creation, 
sought the purer air of the Ritz Arcade, leaving the 
field to 1720, who could be heard saluting Sally not too 
chastely, as his early benefactor hurriedly crossed the 
threshold of his favorite florist’s, and came into some- 
what forcible collision with an elderly, but ample lady 
from Missouri, who was on a visit to Europe, and who 
had come to stay at the Ritz Hotel. 

The elderly ample lady from Missouri was fluent in 
her diction; the heir to the barony was abject in his 
apologies; but eventually the incident was closed by 
the unlucky young man escorting the American citi- 
zeness to her palatial temporary residence, and giving 
her into the care of the hall porter. 

Evidently, it was not going to be his day. But let 
justice be done to the Fates, even when they are behav- 
ing just about as badly as they know how. Had it not 
been that the heir to the barony lingered a moment to 
exchange a few brief but urbane civilities with the hall 
porter of the Ritz, he must inevitably have walked into 
Adela and her Pa who were passing very slowly and im- 
pressively by the portals of this coign of the plutocracy. 


A LUNCH AT DIEUDONNfi’S 


99 


It was a hair’s-breadth escape. The young man had 
only just time to realize his danger, bolt across the 
road, almost under the very wheels of an oncoming 
Barnes and Hammersmith omnibus, escape a threefold 
death by violence at the instance of the passing motor, 
board a taxi, and in a voice tense with emotion beseech 
to be driven to Romano’s. 

A gin and vermouth might be said to have saved this 
full but chequered life. 

66 Called me Shel — my God ! If only I’d got that 
long-handled, old-fashioned one with the five prongs 
f » 


CHAPTER X 


AFFAIRS OF STATE 

Still feeling rather a puppet in the hands of Fate, 
Mr. Philip reached No. 88 Grosvenor Square, the cor- 
ner house, about twenty minutes after the hour ap- 
pointed. But as the great Proconsul really must be 
at the House of Lords by a quarter to four, luncheon 
had already begun. 

“ I notice, Philip,” said S. of P., who had arranged 
with the Woolsack to address his fellow peers in support 
of the Daylight Saving Bill that afternoon, “ that you 
hardly realize the importance of the part played by 
time in the lives of us all. I said half-past one dis- 
tinctly in my note.” 

The unfortunate young man apologized very humbly 
and politely to the great Proconsul. 

Considering what an Odyssey his life had been that 
morning, the young fellow made a very decent luncheon. 
Just the wing of a woodcock, and a bit off the breast, 
a few slices of York ham, a jam puff or so, a bite of 
cheese and an imperial pint of bitter ale out of a pres- 
entation silver tankard bearing the arms of Ch: Ch. 
Blind instinct seemed to tell the young man that he 
100 


AFFAIRS OF STATE 


101 


must keep up his strength, since there was a dull sensa- 
tion behind the chocolate waistcoat, knitted for him by 
his mother, which clearly suggested that trouble was 
looming in the middle distance. Port wine, Green 
Chartreuse, a big cigar, and black coffee all played their 
.manly parts. Yes, with the help of the gods he might 
be able to keep up his end all right; although he was 
by no means sure that he liked that concentrated, 
governing-classes look in the eye of the good old 
Mater. 

The after-luncheon conference in the library was 
most impressive. The Governing Classes were dis- 
tinctly fortissimo ; and in spite of his ample sustenance, 
Mr. Philip felt rather meager in the presence of this 
deep reverence for the established order, and so much 
of that which is best in the public and private life of 
these islands. 

Lord Warlock, subject to certain contingencies, was 
prepared to accept other contingencies in respect of 
Adela. The First Baron was admirably clear and states- 
manlike in his apergw of the most interesting position 
which had been evolved by the higher diplomacy. 

“ Sometime in October, at dear Saint George’s,” 
thought the good old Mater. 

The heir to the barony was silent, dismal, and un- 
done. He had hesitated about a second Green Char- 
treuse; he wished now that he had obeyed his inward 


102 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


monitor. There was a sense of vacuum behind the 
knitted chocolate waistcoat that was really the devil. 

“ It is like this, you know — ” The young man 
floundered and came down rather awkwardly at fence 
Number One. “ Adela and I — well, fact is, we 
haven’t — ” 

The Governing Classes showed great patience. 

“ We haven’t sort of — you know — ? ” 

“ I am afraid we don’t, my boy,” said S. of P. with 
the blandness that goes so well with conscious power. 

“ The end of October is such a good time,” said 
Mother, “ especially if there is to be an autumn ses- 
sion.” 

“ Oh, yes,” said the young man, “ but, fact is, Adela 
and I have never quite hit it off from the start.” 

The Governing Classes, with lowered eyelids, looked 
at one another across the chaste expanse of Messrs. 
Maple’s hearthrug. The pause was rather trying. 
Yes, an awful pity about that second Green Chartreuse. 

At last S. of P. was sorry. 

This may look a little inadequate on the part of S. 
of P. But it wasn’t really. Eton and Balliol, “ dis- 
tinguished public service,” terms of intimacy with His 
Majesty’s late Government are not incapable of reso- 
nance on the domestic hearth. It was already clear 
that the higher statesmanship might have to be tempered 
with a little benevolent autocracy. 


AFFAIRS OF STATE 


103 


“ Warlock is really most liberal — that is, of course, 
for an Irish peerage.” 

M Most liberal, Wally,” the Suffolk Colthurst chimed. 

“ Isn’t October rather soon, Mater? ” said Mr. Philip, 
beginning to shape like a tailor, at fence Number Two. 

“ The sooner, the better, we think.” 

“ I agree with you, Agatha.” 

“ Oh, but — ” said the unfortunate heir. 

The Governing Classes were to be butted no buts, 
however. 

“ Philip,” said the good old Mater, (i your father has 
been at the trouble to draw up an announcement for the 
Morning Post. It will be shown to Lord Warlock this 
evening, and with his sanction it will be sent to the 
editor by the first post to-morrow.” 

“ I don’t think I should trouble, Mater, if I were 
you,” said the unhappy young man. 

Now, that really was rather ineffectual, and sounded 
quite as much so as it appears. 

“ I think the announcement should be made at once,” 
said Father. “ Adela is a charming girl ; you are a 
very lucky fellow; and you are to be envied. Philip, 
my dear boy, I congratulate you with all my heart.” 

S. of P. shook the heir to the barony warmly by the 
hand. 

“ Kiss me, dear Philip.” And Mother offered the 
blonde, bland frontispiece. 


104 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


No seaworthy excuse can be put forward for dear 
Philip’s refusal to kiss his mother. Not a refusal ex- 
actly ; but he burked the issue by asking to be allowed 
to read the announcement which had been drawn up for 
the Morning Post. 

A very little research discovered the interesting doc- 
ument on Father’s writing-table. 

Mr. Philip read the announcement as duly set forth 
in the elegant maternal hand. He then sighed heavily ; 
and then it was the Green Chartreuse at last began to 
play up to its reputation. 

The young man folded up the announcement care- 
fully, and placed it in his cigar case. 

“ Well, if you prefer to send it yourself — so long 
as it is sent, my dear boy.” 

“ I hope you won’t forget all about it, Philip,” said 
the maternal one. 

“ But I am not going to send it,” said the young man, 
all sweetness and simplicity. 

Yes, pretty good work by the Green Chartreuse. 

Dead silence. 

Mother got the first gun into action. 

Why wasn’t dear Philip going to send it? 

Dear Philip thought it was premature. 

Mournful interlude on the tragic note. Warlock 
would not take kindly to delay, said Father in deep 


AFFAIRS OF STATE 


105 


tones. Was it kind to dear Adela? asked the third per- 
son at the conference. 

44 1 shall be glad to hear the grounds of your ob- 
jection,” said S. of P. 

It was merely that they didn’t seem quite to hit it off. 
Adela was an awfully nice girl; the fault was his en- 
tirely ; but still he didn’t quite feel as if — 

In this charming passage in the aria the Suffolk 
Colthurst fluted tremulously. So sweet a girl as Adela, 
so good a family, such excellent connections — 

The great Proconsul was rather grieved, in his deep- 
est and richest baritone. 

But there it was ! said the Green Chartreuse, doing its 
level best for England, Home and Beauty. 

Nevertheless, the Governing Classes seemed hardly 
able to concede that it was there. They were dining 
that evening in Mount Street to meet Warlock’s sister, 
Dumbarton’s sixth duchess. Hadn’t dear Philip better 
return the sheet of note paper to his father? 

The young man rose slowly to confront the Govern- 
ing Classes. 

44 Fact is, you know,” said he, 44 1 haven’t asked her 
yet ; and if I did ask her I’m pretty certain she wouldn’t 
have me. Not that I blame her, of course.” 

44 Philip, you must listen to me,” said the Proconsul. 
44 Lady Adela will, as I have reason to know, be quite 


106 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


willing to identify herself with the wishes of her family. 
My dear boy, allow me to express the hope that you, as 
the future head of yours, will show yourself equally 
amenable.” 

The firmness of the Powers was stupendous. But 
firmness comes easy when you have passed your life 
thinking imperially. 

Wasn’t it all rather selfish of Philip? 

Has a man a right to be selfish, even when he’s stak- 
ing his life’s happiness? Depends on the sort of man 
you are, said the Green Chartreuse. Personally, we 
consider, said the Green Chartreuse, you will be the 
66 absolute it ” in the fool class if you allow your people 
to queer your pitch for you on the score of Family. 
Adela is a cat, and you know it; Mary Caspar is a girl 
in a million, and you know that, too ; you have no need 
to be ambitious; you will have quite as much money, 
and quite as much position as is good for any young 
fellow. If you don’t want to make a clean sweep of 
all the prizes in the Juggins Department you will an- 
swer in the negative in a quiet, firm, and manly voice. 

Here it was, moreover, that Destiny, who seemed to 
hold a watching brief for the defendant, played a very 
useful card for the Green Chartreuse. S. of P. con- 
sulted his watch, and raised his well-brushed white eye- 
brows in dismay. A quarter past three already; and 


AFFAIRS OF STATE 


107 


he made a point of never missing prayers if he had to 
keep an appointment with the Woolsack. 

In the circumstances, there was only one thing to be 
done; it was to move that the Conference stand ad- 
journed. 

“ Come to luncheon on Sunday, Philip, and in the 
meantime there is no need to send the announcement to 
the papers.” 

We hope you concur, my lords and gentlemen, that it 
was a decidedly useful card that the old fox, Destiny, 
had played for the Green Chartreuse. 


CHAPTER XI 


LICENTIOUS BEHAVIOR OF THE GREEN 
CHARTREUSE 

The heir to the barony was a dull young man — it 
is idle to pretend that he wasn’t — yet in his slow-witted 
way he had a habit of turning things over in his mind. 
If he married Adela it would give pleasure to his excel- 
lent parents; it would advance him in the eyes of the 
world ; people would say here is a young man with more 
in him than we thought — see how well he has married. 
But there was no shirking the fact that if he married 
Adela he was bound to be miserable for the rest of his 
days. 

Weak, disgraceful thoughts, Shelmerdine, quoth the 
Twin Brethren, Eton and Christ Church. It was not 
on our playing fields you learned to be so puerile. No 
girl in London makes a more distinguished appearance 
in black velvet. You will shoot at High Cliff. With 
what grace and charm will the seventh married daugh- 
ter preside over that dear little house in Grosvenor 
Street, on the left, going to the park, which your ad- 
mirable parents have promised her admirable parent to 
108 


THE GREEN CHARTREUSE 


109 


take for you on a lease, in order that you may both be 
near them. Shelmerdine, we don’t know when we have 
been so ashamed of an alumnus of ours. If you haven’t 
enough character, sir, to tackle the very ordinary job 
of driving a young woman on the curb — as every 
young woman ought to be driven for her soul’s welfare 
at the beginning — you are a miserable shirker, sir, 
and unworthy of your liberal nurture. 

Sir, in that event, we wash our hands of you; and 
you are free to form an alliance with this underbred 
Bohemian — it is not our custom to mince our language 
when our emotions are deeply stirred! You will bring 
down the gray hairs of your admirable parents in sor- 
row to the grave; your portrait will receive the freedom 
of the gutter press ; you will never be asked to shoot 
at High Cliff ; you will bring tragedy into your own 
life and into the life of others — in fact, sir, and in a 
word — one understood these infernal safety -razors 
were guaranteed not to cut gashes into one’s neck ! 

Little recked Cinderella of the reason why the heir 
to the barony had to appear at tea-time on Friday done 
up in court plaster. He was also strangely pensive and 
embarrassed. 

She was as gay and as charming as usual; and she 
had just been engaged to create the title role in Mr. 
Wingrove’s brilliant new play at the Millennium, that 


110 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


was to be produced in the middle of Lent. But poor 
Philip was far from being himself. Still, he insisted on 
walking home with her to Bedford Gardens. 

However, by the time they had reached the Strand, 
that romantic thoroughfare, the murder was pretty well 
out. It really came out at the moment they stood on 
the edge of the kerb opposite Charing Cross, waiting 
to commit their frail lives to the maelstrom of mechan- 
ically propelled vehicles. 

44 Fact is, old girl,” — the heir to the barony gripped 
Mary firmly by the arm to see that she didn’t step off 
the kerb too soon — 44 fact is, old girl, I want a pal. 
Will you be a pal to me? ” 

44 Why, of course I will, Philip,” said Mary, as they 
walked arm in arm into the jaws of a Barnes and Ham- 
mersmith ’bus. 

44 A pal for life, I mean, old girl.” 

By the time they had reached the opposite kerb, Mary 
was quivering. And the color in her face surmounted 
the natural pallor of her profession. 

44 Oh! — but, Philip—” 

44 You will y old girl ! ” 

44 1 don’t think that Granny — besides — ! ” 

44 Besides what, old girl?” The knitted chocolate 
waistcoat was being grievously assaulted. 

44 It wouldn’t do — for you, I mean — although it is 
sweet of you to have asked me, Philip.” 


THE GREEN CHARTREUSE 


111 


“ It’s whether it would do for you, old girl. I’m not 
much of a chap, I know, but I should begin to pick up 
a bit — I’m sure I should — if I had got a real pal like 
you to pull my socks up for me.” 

“ It isn’t because I don’t like you, Philip,” said 
Mary, so nicely that the owner of the knitted choco- 
late waistcoat wanted to clasp her to it in one of 
London’s most important thoroughfares. “ It is be- 
cause I do.” 

66 Won’t you risk it, anyway? ” 

u But I don’t think I ought — really. Your people, 
you know. And I’m sure that Granny — ” 

“ Oh, but this is our affair. I’ve thought it all out; 
and if a chap wants a wife, I don’t see that anybody 
has a right to meddle. It’s askin’ a lot, I know — 
your career and all that — but I’ve enough for two, 
and you wouldn’t have to sing and dance to three thou- 
sand people when you were feeling so cheap you didn’t 
know how.” 

Mary was troubled by this importunity as a girl as 
nice as she was bound to be. She had already grown to 
like this rather heavy young man. She felt capable of 
being a father, a mother, a brother and a sister to him, 
or any equally near relation whose function it would be 
to pull his socks up for him. But she was also a very 
sensible and unselfish girl, moreover, a pretty clear- 
sighted one ; and when she said that Granny would never, 


112 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


she really meant what she said, and a great deal more 
than she did say. 

All the same, she was very proud and happy as she 
turned up Bedford Street, with the hand of Philip still 
gripping her arm very tightly, although in this haven 
there was not a solitary Barnes and Hammersmith 
’bus to warrant a continuance of such a course of be- 
haviour. 

The heir to the barony, in our humble judgment, was 
about the luckiest young fellow in London just then to 
be walking up Bedford Street with a girl as good as 
gold in his possession. Very nearly, but not quite in 
his possession. He had come at his fence so boldly; it 
was an inspiration to have taken off just where he did 
in the welter of Barnes and Hammersmith omnibuses 
in front of Charing Cross; his solid, manly British 
qualities had shone out suddenly so clear and free, that 
where another might have hesitated and come a purler, 
this sportsman had gone straight at the obstacle and 
very nearly come home a winner. Very nearly cap- 
tured the queen of beauty, but not quite, although she 
was feeling very proud and happy because of the honor 
done to her — and it is an honor, O you young ladies 
of Newnham and Girton, the highest that can be paid to 
you, so please to remember, my dears, when you turn 
down your thumbs to the next undesirable — and she 
blushed so charmingly all the way up the street that 


THE GREEN CHARTREUSE T13 


it was a pity there were not more lamps in Long Acre 
by which you could have seen her. 

Their feet swayed together in a delightful rhythm, 
in their radiant progress: spats by Grant and Cock- 
bum, and Mr. Moykopf’s most superior hand-stitched 
russia leather, and eight and eleven penny Walk-easies 
made by the gross at Kettering, which had no spats 
upon ’em. Yes, it was a lovely walk in the dark amid 
the purlieus of Long Acre. Several times they lost 
their way, and didn’t try very hard to find it. And 
then, suddenly, from out the distant mirk, where the 
time-spirit was keeping its grim eye upon ’em, the hour 
was tolled from Saint Martin’s Church. 

One — two — three — four — five — six — seven 1 
— the excited heart of the Principal Girl counted each 
stroke. Cinderella must fly. She would only just have 
time to drink her Oxo, and to get into her rags — 
which were not rags at all really — and fix her war 
paint, if the great British public was not to receive one 
of the severest disappointments in its annals. 

“Well, think about it, old girl — although I don’t 
mean to take 6 No.’ I’ve made up my mind to that.” 

They were on Granny’s doorstep now. And there 
let us leave them without waiting to see what happened. 

Did something happen? 

There is no need to gratify idle curiosity upon the 
subject. 


114 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


The really important thing that did happen, before 
Cinderella slipped her latch-key in the door, was that 
Mr. Philip re-affirmed his manly determination not to 
take “ No ” for an answer. He vowed, moreover, that 
he would come and interview Grandmamma after she 
had had her siesta on the afternoon of the Sabbath Day. 


CHAPTER XII 


THE PROCONSULAR TOUCH 

It had been a crowded and glorious week for the 
Green Chartreuse, but it was not until the Sabbath Day 
that it had really to embrace the crisis of its fate. Mary 
had not said “ Yes,” and she had not said 64 No,” but 
she had seemed to imply that Grandmamma might prove 
obdurate. Then there was also that little obstacle in 
Grosvenor Square to negotiate. Yes, taking one fact 
with another, it was reasonably clear to the Twin Breth- 
ren that Sunday promised to be a rather important day 
in the calendar. 

The heir to the barony did not go to church on the 
morning of the fateful day, although, perhaps, it would 
have been wise to have done so. He read The Referee 
instead, in order to collect a few ideas as to his general 
bearing in the convention after lunch in the library at 
No. 88. 

The Governing Classes were decidedly EF. Not a 
day later than the third week in October, Warlock 
thought, otherwise it would play the dickens with his 
shooting. 


115 


116 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ Egypt would be such a nice place in which to spend 
the honeymoon,” said Mother. 

Little recked the Powers, however, of the Homeric 
struggle that was being waged within the precincts of 
the immaculate braided morning coat that sat so per- 
fectly upon the manly form of Mr. Philip. 

Do if you Dare, said the Twin Brethren. 

Don’t be a Cur, said the Green Chartreuse. 

And as no young man likes to be thought a Cur by a 
boon companion, the miserable yet half-exultant Philip 
gathered his forces for the conflict. 

“ There’s something, Father, I’d like to say,” said 
he, as he performed the superfluous action of tucking 
the end of his handkerchief still further up his shirt- 
sleeve. 

Perfect frankness was invited. 

“ I would like to say,” said the young man, “ that I 
don’t feel that I can marry Adela.” 

The timepiece with the silver tones had the only 
speaking part for the space of ninety seconds. And 
then out spoke Mother. 

“ Phil-ipp ! ” 

“ Can’t — possibly — Mater.” 

“ Phil-ipp ! ” 

And all this time the benevolent autocrat, who had put 
on his eyeglasses and taken them off again, and then 
put them on again, was trying to recapture the touch 


THE PROCONSULAR TOUCH 117 


of a great Proconsul who had started out in life with 
a Balliol scholarship. 

“ Of course, my dear boy, you must decide.” The 
Proconsular eyelids conveyed delicately to the Suffolk 
Colthurst that, after all, the Suaviter in Modo cannot be 
surpassed in the hands of an acknowledged master. 
“ But, as Warlock knows already, we shall be very happy 
to make Lady Adela welcome in the family.” 

“ Oh, yes, of course, but you see — ” 

Neither parent appeared to see, unfortunately. The 
poor Green Chartreuse grew desperate. 

66 So you see, Pve kind of proposed to another girl.” 

The Proconsul took off his eyeglasses and buttoned 
his coat; the Colthurst of Suffolk manipulated her third 
and fourth chins into a condition of majestically elo- 
quent inarticulation. The silver timepiece alone was 
moved to make an observation, and that, of course, was 
quite irrelevant. 

“ Her name is Mary Caspar, and she is an absolute 
nailer,” said the heir to the barony. 

“ An actress, I believe,” said Mother, who, like every 
member of her family, had an almost uncanny memory 
for names. 

“ An absolute nailer,” said Mr. Philip. 

Three weeks ago the young man had taken to Jaegar 
underclothing, but even that hardly seemed able to cope 
with the thermometer. 


118 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


u It isn’t exactly definite. She seems to think there 
are things against it, but I’m going to talk it over this 
afternoon with her old grandmother.” 

“ Who, pray, is her grandmother? ” 

“ Her name is Mrs. Cathcart, and she lives at 10 
Bedford Gardens.” 

“ I will call upon her,” said Mother, somewhat osten- 
tatiously, making a note of the address. 

“ Philip,” said the great Proconsul, “ you must listen 
to me. I am afraid this is all very irregular. A man 
of your age, my dear boy, ought to know that in these 
days they give swingeing damages for breach. This 
must go no further, you understand ; and the best thing 
we can hope for is, that the young woman’s grand- 
mother is as sensible as we have a right to expect an old 
woman and a grandmother to be.” 

“ But I am goin’ to marry Mary if she’ll have me, 
father,” said Mr. Philip, all politeness and simplicity. 

Fortiter in Re, as classical scholars do not require to 
be told, is the natural corollary of Suaviter in Modo. 
Spasmodic trumpetings were emitted freely by the 
great Proconsul. The Colthurst of Suffolk also had 
recourse to the clarion note. It was really a scene of 
great majesty and power, and it lasted until hard upon 
tea-time. The behavior of the heir was subversive of 
all there was left to subvert in the Cosmos, since the 
wicked Welsh Chancellor’s deadly missiles had knocked 


THE PROCONSULAR TOUCH 119 


Mars and Jupiter and several other leading planets clean 
out of their orbits. 

What would People say? said Mother. 

Swingeing damages these days and rightly, re-af- 
firmed the great Proconsul. 

“ She wasn’t that sort of girl at all,” said Philip the 
manful. He had had to make all the running. Father 
and Mother mustn’t misjudge her. And they must for- 
give him if he seemed to have lost his head a bit, but it 
was all for the best, he was sure. Never been able to 
hit it off with Adela ; hadn’t any tastes in common. It 
would be better so. 

“ Don’t be absurd, Philip,” said Mother, upon G 
sharp. 

Was it conceivable that the eldest son was without 
a sense of moral responsibility? blandly inquired the ex- 
Resident of Barataria North-West. 

66 I hope the grandmother of the person is a woman 
of the world,” said Mother. “ I will call upon her with- 
out delay.” 

And then the heir to the barony spoke like a very 
nice young chap. He sincerely hoped his excellent par- 
ents would not blame him more than they felt obliged. 
He had thought it all out in the watches of the night; 
it would be all for the best, she was such an absolute 
dear. He would be awfully pleased to trot her round 
for inspection; and was there really any reason why a 


120 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


man rising thirty, with a private income, should not 
marry the nicest girl in London? 

“ But, then,” said Mother, “ dearest Adela is a girl 
in a thousand.” 

“ And please don’t forget,” said Father the Procon- 
sul, “ you are my successor.” 

If only he could Abdicate! murmured the wretched 
.Green Chartreuse. 

Neither Father nor Mother heard it, fortunately. 

And then in tones of solemn music, the silver-tongued 
timepiece chimed the hour of half-past four. 

“ By Jove,” said the heir to the barony, with a sigh 
of relief. “How awfully late!” And rising to his 
full height from Messrs. Maple’s choice upholstery, he 
dispensed a cloud of sweet and gentle and perfectly 
sincere apology. 

He did not desire to bring a moment of pain to his 
excellent parents. He was sure it would be all for the 
best if only he could persuade her to have him — he 
had not persuaded her yet, worse luck! But, in spite 
of this charming urbanity, Mother took no leave of 
him; and Father had “ a damned disinheriting counte- 
nance,” as he escaped through the door of the library. 

A pretty mess you have made of things, you fool, 
snarled the Twin Brethren, as Joseph showed him over 
the door-mat and whistled up a taxi. 


CHAPTER XIII 


JANE’S AFTERNOON OUT 

The Green Chartreuse was able to break its journey 
at Romano’s, as it passed that home of wassail en route 
to Bedford Gardens. And having done so, it was able to 
answer back a bit, but only in a very minor key just 
now, my lords and gentlemen. 

The dear girl herself opened the door to Mr. Philip ; 
it was Jane’s afternoon out. Wasn’t Mary very tired 
after the two performances yesterday? Not a bit. 
But wasn’t he a bit below the weather? No? She 
thought he looked so, rather. Merely because he had 
been lunching with his people, was it? Very wrong to 
make a j oke of such a filial action, particularly as Gros- 
venor Square on a Sunday is thought to be the home of 
the serious. 

Granny was sitting very upright in the cozy comer, 
and looking very stately in her smartest cap with lace 
on it, that had been worn by Siddons. An approxima- 
tion of the grand manner when she shook hands. The 
weather was not cold, perhaps, for the season of the 
year; but when one was turned four-and-eighty, one’s 
vitality was perhaps a little less than formerly. 

121 


m 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Miss Mary brought in the tea, looking frightfully 
demure. 

Grandmamma herself had a preference for Chayney 
tea. She hoped Mr. Shelmerdine did not object to 
Chayney tea; if he did, there was whisky and soda 
which some gentlemen preferred. John Peter Kendall 
always preferred it; likewise John his father; and she 
had heard that this preference was shared by Edward 
Bean, who was her godpapa — and the silver mug he 
gave her at her christening was upon the chiffonnier. 

Had Mr. Shelmerdine heard that the Lane was going 
to double Mary’s salary, and desired her to sign a con- 
tract for a term of five years? 

“ Two hundred a week, Mr. Shelmerdine. A fabu- 
lous sum. Why, I don’t think that Garrick — ” 

6C Not a penny more than she deserves, ma’am,” 
averred the heir to the barony. 

“ Mr. Shelmerdine, it is enough to make Edward 
Bean turn in his grave. A preposterous sum for a 
girl of very ordinary ability, without any true his- 
trionic genius. Why, I don’t think that Siddons in the 
heyday of her power — ” 

“ Why, of course she didn’t, you jealous old Granny. 
And if I were a woman of genius like you are, and she 
was, I shouldn’t be getting it either and signing con- 
tracts. Don’t you agree, Philip ? ” 

And Miss Mary fixed the young man with her glorious 


JANE’S AFTERNOON OUT 


123 


gray eye, and said to him quite distinctly by the Marconi 
system: “ Say Yes, in your heartiest voice, like a dear 
boy.” 

So of course, the young fellow had to say Yes, when 
he meant No. 

It is unkind to make comparisons, but tea and cake 
in Bedford Gardens, thought Mr. Philip, is a far more 
interesting function than a four-course luncheon farther 
west. And yet the young man had by no means a great 
appetite just now. It was the crisis of his fate. Had 
Mary told Grandmamma? And what would Grand- 
mamma say, if told she had been? For men and gods 
these were all-important questions. 

Certainly, the old thing in the real lace that had been 
worn by Siddons was very grande dame indeed. Dic- 
tion clear cut, lively and forcible; not a single English 
actor worthy of the name in the present generation, 
and she hadn’t seen the foreign ones; in fact, the race 
had perished with Mr. Macready, who had taken her to 
Gadshill to drink tea with Mr. Dickens. 

“ But, what about Sir Henry Irving, Granny ? ” said 
Mary, covertly twitching her charming left eyelid at 
the heir. 

“ Pretty well, for an amateur, my dear, but better 
fitted to play the hind-leg of a dragon than the Prince 
of Denmark.” 

“ Oh, how terribly severe ! ” said Mary, so demurely 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


124 

that the Morning Coat had an overpowering desire to 
clasp her to its braided bosom. 

44 Good at melodrama no doubt, my dear,” said Grand- 
mamma, 44 in the Surrey theaters ; but to my mind wholly 
unfitted to carry on the great tradition of Edward Bean 
and John Kendall.” 

It is by no means clear that the Braided Morning 
Coat was able to enjoy Grandmamma’s caustic criti- 
cism of the present hopelessly inferior histrionic age as 
much as it might have done, because there was that 
sinking sensation somewhere about the third button 
which somehow seemed to suggest that it was going 
to be its turn presently. And although a very ordinary 
sort of coat, which put forth no special claim to be en- 
dowed with the gift of prophecy, in this it was not a 
great way off the mark. 

When at last its turn came, it seemed to arrive 
rather suddenly. It was when the Chayney tea and the 
cake and bread-and-butter, having ceased to have at- 
tractions, were removed by Mary, still acting as deputy 
to Jane the parlor-maid. 

44 Mr. Shelmerdine,” said the Lady Macbeth to John 
Peter Kendall, 44 I am given to understand that you 
have been kind enough to make my granddaughter a pro- 
posal of marriage? ” 

44 1 hope you don’t mind, ma’am,” murmured the 
Braided Morning Coat, whose diction, however, although 


JANE’S AFTERNOON OUT 


125 


that of Eton and Ch: Ch:, was for the time being, at 
any rate, nothing like so distinguished as that of Grand- 
mamma. 

44 I may say at once, Mr. Shelmerdine,” said the Lady 
Macbeth to John Peter Kendall, 44 that I am sensible 
of the honor that has been paid to my granddaughter. 
Further, I may say that she also is sensible of the honor 
that has been paid her, as every right-minded girl 
should be, even when, as in this case, she is unfortunately 
unable to avail herself of it.” 

That unhappy sense of inadequacy was coming upon 
Mr. Philip which afflicted him on the occasions he called 
at the Foreign Office to look up the friends of his 
youth. 

44 Mr. Shelmerdine, you are a personable and mannerly 
young man — I am old enough to speak with freedom, 
and even if I were not I have always been accustomed 
to use it. You have considerable private means, my 
granddaughter informs me, and I think it is proba- 
ble that you will make an excellent husband for a young 
woman in your own sphere of life; but, to be quite 
frank with you, Mr. Shelmerdine, I do not feel that I 
can give my consent to the match.” 

The Braided Morning Coat was cast down not a 
little. 

Still, Grandmamma knew how to temper firmness of 
character with kindness and consideration; and that, 


126 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


of course, the world has a right to look for in ma- 
jestic old ladies who have played Lady Macbeth to John 
Peter Kendall. 

66 My granddaughter, Mr. Shelmerdine, comes of a 
very old theatrical stock. One of her forebears — an 
ancestor of my own — played in Shakespeare’s own 
company. Without impropriety, I think I am entitled 
to say that her standing in her profession is likely to 
be one of eminence.” 

Braided Morning Coat hardly needed that assurance. 

“ In the circumstances, Mr. Shelmerdine, perhaps I 
am entitled to ask what your own profession is, and the 
nature of your standing in it? ” 

This question was a little too complex for the Braided 
Morning Coat to be able to answer offhand. Still, 
the admirable garment struggled manfully, and did its 
level best. 

Four years in the Guards, but at a loose end at pres- 
ent. Had thought of going into Parliament. Lady 
Macbeth allowed that the ablest young men in the 
country made rather a point of finding their way into 
Parliament, and long might it be so; but unfortu- 
nately, this particular able young man was not in Par- 
liament yet. 

“ If it will help things, ma’am,” said the Braided 
Morning Coat, “ I will see about it at once.” 

It was spoken like a man of spirit and an English 


JANE’S AFTERNOON OUT 


127 


gentleman, which after all is just what you expect of 
a Braided Morning Coat and Spats by Grant and Cock- 
bum; but Grandmamma, confessing to reluctance, was 
bound to say that, although this spirited conduct might 
help things a little, she was afraid it would not help them 
sufficiently. 

Braided Morning Coat was awfully sorry. So was 
Grandmamma, sincerely sorry. Such a mannerly and 
personable young man ; same school as John Peter Ken- 
dall, though not the same college. But it appeared 
to her, speaking with all reserve, and an ample sense 
of responsibility, that Mr. Shelmerdine’s status in his 
profession — whatever his profession might be, and she 
was not so clear on that point as she would like to be 
— was due to the fact that he was the eldest son of his 
father. 

Braided Morning Coat confessed frankly that it 
might be so, although he was not without pecuniary re- 
sources of his own. There was also a small property 
in Cheshire which had come to him recently through 
his Aunt Tabitha, and was let on a five years’ lease to 
one of the founders of the Zionist movement. 

“ I learn from my granddaughter, Mr. Shelmerdine, 
that your father is a Peer.” 

Braided Morning Coat humbly made that damaging 
admission. 

“ And that you succeed to the title? ” 


128 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Braided Morning Coat, beginning to feel very low 
and miserable, pleaded guilty to this also. 

“ All this, to my mind, Mr. Shelmerdine, constitutes 
an insuperable barrier.” Diction beautifully clear and 
mellow. How can it be otherwise with the Bean and 
Kendall tradition ! 

“ Let me make myself quite understood, Mr. Shelmer- 
dine. It hardly seems right, to my mind, that an old 
theatrical family should form an alliance with a com- 
paratively recent peerage. I believe, Mr. Shelmerdine, 
6 comparatively recent 5 is not in excess of the facts. 
Jane, my parlor maid, has looked it up in Debrett , as 
my eyesight is not of the best. Created 1904, I be- 
lieve, to the best of my recollection, during Mr. Van- 
deleur’s second administration.” 

The answer w r as in the affirmative. 

66 Your father is a man of great distinction, I under- 
stand, a Proconsul who has rendered invaluable service 
to the Empire. All that I have heard about him re- 
dounds to his honor, but I cannot think he would give 
his sanction to this proposed alliance. I may say that 
I should not, if I were he.” 

Braided Morning Coat was rather distressed. 

“ The fact is, Mr. Shelmerdine, I am strongly op- 
posed to this modern craze for contracting matrimonial 
alliances between the theatrical profession and the peer- 
age. To my mind, they are two entirely alien institu- 


JANE’S AFTERNOON OUT 


129 


tions. They both have their personal traditions and their 
private status, of which they have a right to be jealous ; 
but it seems to me, and I am sure I voice the opinion 
of John Peter Kendall, were he not in his grave, that 
this unfortunate custom, which has lately come into 
vogue, lowers the dignity of both those institutions, is 
demoralizing in itself, and tends to diminish the respect 
in which either is held by the Public.” 

Braided Morning Coat felt that “ Hear, hear ! ” 
would have been appropriate to this beautifully de- 
livered oration. But it had not the spirit now to say 
“ Hear, hear ” to anything. Its fond but presumptu- 
ous hopes lay shattered in a thousand pieces. 

“ The Public expects certain things of you, Mr. Shel- 
merdine, as the future head of a distinguished family. 
As a woman of extended public experience, I would like 
to give you this piece of advice, which was given to 
me by Mr. Macready: Never disappoint the Public, 
and the Public will never disappoint you. You have 
your duties to fulfil — to yourself, to your family, and 
to your country. I do not say that my granddaughter 
would be incapable of helping you to fulfil them, be- 
cause a member of an old theatrical family, in my judg- 
ment, Mr. Shelmerdine, is unworthy of the great tradi- 
tions in which she has been bred if she cannot adorn 
any position to which it may please Providence to call 
her. But, at the same time, I recognize that public 


130 


THE PRINCIPAL’ GIRL 


opinion looks to you to form an alliance elsewhere. I 
am sure it will be a great disappointment to the world, 
and a great grief to your excellent parents, whom I 
have not the pleasure of knowing, but who, I am sure, 
must be very worthy as well as very distinguished peo- 
ple, if you should persist in this desire to form an alli- 
ance with my granddaughter.” 

Braided Morning Coat, for all the compliments paid 
to it, which it had every reason to think sincere, began 
to feel as chastened as if it had been knocked down and 
run over by a Barnes and Hammersmith omnibus. Long 
before Grandmamma had said her say, the unlucky gar- 
ment hadn’t a kick left in it. 

Where was Mary? Somehow it did not seem to be 
playing quite fair to leave him all this time to the 
tender mercies of Grandmamma. Full of mischief like 
the rest of ’em, thought the Braided Morning Coat. 
She knows all the time we are gettin’ it terrific; but 
instead of standin’ by us like a man and a brother, she 
retires to the basement to help Cook peel the potatoes 
for supper. 

“ I hope, ma’am,” said the miserable varlet, “ your de- 
cision is not a final one.” 

“I am afraid, Mr. Shelmerdine, that I can find no 
reason at present to think otherwise.” 

“ Well, ma’am, it’s hardly my fault that I may have 
to succeed my father.” 


JANE’S AFTERNOON OUT 


131 


“ Mr. Shelmerdine, I quite accept that statement.” 

In the neck again, you silly blighter, snarled the 
Twin Brethren. 

66 I’d abdicate if I could, but I can’t, ma’am, ac- 
cordin’ to the rules of the Constitution. My Governor 
says — ” 

“ Mr. Shelmerdine, I fully appreciate the insur- 
mountable nature of the barrier.” 

“ 1 shall have enough to keep a wife, ma’am, but if 
you feel that I ought to go into Parliament, I shall be 
only too pleased to see about it at once.” 

Lady Macbeth appreciated the honorable nature of 
the proposal, which intensified her great regret. But 
even a seat in Parliament could not gloss over the fact 
that he was the son of his father. 

Suddenly, the front door bell pealed loudly down in 
the basement and reverberated throughout the house. 
A casual caller — perhaps Grandmamma’s old friend, 
Sir Swire, who called to see her most Sundays when he 
was in London. 

The Braided Morning Coat winged a pious apostro- 
phe to its private, particular gods. 

Alas ! the luckless garment was a trifle premature in 
its hymn of thanksgiving. 


CHAPTER XIV 


IN WHICH MARY QUALIFIES FOR THE ROLE 
OF THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAMILY 

Now who do you suppose it was, my lords and gen- 
tlemen, who pulled that blessed bell-wire? No, not the 
ex-lessee of the Cornmarket Theater. Miss Mary, help- 
ing Cook to peel the potatoes down in the basement, 
made herself acquainted with that fact when she pulled 
aside the window curtains and looked up through the 
area. Cockades and things were before the door of No. 
10 Bedford Gardens; a raking pair of chestnuts; and 
a smart rubber-tired vehicle with armorial bearings. 

The Bad Girl of the Family, peering through the 
kitchen curtains, with a half-peeled potato in one hand, 
and a bone-hafted knife in the other, saw Jeames de 
la Pluche, Esquire, who in that charming but absurd 
fur cape reminded her not a little of Harry Merino 
as the Cat in the moral drama of Dick Whittington, 
leap down from his perch with marked agility, whisk 
open the door, and lend assistance to something very 
uncommon in the way of distinction. 

Uncommon Distinction was blonde and bland of coun- 

132 


THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAMILY 133 


tenance and very grande dame, as you could tell by her 
Carriage. Looked through her folders, and saw Num- 
ber 10 over the fanlight; and as this she did, one of 
those terrible flashes of feminine intuition overtook 
Mary, that this must surely be Mother. 

Yes, Mother undoubtedly. Had not Philip himself 
the same bland, blonde frontispiece; the same ample look 
of nourishment; the same air of deliberation as of one 
a little slow in the uptake; the same faint far-off sug- 
gestion of a finely grown vegetable? And to the quick 
eye of the feminine observer through the kitchen cur- 
tains, there were certain things pertaining to Mother 
which, up to the present, Son had not developed. 

The clang of the front door bell reverberated through 
the basement. 

“ Drat it, Miss Mary,” said Cook. “ And me not 
dressed yet. Would you mind letting in Sir Swire?” 

“ Why, of course,” said Miss Mary. 

“ But hadn’t you better leave your knife and your 
pertater, Miss Mary ? ” 

“ Oh, Sir Swire won’t mind those, Hannah ; they’ll 
amuse him,” said the Bad Girl of the Family, who was 
half-way up the kitchen stairs already. 

Mother upon the doorstep, in her new ermine tippet, 
was shocked not a little, deep down in the recesses of 
her nature. Still of course she was far too well found in 
the ways of the world to give her feelings publication. 


134 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


But if one is so ill-advised as to visit in Bohemian cir- 
cles in the afternoon of the Sabbath Day, one must be 
prepared for all contingencies. Still, a half-pared po- 
tato, a sack-cloth apron, and a bone-hafted kitchen 
knife is a rather informal reception of a real peeress 
from Grosvenor Square on the part of Bedford Gar- 
dens. 

“ Mrs. Cathcart at home? ” said Grosvenor Square, 
No. 88, the corner house, very bland and splendid. 

“ Oh, yes — won't you come in? ” said the Bad Girl 
winningly. 

Impressive entrance of Governing Classes into an 
ill-lit but fairly spacious interior, which had a bust of 
Edward Bean over the hatstand, and John Peter Ken- 
dall as Richard II by — not after: — Maclise over the 
dining-room door. 

“ Lady Shelmerdine,” said the bland and splendid 
one, as Mary pushed the front door to with her foot 
because her hands were occupied. 

“ Of Potterhanworth? ” said the Bad Girl in tones 
warm and velvety. 

“ Oh, yes,” said the Governing Classes, pained, per- 
haps, a little. 

“ Philip’s mother — so delighted — hope you don’t 
object to potatoes — it’s Jane’s afternoon out.” 

But no further communication was forthcoming from 
the Governing Classes all the way up the solid length 


THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAMILY 135 


of stair-carpet to Grandmamma’s withdrawing-room. 

Mary preceded No. 88 Grosvenor Square, potato, 
bone-hafted knife, sacking-cloth apron and all, into the 
stately presence of the cap-with-lace-which-had-been- 
worn-by-Siddons. 

44 Lady Shelmerdine of Potterhanworth, Granny.” 

The Bad Girl turned and fled; very nearly impaled 
herself on the bone-hafted knife by counting fourteen 
stairs instead of thirteen, and continuing her course 
headlong until she fell howling into the arms of Cook. 
But in Edward Bean’s goddaughter’s withdrawing- 
room it was no laughing matter, my lords and gentlemen, 
we feel bound to tell you that. And we are forced 
to agree, though very reluctantly, with what Grand- 
mamma said privately to the Bad Girl afterwards, which 
was that she would be none the worse for a good whip- 
ping. 

44 Mrs. Cathcart, I presume? ” said No. 88 Grosvenor 
Square, very bland and splendid, although the tones 
had no need to be so icy — they hadn’t, really. 

44 You have the advantage of me,” said the Lady 
Macbeth to John Peter Kendall, offering her venerable 
hand to the angle of 1851, the Exhibition Year. 44 Ah, 
yes, Lady Shelmerdine — delighted to make your ac- 
quaintance.” 

What of the Braided Morning Coat, you ask, while 
all this was toward? Perspiring freely in every pore 


136 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


and leaning up against the chimney-piece, and looking 
rather gray about the gills. 

Should it make a bolt, or should it stay and grapple 
with the music? The pusillanimity of the former 
course, tempting no doubt to a weak resolution, would 
involve death and damnation; but the heroism of the 
latter required all that could be mustered by the playing 
fields of Eton and Christ Church. But while the un- 
happy inhabitant of the Braided Morning Coat was sur- 
rendered to this problem, the stern, uncompromising eye 
of Mother decided the question. 

“ Phil-ipp ! ” 

“ Ma-ter ! ” And then, of course, the Twin Breth- 
ren called out the reserves. “ Mrs. Cathcart — My 
Mother.” 

The bow of Grosvenor Square, No. 88, the comer 
house, was aloof decidedly; the bow of the Lady Mac- 
beth to John Peter Kendall was so full of conscious 
power and accumulated dignity that it was really quite 
gracious. 

“ Pray be seated, Lady Shelmerdine.” 

Beautiful elocution on the part of the goddaughter 
of Edward Bean. 

Lady Shelmerdine seated herself rather superbly, and 
opened fire with her tortoise-shell folders. 

The cap - with - lace - that - had - been - worn - by - Siddons 
touched the electric button at its elbow. 


THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAMILY 137 


Entrance of the Bad Girl of the Family, without her 
apron this time, and divested also of the potato and the 
bone-hafted knife. 

“ Mary, child, my spectacles.” 

The Bad Girl dived desperately in the inmost recesses 
of the chiffonnier ; found Grandmamma’s spectacles, and 
prepared to withdraw in something of a hurry. But 
she was detained. 

“Has Jane returned, child?” 

“ Yes, Granny.” 

“ Ask her to have the goodness to bring some tea for 
Lady Shelmerdine.” 

“ Oh, not for me, thank you.” 

“ You are quite sure? ” 

No. 88 Grosvenor Square, the corner house, was quite, 
quite sure. Exit the Bad Girl of the Family without 
daring to look once in the direction of the Braided Morn- 
ing Coat that was still leaning up forlornly against the 
chimney-piece. 

“ Mrs. Cathcart,” said the Governing Classes, getting 
the first gun in action, “ I have done myself the honor 
of calling upon you — ” 

“ The honor, madam, is entirely mine,” Edward 
Bean’s goddaughter assured her. 

“ — because of a most unfortunate state of affairs 
which has just been brought to my notice.” 

The goddaughter of Edward Bean looked sympa- 


138 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


thetic, although it doesn’t always do to judge by ap- 
pearances, you know. 

44 My unfortunate son — Phil-ipp, perhaps you will 
be good enough to sit down, as it is most desirable that 
you should follow what I say with the closest attention 
— my unfortunate son, to the grief of his father, Lord 
Shelmerdine, has made a proposal of marriage to your 
niece.” 

Lady Macbeth suggested mildly that granddaughter 
might be more in accordance with the facts of the case. 

44 Granddaughter — I beg your pardon. One has 
no need to tell you , Mrs. Cathcart, who, I am sure, are 
a woman of the world, that this act of my son’s has 
caused concern in his family.” 

Lady Macbeth was sorry if that was the case. 

44 In point of fact, for some little time past my son 
has been engaged to Lady Adela Rocklaw.” 

44 Not quite that, you know, Mater,” murmured the 
unhappy Braided Morning Coat. 

44 — To Lady Adela Rocklaw, a daughter of Lord 
Warlock, and his conduct will cause pain, although, of 
course, madam, it has not yet become public property, 
and I sincerely hope it may not become so.” 

44 You ain’t puttin’ it quite fair, are you, Mater?” 
ventured the Braided Morning Coat. 

44 Phil-ipp, please ! ” A wave of a she-pro-consular 


THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAMILY 189 


band. “ Allow me to deal with the facts. A most em- 
barrassing situation, madam, for two families.” 

“ One moment, Lady Shelmerdine,” said Lady Mac- 
beth. u May I ask this question? Do I understand 
your son to be actually engaged to Lady Adela Rock- 
law? ” 

“ Yes, madam, you may take that to be so.” 

“ Mr. Shelmerdine,” said the Queen of Tragedy, “ I 
must ask you for an explana-tion.” 

Braided Morning Coat, notwithstanding that it was 
feeling completely undone, unbuttoned itself nervously. 

“ The Mater’s a bit mixed, ma’am, and that’s the 
truth. I am not engaged to Lady Adela.” 

“ Perhaps, Phil-ipp, not officially.” 

“ No, Mater, and not unofficially, and — ” Hercu- 
lean effort by the Green Chartreuse — “ I don’t mind 
sayin’, I’ve no intention — ” 

“ Phil-ipp ! ” 

“ Lady Shelmerdine,” said the Queen of Tragedy, 
“ the situation is not altogether clear to my mind. 
Either your son is engaged to marry Lady Adela Rock- 
law, or he is not.” 

“ He is morally engaged to her.” 

“ I am sorry I am unable to appreciate the distinc- 
tion. Do I understand that your son is engaged to 
Lady Adela? ” 


140 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


u No, ma’am, I’m not,” said the Braided Morning 
Coat with honorable boldness. 

“ But Phil-ipp ! ” 

“ It’s the truth, Mater. Mrs. Cathcart asks a plain 
question, and there’s a plain answer. And after all, 
I’m the chap — ” 

“ Quite so, Mr. Shelmerdine,” said Lady Macbeth, 
looking almost as wise as the Lord Chief Justice of 
England as he sits in the Court of Appeal. “ This is 
your affair. You have a right to know your own mind 
— moreover, you have a right to express it.” 

The Braided Morning Coat felt the stronger for this 
well-timed assistance. It was easy to see from which 
side of the family Miss Mary had inherited her strong, 
good sense. A masterful old thing, but she really was 
helpin’ a lame dog over a stile, wasn’t she? 

Blonder and blander grew the Colthurst of Suffolk. 
It really looked as though it might be a pretty set-to. 

“ Perhaps Phil-ipp, if you looked into your club for 
an hour — ” 

The Green Chartreuse, the horrid coward, wanted to 
quit the stricken field prematurely, But if he had, as 
sure as Fate, Mother would have won quite easily. Hap- 
ily he did not. Mr. Philip stuck to his guns like a 
Briton, and Grandmamma at least thought none the 
worse of him for it. The Lady Macbeth to John Peter 
Kendall had an opinion of her own on nearly every 


THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAMILY 141 


subject; and the order of which the Braided Morning 
Coat would one day be an ornament had in her judg- 
ment to carry a rather serious penalty ; but the old thing 
in her shrewd old heart — an imperious old thing, too — 
who had kept pretty good company for eighty-four 
years or so, was not altogether inclined to accept all 
the world and his wife at their surface valuation. 

44 The Family, madam,” said the Colthurst of Suf- 
folk, 44 is unable to countenance an alliance between 
my unfortunate son and your granddaughter, who, one 
is given to understand, is at present engaged in a pan- 
tomime. I am, however, empowered by Lord Shelmer- 
dine to offer reparation if such is required.” 

These were not the actual words used by Mother. 
Her style was easier, a little less florid, a trifle more 
conversational; but manner is said to be more eloquent 
than matter in the higher diplomacy ; thus the foregoing 
represents more or less accurately the ultimatum of the 
Governing Classes. 

Grandmamma didn’t look pleased; at least not very. 
The Florid Person was evidently taking herself rather 
seriously. Let her Beware — that was all — quoth Con- 
scious Strength, amid the inner convolutions of the cap- 
of-real-lace-that-had-been-worn-by-Siddons. 

44 It appears to me, Lady Shelmerdine,” said the god- 
daughter of Edward Bean, 44 that this is perhaps a 
matter for your son and my granddaughter, and that 


142 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


no practical purpose will be served by third and fourth 
parties discussing it — except, perhaps, in a spirit 
purely academic.” 

In a spirit purely academic! Well done, Peggy, 
whispered the delighted shade of John Peter Kendall, 
hovering somewhere in a cornice of the ceiling, immedi- 
ately above the bust of himself. 

“ Mrs. Cathcart, as a woman of the world, and as 
one who is in a position to appreciate the feelings of 
a mother, I am sure I shall not appeal to you in 
vain.” 

When in doubt, saith the Diplomatist’s Handbook, 
Suaviter in Modo is a card you should always play. 
But how often has Grandmamma seen it, in the course of 
her eighty-four summers, do you suppose? 

It was here that the Braided Morning Coat felt it was 
up to it to say something, and forthwith proceeded to 
do so. 

“ I agree with you, ma’am,” said he. 66 It’s just a 
matter for Mary and me. She won’t say Yes, and I 
won’t take No, and there we are at present. But I’m 
goin’ to ask her again, because I love her and all that, 
and I know I’m not worthy of her — but I’m goin’ to 
try to be, and I’m goin’ to see about Parliament at 
once.” 

The silence was ominous. 

“ That appears to be a perfectly manly and straight- 


THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAMILY 143 


forward course to take, Mr. Shelmerdine,” said Grand- 
mamma, breaking the silence rather grimly. 

Please observe that she didn’t tell Mother that she 
declined to sanction the match. In the circumstances, 
therefore, it is hardly kind to blame Mother for making 
quite a number of errors. 

Of course error the first was to come when Mr. Philip 
was present in propria persona. But that, we are 
afraid, was due to the aboriginal defect of a parent in 
underrating the importance of its offspring. What she 
ought to have done really, was to have come not as an 
important unit of the Governing Classes, but to have 
crept in by stealth, as it were, as the poor human mother 
humbly craving assistance; and she ought to have kept 
her foot on the soft pedal throughout the whole of the 
concerto. 

Alas ! the manner of Mother’s coming had been other- 
wise. And the longer she remained, the less she ought 
to have said in order to realize the estimate she had 
formed of her own wisdom — and when the spouse of 
a great Proconsul is thinking imperially you can have 
no idea how great that estimate is. 

“ Lord Shelmerdine empowers me to offer all reason- 
able reparation.” 

Grandmamma was interested to hear that in spite of 
the fact that the whole matter was so purely academic. 

“ If there is any special form the young lady — I 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


144 

haven’t the pleasure of the name of your niece, madam 
— would desire the reparation to assume, Lord Shel- 
merdine’s solicitor will be happy to call upon her to- 
morrow.” 

44 Oh, but Mater — I say — ” 

Slight display of Fortiter in order to cope with this 
unfilial interruption. 

44 It is your father’s wish, Philip.” 

The ears of Grandmamma had seemed to cock a little 
at the mention of Lord Shelmerdine’s solicitor. 

44 Forgive me, madam, if I appear dense,” said the 
most perfect elocution. 

Underplay a bit, Peggy my dear, like Fanny does in 
genuine light comedy, said the Distinguished Shade, 
smiling benevolently down from the cornice. 

But this was the goddaughter of Bean, which per- 
haps the Shade had forgotten. 

44 You are talkin’ rot, aren’t you, Mater? ” said the 
Braided Morning Coat in vibrant tones. 

44 It is your father’s wish, Phil-ipp. He desires that 
no injustice — If thought desirable, reparation may 
assume a pecuniary — ” 

44 You are talkin’ rot though, Mater, ain’t you? ” 

Incredible hardihood certainly on the part of the 
Braided Morning Coat. But eminently honorable to 
that chequered garment, perhaps the world is entitled 
to think. 


THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAMILY 145 


Lady Macbeth was not looking so very amenable just 
now. A very masterful old thing in her way, and had 
always been so. And really, Mother was a little crude 
in places, wasn’t she? 

Still, we are bound to do Mother the justice that she 
w r as not aware of the fact. Indeed to her it seemed that 
the higher diplomacy was really doing very well indeed. 
Everything so pleasant, so agreeable; iron hand in vel- 
vet glove, but used so lightly that Bohemian Circles 
were hardly conscious of its presence. Mother was get- 
ting on famous in her own opinion, and she ought to 
have known. 

Matrimony quite out of the question, of course, be- 
tween the granddaughter of Lady Macbeth and eldest 
son of the House. The Governing Classes hoped that 
that had been made quite clear to the wife of the Thane 
of Cawdor. 

The Wife of the Thane appeared to think it had been. 

“ Of a pecuniary character, I think you said? ” said 
the goddaughter of Edward Bean. 

“Yes, pecuniary; Lord Shelmerdine has no reason 
to think that Phil-ipp has been so unwise as to enter into 
a formal engagement, but it is his desire to be quite fair, 
even to be generous.” 

Steady, Cavalry! whispered the Distinguished Shade 
in the ear of Peggy. 

“ Or even generous, madam ! One would be happy to 


146 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


have an idea of the shape Lord Shelmerdine’s generosity 
might assume.” 

The unhappy Braided Morning Coat regretted ex- 
ceedingly that it could not disclaim responsibility for 
both parents. 

“ But, Mater — ! ” 

“ No, do not interrupt, dear Phil-ipp. This is all 
so important and so delicate. Lord Shelmerdine thinks 
five hundred pounds — and I am empowered — ” 

And then it was that Mother found Trouble. 

Trouble came to Mother quite unexpected, like a bolt 
from the blue — or like a shot out of a cannon, accord- 
ing to the subsequent version of an eye-witness. 

It would hardly be kind to describe the scene in de- 
tail. Lady Macbeth, in spite of her eighty-four sum- 
mers, made rather short work of Mother. Not that 
Mother was overborne by Christian meekness altogether. 
Assured Social Position, knowing itself to be abso- 
lutely right, and acting all for the best, does not always 
offer the other cheek with perfect facility. 

Please do not misunderstand us. It was hardly a 
scene. The proprieties were observed with really Vic- 
torian rigidity; it was all very grande dame; but one 
being Lady Macbeth to John Peter Kendall, and the 
other a leading Constitutional hostess who had recently 
moved to Grosvenor Square, well — 

Far from Mother’s intention to offer an affront to 


THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAMILY 147 


the granddaughter of Lady Macbeth. But Miss Foot- 
light of the Frivolity had quite recently received the 
sum of ten thousand pounds from the people of young 
Lord Footle, which sum was of course excessive, as dear 
Justice Brusher had said to Mother at dinner last even- 
ing. 

“ Madam, I hold no opinion of Justice Brusher ; Miss 
Footlight I don’t know, and Lord Footle I don’t desire 
to know; but it is impossible for my granddaughter, a 
member of an old theatrical family, to pocket this in- 
sult.” 

And Grandmamma rang the bell with tremendous 
dignity. 

Jane the parlor-maid it was who appeared this time, 
looking all the prettier for her afternoon out. 

“ Jane,” said the acknowledged Queen of Tragedy, 
“ pray conduct Lady Shelmerdine to her carriage — 
and in future I do not receive her.” 

Poor old Mother! And in her new ermine tippet, 
too. 

“ Phil-ipp, accompany me.” 

Philip accompanied Mother down the stairs, past the 
bust of Bean in the front hall, down the nine steps of 
Number Ten Bedford Gardens, and handed her into her 
carriage. 

“ We dine at eight this evening, Philip. Your father 
will expect you.” 


148 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ Impossible, Mater. Dinin’ at the Old Player*’ 
Club.” 

To give the Governing Classes their due, they cer- 
tainly made exit in pretty good style from Bohemia. 
As for Mr. Philip, he returned to the front hall to re- 
trieve his hat and his coat with the astrachan collar and 
other belongings, and wondered if it would be wise to 
say good-by to Grandmamma, and decided that per- 
haps he had better not risk it. But before he could get 
into his famous garment, the Bad Girl of the Family 
descended upon him from the basement — we are not 
quite sure how she managed to do it, but simple little 
feats in elementary acrobatics are always possible to 
a pantomime performer — and haled the young man 
by main force into what she called her Private Piggery, 
which in reality was a small back parlor of sorts in an 
indescribable state of confusion. 

Having brought the froward young man to this un- 
desirable bourn, the Bad Girl turned up the electric 
light, and then without any warning proceeded to fall 
into a state that bordered upon tears and general col- 
lapse. 

The heir to the barony was not feeling so very 
amused just now, though. 

“ My opinion you were listening, you cat.” 

“Granny — the dreadful old spitfire!” 


THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAMILY 149 


" Tactless of the Mater I’ll admit. Quite well meant 
though, Polly.” 

“ How dare you call me Polly after all that has hap- 
pened ! ” And the youngest member of the old theatri- 
cal family whisked away her tears with a rather smart 
lace-broidered handkerchief, and looked almost as 
fierce as the Cat in the moral drama of Dick Whitting- 
ton. 

“ Howlin’ blunder, I’ll admit ; but you aren’t crabbed 
about it, are you, old girl ? ” 

“ Please don’t admit anything, Mr. Shelmerdine — 
and how dare you call me old girl after what has hap- 
pened? Don’t let me have to ring for Jane and not 
receive you in future — ” 

“ So you were listening, you cat ! ” 

“ Wouldn’t you have been — Phil-ipp? ” 

“ It is a horrid mix-up though, isn’t it? Look here, 
old girl, I really think the best thing we can do is to go 
and get married to-morrow mornin’ before the Regis- 
trar.” 

Cinderella seemed to think, however, that such a pro- 
posal was not in the plane of practical politics. 

“ I know, old girl, that a Church is considered a bit 
more respectable; but I thought that the Registrar 
would be quicker and easier.” 

“You are rather taking it for granted, aren’t you, 


150 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Philip, that I’m going to marry you, when you know 
I’m not.” 

“ Well, I do think, Polly, after all that has hap- 
pened — ! ” 

But somehow Polly didn’t quite see it in that way. 
She couldn’t think of such a thing without the consent 
of Granny. And even if Granny did consent — which, 
of course, her consent would never be given, his people 
would never give theirs, would they? so that even that 
would not make their prospects any rosier. 

44 But I thought you were goin’ to be a pal to me, 
Polly ! ” 

44 So I am, Phil-ipp, but I mustn’t marry you, must 
I, against the wishes of your People.” 

It was hard for a young man of inexperience to know 
exactly how much was meant by the Bad Girl of the 
Family when she was in this kind of humor. But what- 
ever doubts that were in his mind, he suddenly laid hold 
of her quite firmly and kissed her quite soundly, and, 
strictly between ourselves, you young bachelors of Cam 
and Isis, that was just about the best thing he could 
have done in the circumstances. 

Nevertheless the young man was still involved pretty 
deeply in the crisis of his fate. Bliss unspeakable was 
so nearly within his grasp, and yet it was so elusive. 
He was not without the rudiments of determination, and 
he had fully made up his mind that this was the girl for 


THE BAD GIRL OF THE FAMILY 151 


him, but just now he really didn’t quite know how he 
was to enter his kingdom. 

Decidedly he must pluck this peach, and he must 
pluck it immediately. But how? — that was the prob- 
lem, with the Fates having loaded the dice. 


CHAPTER XV 


IN WHICH WE SIT AT THE FEET OF GAMALIEL 

On the morrow, or about midnight that same day, to 
be precise, when Arminius Wingrove came into the club 
after attending an important premiere, the great man 
was engaged in conversation by Mr. Philip while they 
dallied with devilled kidneys and other comestibles. 

“ Minnie,” said the vain young fellow, “ everybody 
says you are the cleverest chap in London, so I want 
your advice.” 

Rather cool, perhaps, to demand advice of the clever- 
est chap in London in this point-blank manner, but 
Arminius, who kept a generous heart beneath his waist- 
coat of white pique, showed no displeasure. 

“ If you mean about the girl you are making a fool 
of yourself over,” said the great man, “ don't, is the 
advice I shall have to give you.” 

“ Oh, but I’ve got beyond that already,” said the 
vain young fellow with a rather grand simplicity. 

“ Have you, though? ” said Arminius, pensive-like. 

“ Yes, I’m goin’ to marry her if she’ll have me, but 
the trouble is, she won’t.” 


152 


AT THE FEET OF GAMALIEL 15S 


“ Won’t she, though! ” said Arminius, looking rather 
like the statuette of himself by Sir W. G-sc-mbe J-hn. 

“ No, she won’t, Minnie, and that’s all about it, until 
her old grandmother gives her consent; and the old 
lady simply won’t hear of it.” 

“ Who is her old grandmother? ” inquired Arminius, 
“ and why won’t she? ” 

“ Her grandmother is Mrs. Cathcart, who played 
Lady Macbeth with David Garrick, and she’s taken a 
prejudice against me because I’m the son of a peer.” 

The manner of Arminius seemed to imply that old 
Mrs. Cathcart had been guilty of a very unfeminine 
proceeding. But being a disciple of Talleyrand, the 
great man did not clothe his thoughts with words. 

“ And to make matters worse, Minnie, there was a 
simply frightful turn-up between her grandmother and 
my Mater yesterday afternoon.” 

With the flair of a playwright whom Hannibal had 
himself approved, Arminius Win grove asked for fur- 
ther information. 

“ Simply gorgeous, Minnie, for a chap who hadn’t 
to be in it. Wouldn’t have missed it for worlds — ex- 
cept that I kind of wasn’t in a position to enjoy it, was 
I? But it hasn’t half crabbed the piece! Tragedy 
Queen ordered Mater out of the house, and says she 
shan’t receive her in future. So it’s all up with my 


154 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


people, and I’m afraid it’s all up with hers ; and the 
girl isn’t going to marry me without the consent of all 
parties.” 

The statement of the vain young fellow seemed both 
florid and ingenuous to Arminius Wingrove, who had 
hardly been so much amused by anything since the re- 
vival of The Importance of Being Earnest . 

“ And so you don’t think she’ll marry you, do you, 
my son ? ” 

Arminius Wingrove had not a mercenary nature, but 
he wouldn’t mind laying a “ pony ” on the event. The 
heart of the heir to the barony gave a bound. 

“ Why, what reason have you to think so, Minnie? ” 
he said in a voice of tense emotion. 

“ Because there’s not half a reason why she shouldn’t, 
my lad.” 

“ But she is simply devoted to her old grandmother.” 

“ The old lady has all her faculties, I presume? ” 

“ My Mater thinks so, anyway.” 

“ Well, then, there’s not half a reason why the girl 
shouldn’t marry you.” 

Still the reasoning of Arminius Wingrove was not 
altogether clear to the heir to the barony, who, to be 
sure, was somewhat slow in the uptake. 

“ Do you suppose, young feller, that any girl’s 
grandmother would stand in the way of forty thousand 
a year and a peerage? ” 


AT THE FEET OF GAMALIEL 155 


The young man shook his head. 

“ No, Minnie! She’s not that sort of girl; and she’s 
not that sort of grandmother. It is the confounded 
peerage that has crabbed the piece.” 

Polite incredulity on the part of the audience. 

“ Minnie, old boy, everybody says you are the clev- 
erest chap in London, but you don’t know Mary Cas- 
par.” 

Arminius Wingrove knew something about Woman, 
though. 

No, ladies — not a cynical ruffian altogether. His 
heart was in the right place even though he took this 
mercantile view. Therefore, by the time the Welsh 
rarebit arrived the great man conceived it to be his 
duty to dispense something extra superior in the way of 
advice. 

“ Young Shelmerdine,” said he, “ what the dooce do 
you want to go foolin’ around the stage door at all for? 
A chap like you ought to marry Adela Rocklaw. Make 
things unpleasant at home. No longer be welcomed in 
the best houses. Bored to tears about the second week 
of the honeymoon. Opportunities squandered. Much 
better have stayed in the Second, and gone racing quietly 
than to have come into money and to have broken out in 
this way. Now take the advice of a friend; and let 
us see you at the Church of Paul or of Peter at an 
early date awaiting the arrival of old Warlock’s sev- 


156 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


enth and most attractive daughter, and I will have 
my hat ironed, and be proud to accompany you down 
the nave of the cathedral.” 

It was not often that this man of the world was 
moved in this way; but he had just staged a rattling 
good comedy, and devilled kidneys and Welsh rarebits 
and tankards of strong ale are rather stimulating diet, 
when you sit listening to the chimes at midnight. It is 
a disconcerting psychological fact, though, that no 
young man has ever heeded the voice of wisdom in these 
circumstances. 

“ It is awful good of you, Minnie, to take the trou- 
ble to advise me, but I’m goin’ to marry Mary Caspar 
if flesh and blood can manage it.” 

“ Then it’s a walk-over for flesh and blood, you silly 
young fool,” said Arminius Wingrove with rather 
brutal frankness. 


CHAPTER XVI 


IN WHICH THE MOUNTAIN COMES TO 
MAHOMET 

Mu. Philip found an imperious mandate from Gros- 
venor Square had been laid beside his silver cigar-box 
when he returned to the Albany at a quarter past two 
by the morning. It ran : — 

“ Dear Philip, — Your father desires to see you most 
particularly upon important business at ten o’clock to- 
morrow morning. 

46 Your loving Mother.” 

“ She means this momin’, and I shan’t be up if I 
don’t go to bed soon,” said the heir to the barony, sit- 
ting down before the remains of the fire to consider the 
situation in all its bearings. 

The melancholy consequence was that not all the 
King’s horses and not all the King’s men, including the 
young man’s body servant, were able to wake him until 
a few minutes before eleven, in spite of the fact that a 
special messenger had been round from the Home De- 
partment. 

If, however, Mahomet declines to move, it is time 

157 


158 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


for the Mountain to be up and doing. Therefore, just 
as Mr. Philip, enveloped in a sky-blue dressing-gown, 
was pouring out his coffee with an uncertain hand, 
something rather portentous was ushered into the pres- 
ence of the wicked young prodigal. 

The white eyebrows of the great Proconsul were a 
triumph of brushwork; the set of the tie was stem 
uncommonly; indeed, the whole paternal aspect was 
enough to strike awe in the heart of the beholder. 

The evidence that it did so, however, is not altogether 
conclusive. 

The young waster buttering his toast at a quarter- 
past eleven in a sky-blue dressing-gown, rose and of- 
fered his hand in an easy and leisurely, but withal in a 
manly and unaffected fashion. 

“ I was just cornin’ round, father,” said the young 
man. 

Father declined a cup of coffee and a cigarette with- 
out any effervescence of gratitude. 

“ Take a pew, won’t you? ” said the young man, re- 
turning to his toast and butter. 

Cool and off-handed young fellow, perhaps, thus to 
receive a great Proconsul, still his tone was not without 
deference, even if his air was casual. 

Father took a pew. 

“ You don’t look very comfy in that one. Take the 
one with the arms to it.” 


THE MOUNTAIN AND MAHOMET 159 


“ Do quite well, thanks,” said Father, in a deep base 
voice. 

A state of armed neutrality? — ye-es, it did seem 
rather like it. Father didn’t seem quite to know 
where to begin : Son knew better than to provide assist- 
ance. 

“ See in the paper that Van rather got across old 
Balsquith last night? ” said Son conversationally. 

Father had heard the debate from the Peers’ Gal- 
lery. 

Son wondered what would win the Coronation Vase 
— havin’ forgotten that Father didn’t go racin’. 

44 Philip,” said Father, in tones of deep emotion, 44 it 
seems to me that you — ” And Father paused. 

— Are going to the Devil as fast as you can, is 
really what your distinguished parent desires to say 
to you, but he is trying to say it without treading on 
your feelings, which is more consideration than you 
deserve, you blighter! — thus the Twin Brethren for 
the personal information of the Green Chartreuse. 

No business of his if I am, was the very unfilial re- 
joinder of the latter. 

44 Philip,” said Father, after a pause, 44 your mother 
is very upset.” 

Young fellow was sorry to hear it — very, but the 
weather is always so full of surprises in February. 

Mother had not yet recovered, it appeared, from the 


160 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


most painful scene last Sunday afternoon with the 
grandmother of the Person. 

As the occurrence had been reported to the great 
Proconsul, the Person’s venerable relative had not be- 
haved as nicely as she might have done. 

Son was awfully cut up about it, but he didn’t quite 
agree. With all respect to Mother, he could not help 
thinking that Miss Caspar’s venerable relative had been 
in receipt of provocation. 

White eyebrows erected themselves archwise. 

44 But we won’t go into That,” said Father. 

Perhaps it would be better not, said the Green 
Chartreuse in an aside to Messrs. Crosse and Black- 
well’s marmalade. 

Very disagreeable, though, thought Father, and very 
serious, too. There was nothing more painful to a 
right-thinking parent than to see a son — and an Eldest 
Son, too — making hay of his prospects. 

Didn’t quite agree again with his father. The Green 
Chartreuse was suffering evidently from an attack of 
valor this morning. 

44 But there are the facts, my dear boy. Let them 
be looked in the face.” 

44 1 wish, father, you would consent to meet Mary. 
She’s an absolute nailer, you know.” 

Father was so disconcerted by the behavior of Son 
that he kind of began to clothe his thoughts with 


THE MOUNTAIN AND MAHOMET 161 


language. A singularly unfortunate entanglement ; 
people would be shocked; family interests would suffer; 
such unions never turned out well — how could they ? 
Besides, Warlock was so sensitive. In fact, with all 
the conviction of which he was capable — and a Procon- 
sul is capable of a good deal — Father urged Son to 
pause and reflect. 

Son had already done so. 

Was it conceivable? 

Oh, yes, quite, if Father didn’t mind his saying so. 
He had a private income, and she was the nicest girl in 
London ; an opinion, he was sure, in which Father was 
bound to concur, when he’d seen her. 

But ... !! 

Yes, but people were getting so much broader-minded, 
weren’t they? 

Father had heard that that was the case; but in his 
opinion excess of breadth was an even more serious 
menace to the Empire — being a great Proconsul, of 
course, Father always thought Imperially — than to err 
a little on the other side. 

If you looked at things in that way, thought Mr. 
Philip. 

Don’t cheek your father and a proconsul, too, you 
young bounder, said the Twin Brethren. 

Don’t let those eyebrows overawe you, my son, said 
the Green Chartreuse. 


162 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


How else could one look at things? the Proconsul 
inquired in tones of pained expostulation. 

“ This is the way I look at things, father,” said Mr, 
Philip, <c if you don’t mind my goin’ into details.” 

“ Pray do so, my boy. I shall welcome them.” 

“ Well, this is my feelin’ on the subject. You are 
sort of shot here, don’t you know, without anybody 
askin’ you whether you wanted to come. You are sort 
of dumped here, don’t you know, and told to make the 
best of a pretty bad mix-up. Well, I don’t mind tellin’ 
you, father, I’ve been gettin’ rather fed up with the 
whole Affair lately.” 

An idle and selfish course of life leads invariably to 
that state of mind, said Father in effect, though his 
language was politer. It was a great mistake ever to 
have left the Second. 

Son had got just as fed up there, though. It seemed 
such a silly arrangement for grown men of five-and- 
twenty. 

Father was pained at This. 

“ Fact is,” said the Green Chartreuse, who was a 
veritable Swaggering Companion this morning, “ a 
chap is bound to get fed up unless he can find a real 
nice girl to take him on, and give him an interest in 
things. And I reckon I’ve found her, although I 
haven’t persuaded her yet; but, father, if you’ll be so 


THE MOUNTAIN AND MAHOMET 163 


kind as to go and talk to her grandmother, a real good 
sort who has played Bean with Lady Macbeth, and put 
in a word for me, I’m sure it would straighten things 
out a bit.” 

Father was constrained to remark at this point that 
he was afraid the Eldest Son of the House was hope- 
less. It was truly unfortunate that he could not be 
brought to realize the gravity of the issue. 

Mr. Philip seemed willing to concede that from one 
point of view it would be quite right to marry Adela. 
But suppose you were not built in that way ? 

Father, however, found not the least difficulty in mak- 
ing a rejoinder. “ Marry Adela, my dear boy, what- 
ever way you are built in, and you will never regret it. 
You will have done your duty in a manner becoming to 
the sphere to which it has pleased Providence to call 
you. Your mother will be pleased ; I propose to double 
your present income; Warlock is prepared to be gener- 
ous in regard to Adela’s settlement; I am sure High 
Cliff will view the arrangement favorably; the little 
house in Grosvenor Street can be had on a short lease 
on reasonable terms ; Mr. Vandeleur is inclined to think 
it would do no harm to the Party; most agreeable, ac- 
complished, and charming girl; what could any young 
fellow — but why labor the point? ” 

Son rather agreed that it might be taken as read. 


164 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL' 


Still the fact remained that if you are not built in 
that way you are bound to be up against it. 

The Proconsul had no pity for such weakness of 
fiber, such general infirmity of character. 

“ Do you suppose, my dear boy, that when I married 
your dear mother I had no qualms? ” 

It may have been that this important truth was wrung 
from the great Proconsul before he realized its im- 
minence. It was a period of considerable emotional 
stress just now, you must please remember. 

“ Do you suppose I did not realize that my life was 
not going to be altogether a bed of roses at first? But 
I am proud to say I was ambitious, and I can look all the 
world in the face and say I have never regretted my 
action. Our life together has been exceedingly har- 
monious; your mother is a most estimable and a thor- 
oughly good woman ; and I should have been guilty of 
the greatest error of my career had I allowed any in- 
firmity of purpose to frustrate a union which has been 
so abundantly blessed by heaven.” 

Seldom had the great Proconsul been moved so 
deeply. 

“ Let us beware, my dear boy, lest the weakening of 
fiber of the present generation does not undermine our 
Empire. Pray do not think for one single moment that 
you will ever regret a union with Adela Rocklaw. As 


THE MOUNTAIN AND MAHOMET 165 


for this other step, I assure you, my dear boy, it is un- 
thinkable.” 

Having thus unburdened his mind, the Proconsul 
rose, and, still the prey of deep emotion, swayed ma- 
jestically forth of the Albany B4. 


CHAPTER XVII 


IN WHICH WE ARE TAKEN TO VIEW A LITTLE 
FLAT IN KNIGHTSBRIDGE 

Mr. Philip felt rather limp after the state visit. 

u How happy I should be if I were not the son of 
my father!” was the somewhat unfilial tenor of his 
thoughts. 

Still, he mustered the courage to take Mary out to 
lunch, but he didn’t refer to the recent interview with 
the Proconsul. 

“ When is your time up at the Lane, old girl? ” in- 
quired the vain young man. 

“ Quite soon now, Phil-ipp.” 

“ And then what are you doin’ ? ” 

“ I am going to take Gran’ma to Brighton for a 
fortnight, and then I’m going to tour the provinces as 
Lady Agatha in Kind Hearts and Coronets , until Mr. 
Wingrove’s new play is put into rehearsal at the Millen- 
nium.” 

Mr. Philip had ordered half a bottle of Number 68, it 
is rather important to mention, although it had gone 
up half-a-crown in spite of the fact that some people 
think it is quite expensive enough already. 

166 


A FLAT IN IvNIGHTSBRIDGE 167 


“ Genii’ to be leadin’ a full life, ain’t you, Polly? ” 

“ Seems like it, doesn’t it, Phil-ipp ! ” 

“ Well, I think you ought to turn up those beastly 
provinces, I do really. You are much too good for 
’em. I don’t know much about it, of course, but it 
seems to me that such art as yours is wasted on the bally 
provinces.” 

“ Perhaps you are right, Phil-ipp,” said Mary the 
demure. “ But I love the dear old things.” 

“ If I were you, Polly, I should never play out of 
London, if I had to play at all.” 

Polly admitted there might be something in this view. 
Still, she would miss the dear old provinces terribly, and 
perhaps they might miss her. 

And then Number 68 began to display considerable 
boldness. 

“ There’s a little flat in Knightsbridge, a toppin’ 
little hole, that I think we might go round and look at, 
old girl, don’t you? Very cheap for the position and 
the landlord will paint it throughout, and we can have 
possession any time we want it.” 

Polly didn’t mind going to look at it, as she rather 
liked looking over such things. 

The flat was charming. A little high up, perhaps, 
but there were two delightful rooms that overlooked the 
park. It was one of the most tempting spots in the 
metropolis. Yet there was one serious drawback, which 


168 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


in the opinion of Philip, however, was almost a merit. 
It was likely to be much sought after, said the house- 
agent; any delay in taking it might be fatal. They 
could only be allowed a week in which to make up their 
minds. 

Yes, the flat was charming, they agreed, as they 
walked up Piccadilly. And only a week in which to 
make up their minds ! Still, that was rather providen- 
tial, if you looked at it from Philip’s point of view. 

“ Wasn’t it, Polly?” 

“ Why do you think so, Phil-ipp ? ” 

“ We’ve got to make up our minds at once, haven’t 
we?” 

“ I’ve made up my mind already, Phil-ipp. It is 
the very place for you; so much moderner and pleas- 
anter and lighter than your chambers.” 

“ Yes, old girl, but I shouldn’t think of it for a 
moment without you.” 

“ Why not, Phil-ipp ? ” 

“ Oh, I shouldn’t.” 

A bald reason, perchance, but a manly conviction had 
given it currency. 

“ But that’s absurd, Phil-ipp. Why should a mere 
chorus girl — ?” 

66 Look here, Polly,” said the fierce young man, <c you 
mustn’t suppose I’m going to be chipped by you. If 
I take that flat, you’ve got to come and live in it; and, 


A FLAT IN KNIGHT SB RIDGE 169 


Polly ” — and for all they were just opposite the Bur- 
lington Arcade, the vain young man took a firm grip of 
the arm of Mary the obdurate — 44 I’m bally well goin’ 
to take that flat.” 

44 Are you, Phil-ipp ? ” 

44 Yes, and I’m goin’ to take it now.” 

44 What ! — now, Phil-ipp ? ” 

44 At once. Come on back to the house-agents.” 

44 But they are half-a-mile away, Phil-ipp.” 

44 Never mind; it’s a nice day for a walk.” 

44 But what about Granny P and what about the great 
Proconsul; and what about Lady Shelmerdine of Pot- 
terhanworth? ” 

44 Oh, let ’em go to blazes — that is, old girl, I beg 
pardon.” 

44 1 should just hope so. And let go my arm, 
Phil-ipp ; people are looking at us.” 

44 Well, let’s cut back again.” 

44 But, Phil-ipp.” 

44 You said yourself that it was the nicest position in 
London, and only nine hundred and fifty a year, which 
seems rather ridiculous, considerin’ — ” 

44 Considering what, Phil-ipp ? ” 

44 Considerin’ the way they stick you for three rooms 
and a private bathroom.” 

44 Yes, Phil-ipp, but then think of the address! ” 

Never, however, in the whole course of his career, 


170 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


not even when he had scored those three goals against 
Scotland, had Mr. Philip shown more invincible de- 
termination than at this moment. If there was not to 
be a scene in Piccadilly and a paragraph in the even- 
ing papers, Mary would have to do as she was told. 

“ Phil-ipp, you are behaving anyhow.” 

“ Less of it, Polly.” 

“ Less of what, Phil-ipp ? ” 

“ Your cheek — you cat.” 

Unbridled insolence, which we are sure no girl of 
refined instincts and decent nurture — do you think so, 
Madam? All the same, that is the manner in which 
Phil-ipp admonished her, and her salary was a hundred 
a week, and was likely to be two hundred presently; 
and the ex-non-commissioned officer on duty at the en- 
trance to the Burlington Arcade pricked up his ears 
disapprovingly at such language being used to a lady; 
and his trained observation told him she was a lady, 
although her face had rather more powder on it than 
it ought to have had; and he wondered whether he 
would have permitted himself to use such language in 
such circumstances when he was a young chap in the 
Guards with one stripe a-courtin* the Missus; and 
whether the Missus would have had him in spite of his 
uniform if he had courted her in that way; and 
whether she wouldn’t have been quite right ; and 


A FLAT IN KNIGHTSBRIDGE 171 


whether anybody knew what things were cornin’ to, be- 
cause he was quite sure that he didn’t. And yes, there 
the young chap had got hold of her arm again, and, 
strike his lucky! they were chipping each other like 
one o’clock; and a dashed pretty girl, and not a bad- 
looking young chap either. And what were the pair o’ 
turtledoves — as of course a chap of his experience 
could see with half an eye — quarrelling about? No, 
not quarrelling exactly, but chipping each other and 
cross-talking somewhat. And what was it all about? 
Why, a flat in Knightsbridge. You ’ave it, miss, and 
be thankful for the chawnce, and think yourself fortu- 
nate, which of course you are; and so is he if he gets 
you to go and arrange the flowers in the vases for him. 

Down the street again they are going now, though, 
yet still conducting their heated argument. Granny 
would be furious, and so would Mother. And Father 
would cut him out of the succession — which of course he 
couldn’t ; and that, perhaps, was almost a pity. She 
would have to give up the provinces and break her con- 
tracts, and everything would be so uncomfortable for 
everybody — 

“ Except, old girl, for you and me.” 

“ But that’s rather selfish, isn’t it, Phil-ipp ? ” 

Phil-ipp dared say it was a little, but yet not alto- 
gether, because, after all, it was the way of human na- 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


172 

ture. Not a very conclusive piece of reasoning, young 
fellow, but Mistress Polly was bound to admit that, 
superficial as it was, it would bear thinking upon. 

66 Be a pal to me, Polly, and I’ll be a pal to you, old 
girl, and we’ll be as happy as the birds in the spring- 
time ; and you’ll see that my people will come round all 
right, and you’ll see that Granny will forgive you! ” 

And here they were at the office of Messrs. Thomp- 
son and Allardyce in Wilton Place — not so far from the 
Church. And Phil-ipp informed a polite young man, 
with quite the Oxford manner, that they’d take that flat 
on a three years’ lease from Lady Day — and that, my 
lords and gentlemen, was how the trick was done. For 
by the time they had bade adieu to the polite young 
man with the Oxford manner they were as good as 
married. 

At least, Phil-ipp seemed to think they were. A little 
previous, perhaps, young fellow; but when you are 
proceeding full steam ahead at rather more than nine 
knots an hour, you are rather apt to^ get a little in 
front of the time-table, are you not? 

“ That’s the very old thing for us,” said Phil-ipp, 
waving his hand across at the Church. “ And I say, 
old girl, let us see if we can’t persuade Granny to give 
a reception at the Hyde Park Hotel; and I’ll persuade 
old Min Wingrove to bring all the brightest people in 
London, and we shall rather wipe the eye of No. 88, 


A FLAT IN KNIGHTSBRIDGE 173 


the corner house, old girl, shan’t we, when they see the 
pictures in the papers ? ” 

“ I shall rather like to see you persuading Granny, 
though, Phil-ipp, particularly after what has oc- 
curred.” 

But Phil-ipp affirmed his manly determination to take 
the risk, especially as Polly desired to bet a shilling that 
he daren’t. 

“ Done with you. And I’m hanged if we won’t go 
right away and tackle her.” 

Whereupon the imperious young man, who was re- 
vealing a whole gamut of unexpected qualities, bundled 
Polly straight into a taxi, demanded to be driven to 
10 Bedford Gardens — that magic address — and got 
in himself. 

“ I say, old girl,” said he, as they sped past the win- 
dows of the Button Club, 66 little Marge can be one of 
your bridesmaids, can’t she ? ” 

“ Goose,” said Mary. 

Yes, and a big one, to be scientifically accurate; yet 
the proudest and happiest young fellow in all the me- 
tropolis just now, possessed by the demon of Damn the 
Consequences. 


CHAPTER XVIII 


IN WHICH THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DAMNED 
WITH NO UNCERTAINTY 

Muffins and Chayney Tea in Grandmamma’s with- 
drawing-room were not out of place, because the 
afternoon had been really so strenuous ; moreover, Grand- 
mamma herself did not appear to view the guilty pair 
with the eye of disfavor. But that as breeding, doubt- 
less. Not that Mr. Philip entered into any exhaustive 
inquiry. When you are in the seventh heaven, even the 
eye of Edward Bean’s goddaughter may be bereft of 
some of its terrors. 

“ We had such a lovely lunch at Pagani’s, Granny 
dear.” 

“ Had you, my dear ? How interesting ! ” 

Did Granny mean it was interesting, or did she mean 
it wasn’t? You see, you never quite know — do you? 
— when the elocution of old ladies who have kept pretty 
good company for about eighty-four summers is so very 
clear-cut. 

“ And what do you think, Granny? I have been 
with Phil-ipp to take a perfectly lovely little flat on a 
174 


THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DAMNED 175 


three years’ lease in Knightsbridge, overlooking the 
park.” 

“ With whom have you been, my dear? ” 

Now we do think that was just a little unkind of 
Granny, don’t you? 

Mary’s elocution, though, in the opinion of Mr. 
Hollins — and he’s an authority — was worth two hun- 
dred a week to the Lane; so it came in very useful just 
now, and showed that she was not going to be put out of 
court as easily as all that. 

“ With Phil-ipp, Granny dear.” 

“ Mr. Shelmerdine, I presume, my dear.” 

Granny’s presumption was correct; and a few more 
muffins were indicated, Mary seemed to think, for all 
that her lunch at Pagani’s had been so terrific. 

All this was merely brushing the ice; it was not 
really breaking it; and who was going to break it was 
the problem that now was exercising the manly bosom 
of Philip. However, they would await that further 
relay of muffins before they ventured on the pickaxe 
act. 

Muffins with a little salt sprinkled upon ’em do splen- 
didly with Chayney tea, even after a toppin’ little 
lunch at Pagani’s. Sometimes, that is. Rather de- 
pends, you know, on what quarter the moon is in, and 
whether Mars and Venus are in conjunction, and Jupiter 
is in the First House, and the Sun is in Aries, and so 


176 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


on. But given that all these signs and portents are 
favorable, there is really no reason why muffins and salt 
and Chayney tea should not be perfectly delectable in 
Granny’s withdrawing-room at twenty minutes past 
four, even after a champagne luncheon at Pagani’s at 
a quarter to two. 

The planetary bodies have been behaving quite 
nicely this afternoon, so far. Let us hope they will 
continue to do so. 

Jupiter was in the First House, you must please re- 
member; and it was not less than he, as of course the 
discerning reader has known from the first, who ruled 
the destinies of this daughter of good fortune who had 
been endowed with every grace. Therefore it need sur- 
prise no one that Mary received a special message by 
wireless with her second cup of Chayney tea. 

“ Take Granny into your confidence now, my dear,” 
ran the message. “ She has had quite a nice nap ; her 
rheumatism has scarcely troubled her at all to-day ; 
she can’t help liking your Phil-ipp, although she has 
tried her hardest not to ; and she is rather inclined to 
think that it may do no harm to teach — ” 

Yes, it is doubtless right to keep that part of the 
message off the records at present. 

Mary flung her arms round the neck of Granny, in 
perilous contiguity to the real-lace-of-Siddons. 


THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DAMNED 177 


“ What would you say if Phil-ipp and I were to get 
married, Granny — quite soon — and we had a sort of 
a little honeymoon at Brighton with you? ” 

This was the pickaxe with a vengeance, Miss Mary. 
Jupiter was very much in the First House this after- 
noon. 

Granny did not say anything immediately. Still, 
having had a good nap, she sustained the inquiry with 
admirable composure. 

“ Very precipitate, my dear, and very unwise, I fear. 
Have you given sufficient consideration to the Step ? 99 

“ We’ve both thought it over, ma’am,” said Mr. 
Philip, who really felt he was walking on air just now. 

“ The Step seems singularly unwise to me, Mr. Shel- 
merdine.” 

“ Why does it, Granny ? ” 

“ The reasons, my dear, are many and hardly such 
as to call for enumeration. In the first place, I under- 
stand that Mr. Shelmerdine’s family is much opposed to 
the Match.” 

“ They are bound to come round, ma’am if we give 
them time,” said Mr. Philip. 

Grandmamma was not so optimistic. 

“ Not, of course, Mr. Shelmerdine, if you will per- 
mit me to say so, that in the circumstances one regards 
the sanction of your parents as a sine qua non.” 


178 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


The young man concurred with Grandmamma, more 
explicitly perhaps than he ought to have done. 

“ And then there is the question of your vocation, 
Mr. Shelmerdine. You have none at present, I under- 
stand.” 

“ I’m goin’ to see about Parliament at once, ma’am.” 

Grandmamma was bound to admit that the State of 
Things was not wholly satisfactory to her, but she had 
had a good nap, and Jupiter was in the First House, 
and it would really do no harm to Mary to retire from 
Pantomime and marry a nice young man — which this 
young man appeared to be, in spite of his mother. 
Moreover, Grandmamma, being an old lady of spirit, 
was not altogether averse from teaching some people a 
lesson. So if she didn’t say Yes with any degree of 
enthusiasm, she didn’t say No with any measure of con- 
viction. She belonged to a bygone age which looked 
at things rather differently from the present one; but 
if young people wanted very much to marry, old people 
should not interfere more than was really necessary. 
All of which goes to show that when Grandmamma had 
had a good nap and Jupiter was in the First House, she 
could be as wise and broad-minded as any other old 
lady. 

Still, Grandmamma was afraid that things had al- 
tered strangely since her time; but this was a nice young 
man, in spite of his unfilial attitude ; and if a girl really 


THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DAMNED 179 


felt she had to marry, there can be nothing so very 
wrong in marrying a nice young man. But things had 
altered since her time, thought Granny. Nice young 
men hardly behaved in this way in 1851, the Exhibition 
year; which rather goes to show, we are afraid, that the 
wisest of old ladies are as prone to misread the signs 
and portents as the lesser mortals. 

Mary and Philip, however, kept their exuberance for 
a crowded and glorious five minutes in the Private Pig- 
gery, wherein the lucky young dog inveigled himself 
for the purpose of putting on the coat with the as- 
trachan collar. 

44 We must get it all fixed up at once, old girl, and 
we’ll waste no time about it. We’ll do it in style, at a 
church, don’t you think? Not of course that I don’t 
prefer the other way, like any other chap if he had his 
choice, but that’s a bit rough on the girl, isn’t it? ” 

Mary thought he was rather a dear to think of the 
Girl’s side; and he thought that she was rather a dear 
to think that he could be a dear for thinking of his 
obvious duty. And there they were, you see. Now 
please don’t be cynical, you young ladies of Newnham 
and Girton ; it will be your turn presently, and when it 
comes, my dears, take the advice of your Uncle John, 
and behave as much as you can like Philip and Mary. 
But see that the door of the Private Piggery is closed 
when Jane is passing, otherwise it may have a tendency 


180 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


to put ideas in the heads of pretty young parlor-maids, 
and Grandmamma has found occasion to tell Miss Jane 
privately more than once that she has quite sufficient 
of Those already. 

“ We’ll send out invitations for anywhere you like, 
old girl, and we’ll get old Minnie Wingrove to collect 
all the brightest people in London ; and the papers will 
make such a fuss that we shan’t half wipe the eye of 
Grosvenor Square, shall we? ” 

“ Naughty Phil-ipp. You mustn’t never wipe the 
eye of no one.” 

Still, she had rather forgotten, hadn’t she, young 
ladies of Newnham and Girton, that Mr. Philip was 
not yet an archangel in a large way of trade, although 
apparently that was her ambition for him. But you 
won’t think any the worse of her, will you? It’s all in 
the game, my dears, and a very nice game, too, if you 
play it slowly. 

How long would it take her to get her trousseau? 

No, you young bachelors of Cam and Isis, that was 
not a clever question. But one must expect this sort 
of thing of an amateur now and then. Philip, young 
friend, your inquiry should have been differently ex- 
pressed. 

And what was Mary’s answer to the foolish ques- 
tion? Why, just what yours would have been, young 
ladies. 


THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DAMNED 181 


Mary didn’t know how long it would take her to get 
her trousseau. 

We agree with you, my dears, that only a perfect 
Silly would have been guilty of any such inquiry. 

Should they go to Algiers for the honeymoon? 

“ Yes, Phil-ipp, but who is going to look after 
Granny at Brighton? She goes there every March, 
you know, by advice.” 

“ We’ll go to Brighton, then,” said Philip, “ or a 
tour round the world, or anywhere.” 

So they left it at that ; and the lucky young dog pro- 
ceeded on foot to the nearest of his clubs, for all that he 
felt like an airship really; and engaged in a game of 
snooker pool with two eminent criminal barristers — 
that is to say, two eminent members of the Common Law 
Bar — and was very soon the poorer by the sum of two 
pounds sterling. 

Then the young man sat down and wrote a little line 
to Mary, which ran to four pages, and was absolutely 
superfluous, because it was really about nothing at all 
except to remind her that she was the dearest and best, 
etc. Fortunately he had the good sense to tear it up, 
so that not one was a penny the worse for an ill- written, 
and miss-spelt, and hopelessly ungrammatical effusion, 
and that notwithstanding that the writer had enjoyed 
all the advantages of a regular classical education. 
And then Mr. Wingrove sauntered into the Club in 


182 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


his magnificent mannah, and then the floodgates opened. 

“ I’ve done it, Min.” 

The great man was almost afraid the too-familiar 
groundling would cast himself upon his neck. 

“Done what, and why have you done it?” was the 
unsympathetic inquiry of one whose heart was really 
as ripe as his judgment. 

A long and impassioned recital, of course; and Min- 
nie must help to make it a really great occasion, in order 
to wipe the eye of No. 88, the comer house. 

Mr. Wingrove evinced no particular enthusiasm for 
this operation, and that was as it should have been, 
because the attitude of Mr. Philip was fearfully un- 
filial. Do not for a moment let us pretend it wasn’t. 
But what was a chap to do? 

In the circumstances, perhaps, thought Arminius Win- 
grove, it would show good feeling to be married by the 
Registrar. 

“ I’m hanged if we’ll be,” said Philip, “ unless she 
really wants it ; and of course no girl does.” 

“ Then it appears to me,” said Arminius Wingrove, 
“ that you should go to church as quietly as possible in 
the absence of your parents.” 

“ That’s their look-out, though,” said this dogged 
Briton. “ They’ll get an invitation ; and if they like 
to come, so much the better ; and if they don’t, why it’s 
up to us to show that we can do without ’em.” 


THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DAMNED 183 


But Arminius Wingrove was quite a man of the world, 
you know. If your admirable parents consent to grace 
this celebration, said that great man, I will exert any 
little influence I may possess to raise large type in 
the Leading Morning Journal. But if your admirable 
parents decide not to grace this celebration, let only 
the chosen few be present, because to my mind good 
taste requires it. 

These were wise words of Arminius Wingrove. Pray 
ponder ’em, you young bachelors of Cam and Isis. And 
you young ladies of Newnham and Girton, should you 
ever — which we hope you’ll never — go to church in a 
mechanically propelled vehicle without the consent of 
your parents, please to remember that in the mature 
judgment of the arbiter elegantiarum , good taste re- 
quires that you shall be married in your traveling dress ? 
and that you shall go in by the side entrance. 


CHAPTER XIX 


A GREAT OCCASION 

Mother was the first to see in the Morning Post that 
a marriage had been arranged, and would shortly take 
place. She handed the excellent journal across the 
table to Father with a sphinxlike countenance. But, 
as Mr. Jennings subsequently informed the house- 
keeper, Mrs. Meeson, in a private colloquy in the pantry, 
his lordship took the blow with resignation. 

“ No more than I’ve been expecting for some little 
time past, Agatha,” said the great Proconsul. 

But the wife of his bosom was dumb with dismay. 

“ Agatha,” said the Proconsul, after Mr. Jennings 
had quitted the scene, “ have you seen the Person? ” 

“ I have, Wally ; and I am strongly of opinion that 
Philip is out of his mind.” 

Not very comforting, was it? 

There was only one thing to be done, though, and 
that was what generations of excellent parents have had 
to do before them — namely, and to wit, To Grin and 
Bear It. 

Frankly, the Governing Classes were not specially 
good at grinning, but they bore the blow with resigna- 
184 


A GREAT OCCASION 


185 


tion tempered by quiet dignity. They had done noth- 
ing to deserve the unmerited Cross of Fortune — the 
Reverend Canon Fearon came in person to inform them 
of that. Their lives were virtuous ; their aspirations 
blameless; their good works manifest. But the ways 
of Providence were inscrutable — cream, please, but no 
sugar, thank you — why the blow should have fallen 
upon them of all people — a little brown bread and 
butter — was one more familiar instance of the things 
that passed all understanding. 

Consolation for the spirit, you see, was at the service 
of Mother. Father received that form of sustenance 
also — at the Helicon, that temple of light. 

“ My dear Shelmerdine,” said Ch : Bungay, the 
friend of his youth, “ it is good to know that the blow 
is sustained with the accustomed resignation of a true 
Christian.” 

It was by no means clear, however, that in Mount 
Street the Christian Ticket was sweeping the polls at 
this period. The resignation of Pa, in the opinion of 
rumor, was a little less pronounced than that of his 
neighbors. The butler gave notice the same afternoon. 
On the following morning her ladyship’s maid declined 
to stay to have her head bitten off, and went to the 
length of saying so. Even the Reverend Canon Fearon 
was constrained to think that an Irish peerage was 
hardly the same as the home-made article. 


186 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


It was an unlucky state of things, said the friends 
of both families. Rather depended upon how you 
looked at it though, thought the People Next Door. 
A Love Match is sometimes superior to a Mariage de 
Convenance, thought Ann Veronica, who had just re- 
turned from Dresden. Perhaps She Won’t Be Quite 
So Stuck Up Now, wrote the Flapper from Eastbourne. 
He’s swopped her for the absolute nicest gal in Lon- 
don, anyhow, said the Probationer in His Majesty’s 
Horseguards. And Mamma said that she was surprised 
that Percy should talk in that way ; and his Papa hoped 
that he wouldn’t go making a fool of himself; and the 
Reverend Canon Fearon, when he called to ask the Peo- 
ple Next Door what they thought about it, was rather 
inclined to agree with all parties, since yesterday at 
luncheon his Bishop had given utterance to the pro- 
foundly searching moral observation that the streams 
of tendency were apt to overlook their banks a little 
by the time the rising generation was ready to embark. 

It is good to know that the Great did not lack spirit- 
ual aid in their hour of tribulation. But Pa in Mount 
Street and the Seventh Unmarried Daughter were not 
so chastened as they might have been, perhaps ; and 
Father and Mother still went out to dinner regularly, in 
spite of this humiliation. 

Nevertheless, Father and Mother declined the invita- 
tion to St. James’s, Wilton Place, and to the reception 


A GREAT OCCASION 


187 


afterwards, which, if they would consent to grace it, 
would be held by Grandmamma, her eighty-four years 
notwithstanding, at the Hyde Park Hotel. 

The reply of Mother was a model of dignity, but the 
reception was not held. It could have been, certainly, 
since there were a number of people who would have 
been delighted to come; but the goddaughter of Bean, 
in her conscious strength, agreed with Arminius Win- 
grove that it would show good feeling not to wipe the 
eye of Grosvenor Square. 

The nuptials of Philip and Mary were not so brilliant 
as they might have been, perhaps, had Father and 
Mother attended them, but everything was very nice and 
cheerful all the same. The bridesmaids were five ladies 
of the Profession, including Marge; and excluding Tim- 
othy, who was a page in an extraordinarily smart blue 
suiting, which he had to be most careful how he sat in 
it. It wasn’t Dr. Bridge who played the organ, but a 
gentleman quite as clever, think some who heard him 
on the festal afternoon. The ex-brother-officer remem- 
bered where the ring was put; Philip remembered to 
kiss Mary — and, you young bachelors of Cam and 
Isis you will hurt Her feelings awfully if you should 
forget that part of the ceremony, so kindly make a 
note of the foregoing — and everybody thought the 
Bride looked absolutely sweet, and that Philip was a 
very fortunate young man. 


188 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


And in the judgment of Herb and Arminius Win- 
grove, Grandmamma, in a fine new hat, was right in the 
foreground of the picture. 

Everything was just as it should have been; every- 
body looked pleased and happy; and when forth the 
organ pealed the noble work by Mendelssohn all agreed 
that they made a mighty handsome pair. 

There was no reception at the Hyde Park Hotel ; but 
Mr. Hollins bade all and sundry attend a tea-party on 
the classic boards of Drury. Grandmamma cut the 
cake that Mr. Hollins had provided; and Marge and 
Timothy ate thereof — not a crumb more than was good 
for ’em, although both came very near the limit. And 
then Mr. Hollins made a speech which we f eel obliged to 
quote verbatim in this place. 

Said Mr. Hollins : “ Ladies and Gentlemen, I sin- 

cerely hope this is not the end of a great career. 
(Hear, hear.) I have my doubts about it, though. I 
have seen this sort of thing before. (Cheers and laugh- 
ter.) We all envy the Bridegroom, and I am afraid 
we shall find it hard to forgive him, if, as our prophetic 
souls have feared, he robs a great profession of a 
chief ornament. (Hear, hear.) But if this is a grudge 
we may have to cherish against him, there is a serv- 
ice he has rendered to us that must always redound 
to his credit. He is the means of summoning back to 
these classic boards, after an absence, she tells me, of 


A GREAT OCCASION 


189 


forty-three years, one of the great figures of a bygone 
generation, whose name was as familiar as a household 
word throughout the length and breadth of the land, 
before even the improvident parents of the majority 
of those of us who are present this afternoon had ar- 
ranged about our cradles. Ladies and Gentlemen, I 
refer to that true ornament of her profession, Mrs. 
Cathcart. (Loud and prolonged applause.) We are 
exceedingly proud to have her among us; and some of 
you will doubtless boast to your grandchildren that 
you have had the opportunity of drinking the health 
of this famous and venerable lady, because, after Sir 
Herbert has proposed the health of the Bride, it is to 
be my great privilege to propose that of one of the 
truest ornaments the English stage has known.” 
(Great enthusiasm.) 

This was not all by any means that Mr. Hollins was 
moved to say on this historic occasion. But you will 
be able to gather, doubtless, from the general tenor of 
the famous Manager’s remarks, that the Bride was quite 
within her rights in being moved to tears, and that the 
Bridegroom had warrant for the otherwise irrelevant 
observation, “ I wish the Mater had been here, old girl, 
that’s all.” 

And then in grim earnest the bowl began to flow ; en- 
thusiasm began to wax parlous ; and the wretched Bride- 
groom had to get up on his hind legs, feeling quite as 


190 


THE PRINCIPAL 1 GIRL 


uncertain about the knee-joints as this unfortunate quad- 
ruped of ours, and proceeded to apologize very sweetly 
and humbly to the profession for having robbed it of 
one of whom it had a right to be proud, and who was 
a thousand and one times too good, at a conservative 
estimate, for the chap who had brought her back from 
St. James’s, Wilton Place. And candor forces us to ad- 
mit that this idle, rich young fellow, who had made a 
good many enemies by his act of presumption, didn’t 
materially add to their number by the speech which 
he made, which, if not exactly that of an orator, was 
yet manly and sincere and unaffected and no discredit 
to the famous Twin Brethren who had nurtured his 
youth. 


CHAPTER XXi 


LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM 

The first fortnight of the honeymoon was spent in 
Paris. They looked at pictures and saw new plays, 
and went racing on Sunday, and walked in the gardens 
of Versailles, and did a hundred other cheerful things, 
and were most marvelously happy. And Mary, who 
hardly cared a bit about such matters, bought herself 
a new hat. 

They were tempted to go on to the Riviera, but duty 
prevailed and they went to Brighton on the fourteenth 
day. Grandmamma had gone to that famous physician 
on her twenty-sixth annual excursion; and Mary felt 
she must keep her eye upon her, for all that she was 
such a hale and vigorous old thing. 

Grandmamma was discovered in very nice lodgings 
along the sea-front, in the care of a landlady, very civil 
and voluble, and a mistress of the art of plain cooking. 
Everything very pleasant and comfortable, and a sit- 
ting-room with a balcony overlooking the King’s Pa- 
rade. It really seemed that the young couple might 
put in a fortnight very profitably here, while their 
191 


192 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


chosen residence in the metropolis was being painted 
throughout. 

They had their little adventures, of course, this happy 
pair, because Brighthelmstone is the home of so many 
romances. For one thing, they attracted attention 
when they walked abroad. Philip was sure that it was 
the hat from Paris ; Mary was absolutely convinced 
that it was the coat with the astrachan collar and the 
spats by Grant and Cockbum. But what really im- 
pressed the floating population of Brighthelmstone was 
the comeliness of both; the simple pleasure they de- 
rived from the society of each other; their abounding 
joy in being allowed to walk about this underrated 
planet. 

Had this natural history of nothing in particular the 
least pretensions to cynicism, which the world looks 
for in a modern romance, the happy pair would be dis- 
illusioned already. They should have been profoundly 
weary of one another by the fourth day in Paris, ac- 
cording to all the rules of the game. He should have 
discovered that she was shallow and half-educated, and 
consequently a bit of a bore when she brought the same 
face downstairs three mornings consecutively for cafe 
au lait. She should have discovered that he was selfish 
and vain, and that in his heart he didn’t think that 
Her belongings were equal to His, and that he saw 
already what a fool he had made of himself. And 


LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM 


193 


that being the case, she should have grown conscious 
of her own inferiority, and begun to hate him because 
she had done so, and wish herself back again on the 
boards. 

Moreover, had the Author really known his business, 
they should have quarrelled bitterly on the subject of 
Grandmamma. Who has heard of a newly-married 
pair giving up the Riviera and going to Brighton to 
look after an old lady of eighty-four with all her facul- 
ties? He should have been obdurate, and she should 
have shed tears of bitterness. He should have secretly 
cursed his gods for the blindness that had shackled 
him for the rest of his days; she should have had 
thoughts of the Seine, and have given them expression. 
He should have yielded when he should have stood firm ; 
she should have despised him for his weakness. They 
should have snarled at one another all the way to 
Brighton, and Grandmamma should have been very dis- 
agreeable when they got there, and not in the least need 
of their presence. But candor forces us to make full 
confession of our incompetence. Because none of these 
things came to pass. 

Very much the contrary, let us assure you. Their 
good looks and their air of general happiness were the 
envy of all people of observation along the sea-front. 
Still they had their adventures, and some at least 
will have to be recorded. 


194 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


One morning, as they proceeded almost arm-in-arm, 
but not quite, looking as though they had just bought 
the cosmos at five per cent, discount for cash, and were 
completely satisfied with the transaction, they walked 
right into a bath chair which was accompanied by a 
Sealskin Coat and a Himalayan Dust Spaniel. 

Salutations necessary, being right up against each 
other, so to speak. 

44 How d’ye do, Adela,” said the Culprit, who in his 
happiness seemed to have nothing to conceal and noth- 
ing to defend. 44 You know my wife, don’t you? ” 

The wind was certainly blowing very chilly from the 
northern heights this morning. ’Tis a little way it has 
in March at Brighthelmstone. 

Pa was not so bad as he might have been. 

46 Introdooce me,” said His Britannic Majesty’s for- 
mer Ambassador to Persia. 

So Pa was introduced to the Bride; and she after- 
wards told Hubby that he was like any other Pa, only 
a little more so. And, she being a girl of sense as 
well as of spirit, Pa didn’t seem to mind talking to her 
a little, particularly as she knew so much about rheu- 
matism, because it was Granny’s complaint. 

Had Lord Warlock tried the new treatment? 

No ; what was that? 

The new treatment called for explanation. Duly 


LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM 


195 


forthcoming with minuteness and lucidity. No ; not a 
designing minx, mesdames, altogether. Tact, cer- 
tainly; but it had its roots, remember, in a heart as 
sound as a bell, overflowing with practical sympathy 
for all the world and his wife. 

“ Grandmamma has a book about it, and a special ap- 
paratus. It has done her a power of good — a power of 
good. She will be delighted to lend them, I’m sure — 
that’s if you care, Lord Warlock. It’s a wonderful in- 
vention, and I’ll bring it round this afternoon, and show 
you how it works.” 

“ Thank yah,” said the Ex- Ambassador to Persia. 
“ And I’ll be devilish obliged.” 

Hubby, though, was not doing quite so well with the 
Sealskin Coat. Brighthelmstone so dull and tiresome, 
so cold, and hotels so unpleasant; and all the time the 
fair speaker announced these drawbacks she looked not 
so much at the young man who ought to have married 
her, but out of the corner of a cold blue eye at the per- 
son who was talking to Pa as though she knew all about 
his complaint. 

“ Thank yah,” said Pa, touching his hat, one of those 
hard, square felt ones whose ugliness nought can sur- 
pass, as the procession passed on. “ The Suffolk. 
Don’t forget.” 

A designing minx — madam, we do not agree. Mere 


196 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


tact, you know. And it was perfectly clear that her 
quick, spontaneous, practical sympathy had left its 
mark even on that unpromising subject. 

Not such a fool as I thought he was not to have 
taken this gal off my hands, reflected the Uncompro- 
mising Subject within the precints of his bath chair. 
And then, with the air of one who nurses an injury, 
he proceeded to inquire of the Seventh Unmarried 
Daughter — 

“ Well, Addie my gal, what do you think of the 
Mesalliance? ” 

“ One doesn’t profess to be a judge of chorus girls,” 
said the rude girl, jerking the unfortunate Himalayan 
Dust Spaniel right off his feet. 

Actually rude to her Pa, you see. Really, miss! 
But are you quite doing her Justice, young friend? 
says Mr. G-ls-w-thy. Do you think the girl has had 
fair play? because, frankly, I don’t. Born with a sil- 
ver spoon in her mouth ; every whim gratified ; never 
had a soul to cross or deny her; always able to go to 
the Stores and order what she wanted within reason; 
never rubbed her shoulders against life in its sterner as- 
pects like your more fortunate heroine; never changed 
an iota since she used to bully her nurse. Fact is, 
young friend, says Mr. G-lsw-thy, you can’t expect 
people who have had a plumb wicket to bat on all their 
born days to play as well as those who have been well 


LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM 


197 


schooled on more difficult pitches. Mind, I don’t say 
that Adela would ever have been as nice as your Mary, 
but I feel very strongly that under fairer conditions 
there is a great deal of good in the girl that must have 
reached the surface. 

Her manner would always have been a bit against 
her, of course, Pa not being over-rich for his position ; 
the eye would always have been a little contemptuous, 
since it was its nature to; but there were certain things 
in the girl that a hard, uphill, unprotected life in the 
great textile towns of England, Scotland, Ireland and 
Wales, a trip to Australia and South Africa, and a six 
months’ tour in the United States and Canada might 
have developed considerably. But, concludes the Sage, 
it would have remained a nice question whether she 
would have been as well fitted to be a Mayfair hostess, 
or to arrange a shooting party, or to ride in Leicester- 
shire, or to attend the gracious Consort of our Sover- 
eign, as she is at present. 

These alternatives are of a character that we are not 
competent to express an opinion upon ; but, at present, 
Mr. Philip seemed to be in no doubt as to the wisdom 
of his choice; and really that seems rather important, 
particularly as the young fellow overflowed with happi- 
ness as he walked along the King’s Parade, longing to 
take the arm of the nicest girl in Brighthelmstone into 
his keeping, and yet fearing to do so since it was rather 


198 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


advertising the fact that they had only been married a 
fortnight. 

64 1 say, kidlet ” — overpass the epithet, you Old Mar- 
ried People; you know you have once been as guilty 
yourselves — 44 you talked like a book to the Belted One, 
didn’t you, what? ” 

44 Yes, Phil-ipp, the poor old dear. The same com- 
plaint as Granny. I’m going to take him her ap- 
paratus and show him how to work it, and I’ve guaran- 
teed that he will be able to walk upstairs after he has 
used it a week.” 

44 Have you, though ? But how you dared, I’m blest 
if I know.” 

44 Cow-yard, Phil-ipp. He’s rather a dear, really.” 

44 A most disagreeable old gentleman, and the worst 
manners of any Privy Councillor in London.” 

44 A libel, Phil-ipp. I’m sure he’s not so bad as 
all that. Anyhow, if he is, I shall try and reform 
him.” 


CHAPTER XXI 


ADVENTURES RARE AND STRANGE 

It was opposite the Magnificent that they came upon 
adventure the second. Two gentlemen of somewhat in- 
formal aspect, one of whom was in need of a shave, and 
both of whose hats were light green, greeted Mary as 
if they were half afraid to do so, and yet didn’t like to 
pass her by. 

“ Thought perhaps you mightn’t remember us, 
Mary.” 

u Remember you, Horace! Could I ever forget you? 
And why, I declare it’s Johnny? ” 

And Mary shook hands with Horace and Johnny so 
simply and so cordially — for all that she had married 
a Toff — that they were obliged to confess that they 
were quite sure she couldn’t. 

The next moment Horace and Johnny were being 
introduced to the Toff ; with rather a display of wari- 
ness on their part, because provincial stars who have 
had to carve out their own destiny have not much use 
for the Breed, and they owed him a grudge as well for 
having robbed the profession of an idol. So when the 
199 


200 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Toff held out his hand and appeared pleased to meet 
them, it was not so certain that they were pleased to 
meet him. 

“Horace Allwright, Philip, the very first Pickles I 
ever played to — and the best.” 

“ Oh, go hon, John Willie,” said the Star of the 
North, blushing to the roots of his hair, which was red 
and, therefore, made his pleasure the more conspicuous. 
But he wasn’t going to stand any swank from Eton 
and Ch : Ch : ; and the rather fierce eye of this fine nat- 
ural comedian said so pretty distinctly. 

Mary was undefeated, though, and Johnny Dubosque 
not being so great a man as Horace Allwright, and 
consequently having less in the way of dignity to look 
after, was soon behaving as if nothing had happened. 

“ But I expect you’ll never come to the provinces 
again, Polly,” said Johnny Dubosque sadly. “ I said 
to Horace it was all up with us as soon as you got to 
the Lane. But you’ll be turning up the perfession al- 
together now.” 

Mary said it might be so, and Johnny Dubosque 
sighed deeply, and informed the Toff in a burst of con- 
fidence that her place could never be filled. And the 
Toff — for all that the Twin Brethren were not a little 
discomposed by hearing one who was not a fellow 
alumnus speak of the wife as Polly — apologized so 
nicely to the Perfession for having done what it had 


ADVENTURES 


201 

done, that J ohnny Dubosque, who had a generous heart, 
felt not a little inclined to forgive him, and Horace 
Allwright somewhat waived the question of his dig- 
nity. 

“ Come across to the Magnificent, old chap, and ’ave 
a drink,” said Horace Allwright in a sudden and over- 
whelming burst of hospitality. 

The Toff accepted the invitation, and for that act 
of grace, my lords and gentlemen, honor is due to the 
Twin Brethren, who as you do not require to be told, 
would have disbursed current coin of the realm to shirk 
this obvious duty. But it would never do to make an 
enemy of a friend of Mary’s. Therefore the Twin 
Brethren allowed themselves to be led across the road 
about as cheerfully as a lamb is led to the slaughter; 
and the grandees of the place stared very hard at the 
entrance of These Theatrical People; and the Twin 
Brethren devoutly hoped that no stray member of the 
Button Club was lying concealed among the ferns. 

Modest libations were ordered by Mr. Horace All- 
wright in a rather loud manner, with a lemon squash 
for Mary, although this was mere natural politeness on 
her part. 

“We shall not see her equal as Cinderella, not in our 
time, my lord,” said Mr. Horace Allwright in a very 
audible aside to the Toff, in order to keep in touch with 
the public. 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


202 


44 Of course you will, Horace, and many a better 
one,” said the Uncrowned Queen of Blackhampton, hav- 
ing with her ready tact and her quick observation de- 
tected the plight of the unhappy Twin Brethren who 
were blenching a little under their tan. 

Not so far off were a pair of Contemporaries, out of 
sight, perchance, yet by no means out of hearing. 

44 Why, if it isn’t that damned fool Shel, with his 
mesalliance ! ” 

44 No — yes — my God ! ” 

44 Rather nice, though, in spite of the friends of the 
family.” 

44 Let us go and pull the leg of the silly old fool, and 
make him turn out for us to-morrow.” 

Whereupon the Contemporaries rose from their table, 
very finely grown young men and superbly tailored, as 
all distinguished athletes should be. 

44 Why, Shel, old man, how are you? ” 

Hearty hand-grips were exchanged, although the 
Twin Brethren were not feeling so very robust at pres- 
ent. 

44 Fancy meeting you here! ” 

There was no particular reason why they shouldn’t 
meet there, but it is always a useful opening card. And 
then the Olympians were introduced to Mary, and pretty 
keenly did they scrutinize her, although they pretended 
so well that they were doing nothing of the sort that it 


ADVENTURES 


203 


would have taken a woman to have told what the sly 
dogs were at. 

And then Miss Mary trod very hard on the foot of 
Eton and Ch: Ch:, which begged pardon humbly and 
introduced Mr. Horace Allwright and Mr. Johnny Du- 
bosque, and piously hoped to its Maker that it hadn’t 
got mixed in their names. 

“ Pleased to meet you, gentlemen,” said Mr. Horace 
Allwright spaciously. “ ’Ave a drink.” 

The Olympians had had a drink already, but they 
had no objection to having another; and this accom- 
modating disposition caused Mary to take them into 
favor at once, and they were invited to sit down. 

66 ’Ere’s a health to the bride,” said Mr. Johnny 
Dubosque. 

“ Thank you, Johnny.” 

“ I was just a-tellin’ his lordship,” said Mr. Horace 
Allwright, “ that she was absolutely the finest Cinder- 
ella I’ve ever played to, and I’ve played to some of the 
first in my time, let me tell you. Good ’ealth, gentle- 
men.” 

And while Mr. Horace Allwright was happily en- 
gaged in pledging the health of the company, Mary 
proceeded to transfix the first Olympian with such a 
staunch, straight and demure gray eye that the heart 
of the famous athlete was literally pinned against the 
antimacassar of yellow plush upholstery which had 


204 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


been provided by the hotel for the use of its patrons. 

44 His lordship’s drawn a winner in the lottery, gen- 
tlemen,” continued Mr. Horace Allwright, and in this the 
first Olympian was strongly inclined to concur. 

44 Cut it out, Horace,” said the Uncrowned Queen of 
Blackhampton with a very arch glance at Johnny Du- 
bosque. 44 It isn’t cricket, is it, Johnny? in these fash- 
ionable watering-places. And I won’t have you pull 
the leg of my Phil-ipp by calling him my lord, when 
he’s promised me solemn to stand for Mr. Lloyd 
George.” 

44 You haven’t, Shel? ” quoth the Olympians, feeling 
it was up to them to say something, and that this was 
something they might say. 

44 Oh, but he has,” said the Uncrowned Queen, 44 and 
I should never have married him if he hadn’t — should I, 
Phil-ipp?” 

And she transfixed both the Olympians this time with 
that demure glance of tremendous impact. 

44 Oh, but I say, Mrs. Shel,” quoth the first Olympian, 
beginning to feel a glow within, 44 what about his Gov- 
ernor, you know? ” 

44 1 don’t know about his Governor, Mr. Wilbraham, 
because I’m not received in the Family at present.” 

And this time the glance came right home to the 
Twin Brethren, who at once began to feel like bucking 
up a little. 


ADVENTURES 


205 


“ But you are bound to be, Mrs. Shel, aren’t you? ” 
said Mr. Wilbraham with great Tact. 

“ Why am I bound to be? ” inquired the Uncrowned 
Queen, whose good gray eye had begun to play the 
dickens with the second Olympian. 

44 Oh, you are, you know. Isn’t she, Toddles? ” 

Toddles was strongly of opinion that she was. 

44 Well, of course, if you both really think that — ” 

But in the secret recesses of his nature, Toddles was 
even more strongly of opinion that if she persisted in 
looking at him in that way he would be bound to kiss 
her. 

46 Are you and Mr. Wilbraham any good at snooker? 
Yes, I can see it in your eyes. Well, Phil-ipp and 
Johnny and I will play the three of you for a sover- 
eign.” 

44 Done with you, Mrs. Shel,” said the Olympians 
with promptitude. 

And then Mrs. Shelmerdine looked very demurely 
at Horace Allwright, and imposed the condition that 
the stakes should be deposited with the marker, as her 
success in life was entirely due to the fact that she 
never trusted on principle a man who came from Leeds. 

46 But I come from Leeds myself,” said Toddles, who, 
of course, was none other than the popular Yorkshire 
cricketer when he had time to spare for the game. 

44 Why not?” 


206 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ Yes; why not? But how could you tell I came from 
Leeds, Mrs. Shelmerdine ? ” 

44 By your trousers.” 

Horace and Johnny roared long and loud at this 
brilliant sally. The natural insight of those famous 
comedians had taught them already that if Toddles had 
a weakness, it was an undue pride in his trousers, which 
of course the young man was quite entitled to have, 
since they were the work of Mr. F-ster of London and 
Oxford. 

44 Now, don’t let her pull your leg, old man,” said 
Philip, who, as usual a little behind in the uptake, had 
only just begun his roar. 44 She’ll rag the life out of 
you if you’ll let her.” 

Without further preface or apology, and adjournment 
was made to the billiard saloon, which was down a very 
long corridor. En route , Mr. Wilbraham, whose name 
in athletic circles was Weary William, because he was 
never in a hurry, confided to Toddles that she was every 
bit as nice off the stage as she was on it. 

To which Toddles, in whose cognomen a meaning has 
yet to be discovered, rejoined that 44 He was always a 
far-seein’ old swine.” 

Mary liked a light cue, and used it in a manner which 
did not suggest the novice. By what means she had 
gained her skill, it would be best, perhaps, not to in- 


ADVENTURES 


207 


quire. At least, it is hardly likely that Grandma had 
taught her. 

The Olympians also had misspent their youth a little, 
and Horace Allwright’s father had been a billiard- 
marker, so it was quite as well, perhaps, that Mary was 
so skillful, and that Philip was able to say he was a 
pupil of Mr. John Roberts, Junior. The master might 
not have been very proud of him, though, to judge by 
the way he started; but he improved as the game went 
on, and as Johnny Dubosque knew Stevenson to talk 
to, the game was quite worth looking at in the opinion 
of a somewhat saturnine-looking gentleman who sat in 
the corner drinking Schweppe’s ginger ale, and picking 
winners out of the Sportsman . 

The game was twenty-nine all, and there was only one 
ball left on the table, and that was “ a sitter 99 on the 
brink of the left-hand top pocket, which Mary, who 
had played amazingly w r ell all through, had left there 
to her unfeigned sorrow. It was all over, bar the 
shouting, when Toddles proceeded to deliver his cue, 
for it really was a shot that one who had used his youth 
as he had done ought not to have missed with his eyes 
shut. 

In the most unaccountable manner the famous center 
forward missed the shot with his eyes wide open, 
promptly apostrophized his Maker, and insisted in pay- 
ing the stakes. 


208 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ You did that a-purpose, Mr. Toddles,” said Mary 
sternly, “ and I scorn to take your money. I am not 
a suffragist yet, but that’s the kind of thing to make 
me one. Why, a woman can’t even have fair play at a 
game like snooker.” 

Followed a heated controversy. Mr. Toddles would 
not confess to his guilt, which was really so flagrant 
that Mary wondered how he dared deny the charge. 
Horace Allwright and Weary William lied circumstan- 
tially to support the misdemeanant, but Mary refused 
to accept the stakes, and in this we venture to think she 
was right. 

No, Toddles, young friend, it is not the way to pro- 
duce a race of sportswomen. Your intentions were of 
the highest, certainly, but your charming opponent had 
taken such degrees in the school of experience, although 
she was hardly twenty-four at present, that she didn’t 
even think it polite. 

There was only one method of composing the quarrel, 
and that was to play the match over again. And this 
time, it is sad to relate of three excellent sportsmen, 
good care was taken that there should be no doubt what- 
ever about the issue. 

“ And now you have taken us on at this game, Shel,” 
said the first Olympian, “ we shall expect you to turn 
out for us to-morrow against Brighton and Hove Al- 
bion.” 


ADVENTURES 


209 


“ But I haven’t kicked a ball for years.” 

u So much the worse for you. The match is for 
the benefit of the widow and young children of a good 
chap, and you were always a great draw for the pub- 
lic.” 

“ Was IP” said Mr. Philip apprehensively, for he 
read in the eyes of Mary that his doom was sealed. 

“ Were you, Phil-ipp ! Might never have kicked 
three goals against Scotland, mightn’t you? Why, of 
course you’ll play ; especially as it’s a benefit match.” 

“ But I haven’t kicked a ball for years and years, and 
I’ve got no gear either.” 

“ We’ll soon fix you up with some gear, won’t we, 
Mrs. Shel? ” said the exultant Olympians. 

“ Rather." 

Poor Philip protested bitterly ; but he knew, alas ! 
that he would have to bow to the inevitable. At a quar- 
ter-past three on the morrow, after an absence of four 
years, he was doomed to reappear in the ranks of the 
famous amateur team whom he had helped to make his- 
tory. 


CHAPTER XXII 


IN WHICH PHILIP RENEWS HIS YOUTH 

When Horace and Johnny resumed their walk along 
the King’s Parade, they felt at least two inches taller 
for having rubbed shoulders with the aristocracy. 
Everybody does, Sir, says Mr. Thackeray; and no one 
is a penny the worse for this national feeling, we ven- 
ture to hope, provided it is not carried to excess. Cer- 
tainly the girls of Brighthelmstone had a rare treat for 
the rest of the day, Johnny and Horace putting on won- 
derful “ side,” and setting their hats at an angle war- 
ranted to kill at sight. 

The Idol of the Profession ought never to have mar- 
ried a Toff. Still, they all did it if they had the chance, 
so you could hardly blame her. But the great thing 
was, she hadn’t changed at all. She was just the same 
honest pal as when she played at the Queen’s at Leeds. 
Her heart was still in the right place in spite of her 
elevation. It wasn’t always so, but it was in this case. 
She was one of the very best, and she had proved it that 
morning to five places of decimals recurring, by not 
being ashamed of old friends. 

Thus you see, my lords and gentlemen, in spite of 
210 


PHILIP RENEWS HIS YOUTH 211 


the fact that Horace and Johnny swaggered along the 
King’s Parade in a way that Eton and Oxford never 
do — do they ? — and that you would hardly have cared 
to accept their invitation to cross the road and ’ave a 
drink at the good old Magnificent — at least, not when 
the wife was with you — they were really modest men at 
heart, as most men are if they ever attain to reasonable 
eminence in their particular walk of life. 

“ Fancy you marrying a Toff ! ” Horace Allwright 
had whispered to Mary over his beer. 

“ Why shouldn’t one, pray? ” was the rejoinder of the 
future Lady Shelmerdine of Potterhanworth. 

“You are right — why not?” said Horace. “Be- 
cause, after all, you are a Toff yourself.” 

And in the middle of the King’s Parade the famous 
comedian reaffirmed the conviction. 

“ And he’s not a bad chap either, considerin’,” said 
Horace. “ Damn good snooker, anyhow, and the best 
inside right that ever kicked a ball, except Steve 
Bloomer, and we’ll go and see him play to-morrow.” 

“ What do you think ? ” said J ohnny Dubosque ex- 
pansively, laying siege to a nursemaid — and a pretty 
one, too, in a very smart bonnet. 

This is all quite trivial and doesn’t really help the 
narrative, but the point we wish to make is, that our 
friend Philip had not exactly wasted his morning, what- 
ever may be the views of parents and guardians upon 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


212 

the subject. This idle, rich young man, instead of 
alienating sympathy for his class, had added two re- 
cruits to the chosen band of its friends and admirers. 
He had behaved very well in difficult circumstances, 
and he had now two more friends spread over the w r orld 
than he had started out with in life. Consequently he 
had increased the public stock of human amenity, and we 
venture, therefore, to think that his morning had been 
very far from wasted. 

Mary also had done very well, having brought Mr. 
Philip out of his shell a bit. Quite an eventful morn- 
ing ; nothing to what the following afternoon would be, 
though, when he had to play v Brighton and Hove Al- 
bion for the benefit of the widow and young family of 
the late Joe McPherson. After the match at snooker, 
Philip was borne off in triumph to Brighthelmstone’s 
leading sports emporium to find a white flannel shirt 
about his size and a pair of dark-blue knickerbockers, 
and a very smart pair of stockings, and some shin- 
guards, and, most important of all, a pair of boots that 
would fit him. 

The morrow would be a great ordeal, particularly in 
a bran-new pair of boots, for a chap who had not 
kicked a ball for four years, but Mary was adamant, 
and the Olympians, too. A benefit match; a great 
draw for the public; do him all the good in the world. 

“ And we’ll have some special bills printed,” said 


PHILIP RENEWS HIS YOUTH 213 


Toddles with something suspiciously like a wink at the 
future Lady Shelmerdine of Potterhanworth. 

“ Oh, no, for God’s sake ! ” 

“ You shouldn’t have given it away, Mr. Toddles,” 
expostulated Mary. 

“ You won’t half get a licking to-morrow,” said the 
shop boy with broad satisfaction as he tied up the 
parcel. <fi The Albion’s playing its full league team.” 

“ But the Otympians are playing the team that won 
the Arthur Dunn Cup,” said the future Lady Shelmer- 
dine of Potterhanworth, with something suspiciously 
like a wink at Toddles, “ and if you’ve any sense, boy 
— and you ought to have lots with that high forehead — 
you won’t put your weekly sixpence on the Albion to- 
morrow.” 

Great things were promised for the morrow, but Mary 
put in some more useful work that afternoon. About 
four o’clock she carried round Granny’s apparatus, to- 
gether with the book of the words, to Pa at the Suf- 
folk. She was received by His Britannic Majesty’s Ex- 
Ambassador to Persia; had the honor of drinking tea 
with him; discussed rheumatism in general; showed the 
working of the apparatus, and even demonstrated it, not 
without symptoms of success; and in less than half an 
hour had made such an incursion upon the regard of 
this widower of ripe experience, that he was fain to 
inform the seventh unmarried daughter over dinner, 


214 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ that young Shelmerdine’s wife was a devilish sensible 
woman, and he hoped to see more of her.” 

Tact ; natural goodness of heart ; a sunny temper, and 
a practical disposition; these be great qualities, you 
young ladies of Newnham and Girton. The widower 
of ripe experience was a mighty shrewd judge of your 
kind, although a severe one, because he had not chosen 
so wisely as he might have done in the First Instance ; 
and in the Second Instance, had he chosen less wisely 
he might have been more comfortable; but he knew a 
good, sensible, sound-hearted young woman when he 
saw one, and he knew quite enough of her importance 
to the world not to undervalue her. Hence the “ chorus 
girl ” had already made a considerable incursion — 
and the pearl necklace and the simple black dinner-frock 
which had cost a hundred guineas, and the hair tres 
bien coiffes were a little cooler to Pa than usual, and 
nibbled more salted almonds than was good for ’em. 

The apparatus could do Pa no harm; Mr. Joseph 
O’Flatherty, his lordship’s valet, was strongly of that 
opinion, and said so to her ladyship’s maid, whose name 
was Adele, but had been changed to Lisette for obvious 
reasons. Whether the apparatus actually brought ma- 
terial benefit to Pa, we are not in a position to state 
positively; but there can be no doubt that, indirectly, 
the apparatus had a tonic effect upon Pa’s general sys- 
tem. 


PHILIP RENEWS HIS YOUTH 215 


The day of the match had now arrived, and that 
was such an important affair, being for the benefit of 
the widow and five young children of the late Joe Mc- 
Pherson, as honest a player as ever handled the ball 
when the referee wasn’t looking, that it will be neces- 
sary to supply some sort of an account of this historic 
function. 

It was a crowded and glorious day for Mary and 
Philip; and it really started pretty soon after break- 
fast, when those famous men, namely and to wit, Tod- 
dles and W. W., rang the bell of Granny’s lodgings 
and were ushered into the front sitting-room on the first 
floor. At the moment of their arrival Mary was trying 
over on the piano, which had several of its notes intact, 
although none of them in tune, the latest manifestation 
of the genius of Mr. Rubens. 

“ Please, don’t let us interrupt you,” said W. W., 
laying a suspicious-looking brown paper parcel on the 
table. 

Mary, however, took this for mere natural polite- 
ness. 

“ Oh, you’ve brought them, I see. Do let me 
look.” 

Now what was it, do you suppose, that she wanted to 
look at? Wait, if you please, until W. W. has cut 
the string of the parcel with a pocketknife that was 
given him by his Aunt Marian, contrary to the advice 


216 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


of his parents, about the time he wore his H. M. S. In- 
domitable . 

Five hundred handbills were in the parcel, printed 
by the Brighthelmstone Steam Printing Company, Ltd. 
Mary seized eagerly the one that was solemnly pre- 
sented to her by W. W., while Toddles, more demon- 
strative than he, grinned effusively from ear to ear. 

Mary read the following: 

GRAND FOOTBALL MATCH FOR THE BENE- 
FIT OF THE WIDOW AND FIVE CHILDREN 
OF THE LATE JOE McPHERSON. 

The Olympians v Brighton and Hove Albion. 

The Honorable Philip Shelmerdine has arrived in 

Brighton, and will positively reappear at inside 

right this afternoon at 3:15. 

“ 1 think that will about fix it, Mrs. Shel,” said W. 
W. proudly. “ We’ll have these distributed all over the 
place; and we’ve got some bigger ones, too, to go on 
the hoardings.” 

But Philip, who at that moment was taking his fox 
terrier for a short constitutional, had seen the hoardings 
already. Thus, when he came in about five minutes 
later, bloodshed nearly ensued. A feeble jest, undoubt- 
edly, but one of the penalties of athletic greatness. 


PHILIP RENEWS HIS YOUTH 217 


And when Mary insisted upon distributing with her own 
gloved hands these handbills to every passer-by along 
the King’s Parade, they came within hail of their first 
quarrel. To be sure, the majority of the recipients 
thought they were Votes for Women, and didn’t look 
at them, and those who did look at them treated them 
as of no importance, so it really didn’t matter; but poor 
Philip was made quite miserable — that is, almost mis- 
erable, since it was no longer possible for him to achieve 
that condition — and felt that it was really too bad 
of her to pull his leg in that way, for he was quite sure 
that she was the authoress of the plot. 

Perhaps it was. Still, the jest was very feeble and 
harmless, and only modesty in its most exaggerated 
form could have been wounded by it. Not a soul in 
Brighthelmstone took the announcement of the Honor- 
able Philip Shelmerdine’s arrival and positive reappear- 
ance that afternoon at all seriously. 

But stay!. In our chivalrous desire to excuse the 
Heroine, perhaps this statement is a little too general. 
There was one person, and just one person only, in 
Brighthelmstone who treated the handbill as a thing of 
consequence. 

Mary, distributing her handbills along the King’s 
Parade, assisted by her two companions in guilt and at 
least four other Olympians who had been specially 
coopted for the purpose, while Philip, with his hands 


218 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


in his pockets, was trying to look supremely uncon- 
scious of the fact that his leg was being pulled fright- 
fully, came upon a Bath Chair, a Sealskin Coat and a 
Himalayan Dust Spaniel. 

“ Are you feeling any benefit this morning, Lord 
Warlock? And please let me give you one of these. 
And you, Lady Adela, must take one, please. It is so 
important.” 

“ Thank yah,” said His Britannic Majesty’s Ex-Am- 
bassador to Persia. “ If it’s votes for women, I think 
they oughtn’t to have ’em, although, mind you — benefit 
for the widow and five children of the late Joe McPher- 
son — very praiseworthy object — shall be happy to 
subscribe a sovereign.” 

The Sealskin Coat, however, did not appear to look 
at the object in that Christian light. Having perused 
the handbill with an eye of cold disdain, Adela folded 
up the handbill neatly, and, without making any observa- 
tion upon the merits of the case, placed it in her muff. 
But as soon as she returned to the Suffolk, she addressed 
an envelope to the Lady Shelmerdine of Potterhanworth, 
88 Grosvenor Square, London, W., and therein enclosed, 
anonymously, of course, the announcement of the Hon- 
orable Philip’s arrival and reappearance. A rather 
feeble thing to have done really, and hardly worthy of 
mention, except that it shows what human nature can 
achieve in a moment of reaction. 


PHILIP RENEWS HIS YOUTH 219 


Philip was greeted effusively by the rest of his broth- 
ers in arms, who had now arrived at the Magnificent; 
and the Bride was introduced to them all. The report 
of her charms had been carried to them by Toddles and 
W. W., who were sealed of the tribe of her admirers 
already. And it had been agreed by the whole team 
that if she never did anything else, the fact that she 
had caused the finest inside right save one in the country 
to return to this important position after a lapse of 
four years, must ever count to her for grace. 

Poor Philip was in a rather nervous state when he 
drove on to the ground in a brake with his ten com- 
panions and with Mary on the box-seat. That enter- 
prising young woman had already elected herself to the 
important position of commander-in-chief of the famous 
team of amateurs, which contained no less than nine 
International players. But even this achievement was 
not exactly the fruit of self-assertion. She was one 
of those gifted people who instinctively, yet quite pleas- 
antly and unobtrusively, take charge of everything and 
everybody. Already persona gratissima at the Suffolk; 
already saluted by the most dignified constables in 
Brighton; on terms of intimacy with the master of the 
longest pier — she had taken the Olympians under her 
wing in the most comprehensive manner. 

The spectators came in their thousands because it 
was Saturday afternoon and the Albion were announced 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


220 

to play their full League team ; and the Olympians with 
their nine International players were ever a great at- 
traction. But4he start was delayed ten minutes, and a 
great concourse was kept waiting because Mary had 
brought her kodak. She took charge of the Albion as 
well as their opponents ; posing them for the camera, 
and appearing to know each of them by name, although 
she didn’t really ; but it was all done with the charm and 
the naive assurance that had made her so famous with 
the public. 

“ Beg pardon, ma’am,” said the Secretary and Man- 
ager ; “ don’t like to hurry you, but the crowd is getting 
a bit restive.” 

“ Oh, tell the band to play fi Rule Britannia,’ and it 
will be all right,” said Mary. 

And in this her judgment was perfectly sound. 

“ Now, boys, look your best,” said she. “ All smile, 
please. Just imagine you have knocked out the Villa, 
which, of course, you will next Saturday, because I’ve 
made up my mind that you are going to, and I’m a 
proper mascot, as they know in the North. Not too 
broad, Joe Pierce, because of the plate. Ve-ry nice — 
ve-ry nice in-deed. Thank you, boys; and just see if 
you don’t beat the Villa, although, of course, you are 
going to lose this afternoon.” 

So much for her handling of the democracy, which 
was brilliantly successful. The whole team were her 


PHILIP RENEWS HIS YOUTH 221 


humble servants to command, now that she had exer- 
cised her powers upon them. Her handling of the aris- 
tocracy — not that these idle class distinctions obtain 
upon the field of play — was equally happy. She was 
entirely responsible for the fact that the game began 
seventeen minutes late, but nobody seemed to mind par- 
ticularly, “ Rule Britannia ” having been twice re- 
peated. 

A very good game it was, and a keenly critical crowd 
was vastly entertained. The famous inside right had 
not been forgotten, although the public memory is 
short as a rule. At first, in his new boots, he had, 
like a certain Biblical hero, to walk delicately; but he 
soon began to improve, and presently got on better than 
he had expected. Although he had not played foot- 
ball for four years, he was in fairly hard condition, as 
he took pretty regular exercise of one sort or another. 
Still, the pace was so hot at first that he felt it would 
be bound to kill him. But when at last he had got his 
second wind, and beautiful slow-stealing passes began 
to come his way from the famous center forward with 
whom he had shared many a triumph, the old magic 
seemed somehow to return, he began to enjoy the pro- 
ceedings thoroughly, and so did the spectators. 

The Albion scored a good goal quite early in the 
game, but just before half-time the center forward made 
the scores equal. Then the band played again ; collect- 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


ing-boxes were sent round the ground for the benefit of 
the widow and young family of the late Joe McPher- 
son ; and Mary herself took charge of one of them, and, 
of course, her box got twice as much as anybody else’s, 
which was bound to be the case, since she looked so 
charming, and her way with the great British Public 
was very charming also. 

Who was the lady wearing the ribbon of the Olym- 
pians, who was getting sixpences and shillings for her 
box, while the others had to be content with pence for 
the most part? Who was the lady with that wonderful 
way with her, whose handsome face — and it really did 
look handsome just now, for all that it was so square 
and sensible — was so familiar on picture-postcards and 
in illustrated papers? 

The famous Miss Caspar from Drury Lane. No 
wonder her manner was so captivating. No wonder it 
was so pleasantly sure of itself, when all London had 
been times and again to watch her put on the Prince’s 
slipper, and the Honorable P. Shelmerdine, the son of 
a lord and in his day a very fine player, and doing very 
well this afternoon, had been lucky enough to marry 
her. 

Yes, the lady with the collecting-box was undoubt- 
edly lending rare distinction to the proceedings. Six- 
pences and shillings and even half-crowns were raining 


PHILIP RENEWS HIS YOUTH 223 

/s 

into her box from the reserved enclosure. The widow 
and young family of the late Joe McPherson would, un- 
doubtedly, gain very substantially from her efforts, as 
other deserving objects had done in the past and were 
likely to do in the future. 

The rakish green hats of Horace and Johnny were 
well to the fore, and the fact that Mary couldn’t pos- 
sibly miss them cost their owners half-a-crown apiece. 
And Horace Allwright, as he proudly disbursed this 
sum, remembered that in the near future a benefit per- 
formance was going to be given at the Royal Italian 
Opera House, Blackhampton, for one who had served 
the public long and faithfully, but who now had fallen 
upon evil days. 

<fi I say, Mary, old girl,” said Horace, “ that reminds 
me, we are giving a complimentary matinee at Black- 
hampton on Tuesday week for poor old Harry Merino 
— you remember poor old Harry — and you are such 
a great power in Blackhampton that I thought per- 
haps — ” 

“ Why, of course,” said Mary. " Half-a-crown, 
please, Horace. Yes, of course, put me down for c Ar- 
cadee ’ and 4 Nelson ’ and — now, do I ever forget? ” 

66 No, you don’t, old girl,” said Horace Allwright 
humbly, and Johnny Dubosque echoed him. 

“ That’s all right, then. And don’t say another 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


224 

word to the man at the wheel, because we are losing 
money. Thank you, sir, so much. A very good cause 
— poor old Joe was one of the best.” 

How she knew that poor old Joe was one of the best 
it would be difficult to say. But, at least, she seemed 
able to convince the reserved enclosure that the case 
of Joe’s widow and family was worthy of their charity, 
for when she delivered her box into the care of the sec- 
retary and manager soon after the game had re-started, 
that gentleman was astonished at the amount of money 
there was in it ; moreover, he rubbed his hands with sat- 
isfaction, and paid a sincere and richly merited compli- 
ment to the celebrated lady from the Lane. 

Mr. Philip in his new boots struggled manfully 
through the second half of the game, although there 
was precious little skin left on his toes by this time; 
and he wondered how he was going to live to the end, 
since there didn’t seem to be a breath left in him. But 
something of the old magic had come back. If he could 
only kick a goal for his side, he would feel that his life 
had not been lived in vain. 

As luck would have it, this desire was gratified. Still, 
this may not be altogether surprising, having regard 
to the fact that every movement of those mutilated toes 
engaged the sympathetic interest of a mascot mighty 
in the North, and in the South also, if it came to that. 
There were only about ten minutes to play ; the score 


PHILIP RENEWS HIS YOUTH 225 


was still one all, when another of those beautiful slow- 
stealing passes came from the center forward, and 
Philip, knowing that it was now or never, drew the bow 
at a venture in the inspired way he did in his prime. 
And somehow he happened to time his effort at the 
psychological instant, — just as a stalwart son of 
Caledonia knocked him right into the middle of next 
week. 

That is how the Albion came to lose the match. 
Yet the result didn’t matter really; very spirited and 
skillful play had been shown by both sides, there was 
nothing at stake, and a good cause had prospered. 
But Philip was the proudest and happiest man in 
Brighthelmstone as he staggered to the dressing-room 
with his poor feet, and knowing full well that he would 
hardly be able to walk for a fortnight. 


CHAPTER XXIII 


IN WHICH GRANDMAMMA RENEWS HERS 

When Philip and Mary returned to the King’s 
Parade with their inmost thoughts centered upon a 
dish of tea, a great surprise awaited them. The sit- 
ting-room overlooking the sea was in the occupation 
of no less a person than His Britannic Majesty’s Ex- 
Ambassador to Persia. He had come, it appeared, to 
thank Grandmamma personally for the loan of her ap- 
paratus, and to commemorate the amount of good it 
had already done the complaint from which they suf- 
fered in common. 

It happened that Grandmamma, like other old ladies 
who have moved in the world, could talk to a lord as 
well as most people if she happened to be in the humor. 
Well, she had had a pretty good nap ; the cap-with- 
the-Siddons’-lace was as straight as you please; and 
she had a distinct recollection of having met the Ex- 
Ambassador at Knebworth somewhere about the year 
1881. 

Long before Philip, accompanied by Mary, returned 
in his unconventional footballing costume, these two in- 
teresting persons were getting on like a house on fire. 

226 


GRANDMAMMA RENEWS HERS 227 


The past was reconstructed and repeopled ; the present 
was deplored, and, alas \ abused not a little. Mrs. 
Cathcart had known Mr. Gladstone, Mr. Disraeli — 
whom she couldn’t abide ! — Mr. Dickens, Mr. Thack- 
eray, Lord Tennyson, Mr. Bright, and Garibaldi. 
Comparisons are invidious, but where are the persons 
of that type nowadays? 

Lord Warlock entirely agreed with the goddaughter 
of Bean. Alas, the world had fallen upon evil days 
indeed ! 

“ But I think, ma’am, you have a devilish sensible 
granddaughter, if I may say so.” 

Grandmamma hoped her granddaughter was sensi- 
ble, although to her mind it seemed that she had not 
married very prudently. 

No brains, certainly, agreed my lord — speaking of 
the young chap, of course — but perhaps a young chap 
was just as well without ’em, provided his income was 
large enough to supply the deficiency. 

However, it was more a Question of Principle to the 
mind of Grandmamma. And a Question of Principle 
is, of course, a great matter. The stage and the peer- 
age had so little in common that they were best kept 
apart. Not, to be sure, that Grandmamma was blind 
to the worldly advantages, but then, to one who had 
played Lady Macbeth to John Peter Kendall, worldly 
advantages were not everything. 


228 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Mary and Philip undoubtedly interrupted an agree- 
able tete-a-tete. But the Ex-Ambassador shook hands 
with them both, and informed Mary once more how 
devilish obliged he was for the improvement that had 
already been wrought in his rheumatism. Mary was 
delighted to hear that, of course ; and she rang for more 
tea and ordered heaps of hot buttered cakes ; and Pa 
was so genial that this might never have been the crea- 
ture who had stolen a march on Adela. 

Mr. Philip, it must be admitted, was not very con- 
versational. Even in the most favorable circumstances 
he was a silent young man. But Mary could talk 
enough for two, or enough for twenty if it came to 
that, being one of those gifted young women who are 
never at a loss in any society. Yet she was tactful, of 
course, with this Grecian gift — yes, it is a Grecian 
gift, you young ladies of Newnham and Girton; and 
if you possess this valuable faculty to the degree that 
Mary did, be like her and never, never abuse it. 

The Tactful Young Madam hoped that Lord War- 
lock would excuse their unconventional attire. They 
had been playing football for the benefit of the widow 
and five young children of the late Joe McPherson, and 
ten thousand people had been present and quite a sub- 
stantial sum was likely to be raised, and if Lork War- 
lock would be so kind as to give her the sovereign he 
had promised her for the Fund she would have great 


GRANDMAMMA RENEWS HERS 229 


pleasure in forwarding it to the Treasurer, and she 
was sure the Treasurer would have equal pleasure in 
receiving it, because the Cause was so Deserving. 

Pa paid up there and then, like a fine old Irish 
gentleman and a sportsman to boot ; and Mary promised 
to send on the receipt as soon as she received it; and 
my lord said the receipt was of no consequence ; and 
Mary, with her square and sensible face, said a receipt 
was always of consequence ; not that she contradicted Pa 
at all rudely, you know, as we fear another young 
person has been knowm to do on occasion. 

She then explained that their side had won the match 
by two goals to one, and that the winning goal had 
been scored by Philip; and my lord remarked that a 
devilish good game was polo, and it was a great pity we 
had allowed the Cup to go to America, and we must 
send a good team and plenty of ponies and get it back 
again; in which the Siddons’-cap-of-real-lace concurred 
with great spirit, and affirmed her conviction that there 
had been negligence somewhere. 

66 Oh, we shall just muddle along until Uncle Jona- 
than annexes us, and then we shall begin to wake up 
a bit, I daresay.” 

And everybody laughed loudly, of course, at the 
caustic Ambassadorial Humor. 

But it wasn’t polo they had been playing, says lit- 
tle Miss Newnham, with her passion for exactitude. Of 


230 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


course it wasn’t, my dear. Then why didn’t Mary say 
so? Her Tact again, my dear. It always bores a 
real live ex-ambassador to have to stand corrected; 
and football is so plebeian that polo sounds nicer; and 
it really didn’t matter a straw, so there was no use in 
being tediously literal, was there? 

You don’t see the point of the argument, and you 
still think, my dear, it was Mary’s duty to make it 
clear that the game was football. Sorry not to agree 
with you , Miss Newnham; but we are sure we shall 
have the sanction of all parents and guardians when 
we lay down the axiom that it is a chief part of the 
whole duty of Woman never to bore an ambassador. 

Had Mary been tediously literal she would probably 
not have received an invitation to Hurlingham any 
afternoon she cared to come during the season, which 
she promptly accepted with becoming gratitude. And 
then, before the Ex- Ambassador could take up his hat 
and rise from the sofa, she had asked the important ques- 
tion, Could Lord Warlock be so very kind as to give 
her advice how to get Philip into Parliament? 

There was a question for you! Give her advice, 
mark you, young ladies. There was a great deal in 
that. The Ex- Ambassador fixed his monocle, of course, 
with a little pardonable magniloquence of bearing, like 
any other ex-ambassador would have done ; looked about 
as wise as you make ’em, and said in the sharp dry 


GRANDMAMMA RENEWS HERS 231 


manner that he had really copied from his father who 
had copied it from Mr. Rogers, although that was a 
secret that lay with him in his grave — and what did 
the Ex-Ambasasdor say? 

He said the best way to get into Parliament is to 
see that you keep out of it. 

How very deep and subtle; quite worthy of Mr. 
Punch at his best, say all parents and guardians. 

We can’t see the point of the reply, say the dread- 
fully literal young ladies of Newnham and Girton. 

Well, if you really can’t, my dears, it is not for 
us to attempt to explain it. 

Anyhow, that was the Ambassadorial reply; and real 
Tact — the genuine guaranteed article — in the per- 
son of Mistress Mary was delighted with this bril- 
liant mot; and the real lace of Siddons immensely 
admired its esprit , and said quite audibly to the crochet- 
work antimacassar 44 that it was worthy of dear Dicky 
Milnes ” ; and the Ex- Ambassador, still feeling quite 
comfortable on the sofa, in spite of the fact that the 
springs were broken and that the stuffing was distributed 
so unevenly, thought he might just as well stay an- 
other five minutes. 

There can be no doubt that the extension of the 
visit was entirely due to Mary’s tact. And now, young 
ladies, let us see the use that she made of it. 

44 If only there would be a vacancy at Blackhamp- 


232 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


ton I think I could get him in myself, because I really 
think I have got Blackhampton in my pocket.” 

“ A very right and proper place in which to keep 
a borough; it was in our time, Mrs. Cathcart, eh? ” 

The Siddons cap and the inheritor of the Rogers 
tradition had this delectable morsel all to themselves. 
The brain of Mary the Tactful was much too busy mar- 
shalling its battalions, and Mr. Philip was far too much 
interested in hot buttered tea-cake, which he had cer- 
tainly earned, to be able to follow the conversation 
except at a very respectful distance. Therefore the 
continued esprit of my lord was like to have gone un- 
honored save for Granny, who could have imagined 
Sydney Smith, etc. 

So, after all, it was really as much due to the Sid- 
dons cap that the five minutes grew into ten; and 
this further extension was rather important, since Mary 
was busy posing the mighty problem how could she get 
this absentee Irish landlord, who was bound by the na- 
ture of the case to be a Yandeleurite, to play the game 
of a perfectly ferocious Balsquithian. 

“ You see, Lord Warlock, I want my Philip to go 
into Parliament, but we don’t know anybody who has 
got any influence with Mr. Balsquith, because all our 
friends are on the other side.” 

A very nicely calculated candor, Miss Mary; well 


GRANDMAMMA RENEWS HERS 233 


might the Ex- Ambassador present a picture of amiable 
cynicism. 

“ Seems to me, then, you had better apply to the 
other party.” 

44 Oh, no, Lord Warlock. My Philip is nothing like 
clever enough to be a Vandeleurite.” 

Rather sacrificing her lord, though, wasn’t she, on 
the altar of high diplomacy? Not that Mr. Philip 
minded that particularly. Hot buttered tea-cake was 
of far more consequence than anything that had trans- 
pired up to the present. 

The Ex-Ambassador was constrained to feel that the 
ambitious young woman’s reasoning was sound. The 
young hussy then proceeded to draw her next card out 
of the pack, and it wasn’t a very bad one, either. 

44 You see, Lord Warlock, I am so keen for my 
Philip to go into politics, as I want people to say that 
the best day’s work he ever did was when he married 
me.” 

There was only one reply for an old diplomatist to 
make to this engaging candor. It is hardly necessary 
to say that no time was lost in making it. 

How did Mary, who is really too pushing to be quite 
nice, in my opinion, receive the obviously insincere 
compliment that was paid to her? says our little friend 
Miss Newnham. She didn’t say a word, my dear, but 


234 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


she blushed quite charmingly — at least, the Ex- Am- 
bassador thought she did — and then that absolutely 
direct glance of about two thousand candle-power came 
right at the noble earl, who proceeded to register on 
the tablets of his worldly wise old mind the following 
pearl of wisdom: No Wonder The Young Fools Marry 
’Em Nowadays. 

u So you want to get him into Parliament, do you 
— as a Rag? ” mused the old cynic. 

“ Dear Lord Warlock, if you would only give me 
a little advice, I am really so ignorant ! ” 

There was just room for two persons on the decrepit 
sofa that had the honor of holding my lord. Would 
it bear the weight of both of ’em? was another poser for 
Mary the Tactful. She would risk it, anyhow ; and so 
she sat down beside the Ex-Ambassador in a charmingly 
impulsive manner, and said, “ Dear Lord Warlock, do 
help me,” and very nearly slew one who had grown old 
in the world with her good gray eyes. 

It may almost be laid down as an axiom that ex- 
ambassadors are pretty deep as a rule. This one was 
certainly not an exception. Not only did his dark and 
self-contained appearance suggest considerable guile, 
but this picturesque impression was amply confirmed 
by the fascinating curves of his intellect. In fine, my 
lords and gentlemen, His Britannic Majesty’s Ex- Am- 


GRANDMAMMA RENEWS HERS 235 


bassador to Persia was a long way from being a 
fool. 

Therefore he made no immediate reply to Mary the 
Tactful. But the Pushful Young Hussy — as every 
young married woman should be, my dear Miss Newn- 
ham — knew perfectly well that she had given the fel- 
low-occupant of the sofa to think. As a matter of fact, 
the fellow-occupant thought considerable, and some- 
what to this tenor. 

I am not very pleased with Vandeleur just now. He 
as good as promised me that vacant Thistle, but he 
gave it to Blougram instead, who, of course, has not 
rendered one-tenth of my services to the Empire. 
Then this young fool is the eldest son of an old fool 
who takes himself far too seriously — an old fool who 
has jobbed his way into unmerited favor, and has done 
as much as anybody, outside the perfectly appalling 
Front Bench, to ruin the party. Well, I owe Vandeleur 
a grudge ; I can’t abide pompous mediocrity ; I’m feel- 
ing rather mischievous just now with this ill-tempered 
girl o’ mine left on my hands, when she ought to have 
been settled five years ago ; and if the successor to 
Van’s very last and very worst creation goes over lock, 
stock and barrel to the Rag, Tag and Bobtails, legs are 
going to be pulled pretty badly all round, eh? 

We hope the reasoning of the noble lord is clear to 


266 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


all parents and guardians. Certainly it is a little ad- 
vanced for the junior members of the congregation. 
We have done our humble best to make it as lucid as 
possible, but the mental processes of an Ex- Ambassador 
call for the very nicest skill on the part of our Pegasus, 
who was never a very agile beast, at his best, and age 
don’t improve him. 

Mary the Tactful waited quite a minute for the 
Fellow-Occupant to break the silence. And then 
into little pieces the silence was shattered. 

“ I don’t say I’ve any influence with Balsquith, but I 
might throw out a hint to Huffham and MacMurdo and 
the other Rag, Tag and Bobtail wire pullers that your 
man would like to stand for ’em, and a very able man, 
too.” 

Tactful Mary was breathless with gratitude. But 
not for a moment did her statesmanlike grasp desert 
her. 

“ Some large manufacturing town — Leeds or Bootle, 
or Sheffield, or Blackhampton, where they’d remember 
my Cinderella, and where I’ve presented medals, and 
where I’ve sung at concerts, when they’ve brought home 
T’Coop. If Free Trade and I can’t get him in in any 
of those places, where they know a Cinderella when they 
see one — ” 

The granddaughter of the goddaughter of Edward 
Bean burst into a peal of laughter. 


GRANDMAMMA RENEWS HERS, 237 


There was the grim light of Humor also in the am- 
bassadorial eye. 

“ Best thing you can do, Mrs. Shelmerdine,” said 
Worldly Wisdom, “ is to see that your young chap 
writes a nice sensible letter to Balsquith, stating his 
views clearly in as few words as he can; and in the 
meantime I’ll sow a few myself, and get Huff ham or 
MacMurdo to meet him at lunch at the Helicon ; and if 
at the next bye-election one Vandeleur don’t get his leg 
pulled, I’m better fitted to eat Thistles than to wear 
’em.” 

Even Mary the Tactful, whose knowledge of the 
world was so immense, hardly appreciated the full flavor 
of the latter remark ; but what she did appreciate, and 
quite keenly, too, was the enormous importance of those 
that had preceded it. 

She didn’t overdo her gratitude because ex-ambassa- 
dors are not at all partial to Fuss. She thanked my 
lord very simply and sincerely ; but she let the good 
gray eyes do most of the work, and very charmingly 
they did it. A very sensible girl, who will make a good 
w T ife for anybody, and I only wish that insolent wench 
of mine had got half her brains, thought the Ambas- 
sadorial One. Not that he said so to Mary the Tact- 
ful; although, strictly between ourselves, young ladies 
of Newnham and Girton, she wouldn’t have minded 
very much if he had. 


238 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Lord Warlock took his leave at last, having passed 
quite an agreeable hour, whereas he had but expected a 
formal perfunctory ten minutes. It had been indeed 
a pleasure to meet Mrs. Cathcart again ; and we have 
seen what an impression the granddaughter had made 
upon the old diplomatist. Yes, he assured the latter, 
a word in season should reach the chiefs of the Party. 
It was rash to make promises, but he hoped and be- 
lieved — particularly as the Rags were always on the 
look-out for young men of family in order to redress 
the balance a bit — Mr. Philip might find himself in 
the midst of a bye-election in the not distant future. 

This was imparted to Mary in strict confidence, while 
she conducted the visitor downstairs. And when the 
young minx had sped my lord over the doorstep with 
her picture-postcard smile, she came up the stairs again, 
two at a time, with the air of one who has really done 
something clever. 

“ And now, Phil-ipp,” said she, “ you must go at 
once and have a nice warm bath; and I will go to the 
chemist’s and get something for those poor feet.” 


CHAPTER XXIV 


IS OF A POLITICAL NATURE 

Granny’s fortnight at Brighton was so successful 
that it ran to a month. In the latter part of the period 
Philip and Mary paid several flying visits to the metrop- 
olis to see if the little flat in Knightsbridge was coming 
up to expectations. The furniture also had to be con- 
sidered, and a very pleasant occupation it was to collect 
the household gods. 

Everything in the new house delighted them; the 
color of the walls, the light in the pictures, the hang 
of the curtains, the disposition of the chairs. It was 
about the first week in April when they started house- 
keeping for themselves. They had found a very warm 
and cozy little nest, rather high up perhaps, yet a nest 
is none the worse for that as a rule. It overlooked the 
park in which the birds were building, and in which 
Philip, who had turned over an entirely new leaf, used 
to ride before breakfast. 

Mary’s first cross in her new life was that she couldn’t 
accompany him. But she had never been on a horse 
in her life; and she very much regretted now that this 
branch of her education had been neglected. They 
239 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


240 

must be pals in everything. Wherever he went and 
whatever he did, she must be at his side — that is, if he 
wanted her, and she was quite sure he did. 

As became a very practical-minded young woman, 
she soon came to grips with this important subject. It 
was one day after lunch, while the world was still seeming 
a truly magnificent place to be in, and life still ap- 
peared a truly noble and glorious invention. 

“ Phil-ipp, there is only one cloud so far.” 

“ What is it, old girl? ” 

“ I want to ride, Phil-ipp, and I don’t know how. I 
think I shall learn. Come with me and order a habit, 
although at a really economical shop, because I’m not 
earning no money and I’ve broken all my contracts and 
this is going to be a dreadful Expense.” 

Philip was delighted and praised her pluck; but, in 
strict confidence, young ladies of Newnham and Girton, 
she didn’t exactly overflow with that valuable com- 
modity when she made her debut a week later at the 
school. Her second and third appearances were hardly 
more inspiring; indeed, she had never felt so uncom- 
fortable, so nervous, so hopelessly incompetent in the 
whole course of a life which had been a brilliant success 
so far. But she stuck to her resolve with the whole- 
hearted determination that goes with her type of coun- 
tenance; and ere long virtue began to reap its reward. 

It was a very proud moment when, after several 


OF A POLITICAL NATURE 


241 


weeks of travail, she ventured forth into the Row with 
her Philip, about a quarter-past eight of a summer’s 
morning. Philip felt awfully proud of her, for, mak- 
ing due allowance for a little inward trepidation which 
was uncommonly well concealed, she really did very well 
indeed. She vowed, moreover, though in no spirit of 
vainglory, that she meant soon to do much better. 

Friends of the Family had shaken their heads, and 
were shaking them still, over the Unfortunate Occur- 
rence, but at present the glamour had shown no signs 
of wearing thin. Mary had definitely retired from the 
theater, except for the promised appearance at Harry 
Merino’s benefit, which had yet to take place, but in the 
most whole-hearted way she was devoting herself to 
Philip and his interests. It was her ambition tc to be 
a pal in everything.” The sitting of a horse was only 
one instance of her determination to live up to her 
ideal. 

An Ex- Ambassador had asked her to call in Mount 
Street. No time was lost in taking him at his word. 
Moreover, she chose a day and hour when the old diplo- 
matist was accessible. And her recent study of the art 
of equitation came in uncommonly useful, inasmuch that 
without much difficulty she contrived “ to keep him up 
to the bit.” That is to say, about ten days after her 
visit Philip received an invitation to lunch at the Heli- 
con, to meet a chief wire-puller of the party to which the 


242 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Ex- Ambassador did not belong. It is not every young 
married woman of limited social experience who would 
have been able to manage it. 

To be quite candid, Sir Joseph Huffham, Bart., M. 
P., was not exactly overpowered by the sense of Mr. 
Philip’s ability. To that shrewd and stem judge of 
mankind, the son and heir of that old fool Shelmerdine 
was very much what one would have expected him to 
be. Except that he was not pompous. On the con- 
trary, there was a most agreeable modesty about the 
young chap. It was evidently sincere, and as such was 
entitled to respect. As far as promise was concerned, 
though there was doubtless: a good deal of it — a 
worldly-wise man had said so — whatever he might at- 
tain to in the way of performance would be in the dis- 
tant future. 

What had Warlock in his mind? was really the ques- 
tion of questions for Sir Joseph Huffham, Bart., M. P. 
What Machiavellian subtlety lurked in the bringing for- 
ward of this very dark horse for the purpose of helping 
a party in which Warlock was not interested? What 
private axe had he to grind? To be sure, there was that 
little business of the vacant Thistle, which all the world 
and his wife had smiled over. Then there was also the 
fact that this not particularly bright young man had 
disappointed the expectations of two families. What 


OF A POLITICAL NATURE 


24,8 


game was the old Jesuit playing? was the question that 
Sir Joseph felt constrained to ask. 

Sir Joseph found the question by no means easy to 
answer, and we must confess that we share his difficulty. 
It would be idle, my lords and gentlemen, for us to 
pretend to illuminate the official prescience. But can- 
didly, we feel that the question might have been ad- 
dressed to young Mrs. Philip without impropriety, al- 
though, of course, Sir Joseph could not be expected to 
know that, and he would have thought it ridiculous had 
anyone ventured to make the suggestion. Things don’t 
happen in that way, he would have said. 

Maybe, Sir Joseph; yet perchance in that case you 
would have affirmed but half a truth. It takes a pretty 
bold man these days to say exactly how things do hap- 
pen, Monsieur Bergson seems to think. 

Still, Sir Joseph certainly thought it was piquant that 
the son of S. of P. should desire to help the Party. 
His qualifications for public life appeared to be rather 
obscure, but being the eldest son of his father he was 
not without a face value for the enemy. 

“ And so, Mr. Shelmerdine,” said the illustrious man, 
smiling over the club claret, “ you think, with your 
wife’s assistance, you might be able to win a seat like 
South-West Blackhampton for the party of prog- 
ress.” 


244 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ My wife is sure she could win it for me,” was the 
answer of Philip. 

It was not, perhaps, the answer to be expected from 
a champion of the democracy ; and the illustrious man 
looked rather quizzically across the table at his host. 
Were he and his party going to have their legs pulled 
in company with Van and the other side? Never trust 
an Irishman on principle, was one of Sir Joseph’s ax- 
ioms; and in this case he rather felt like living up 
to it. 

All the same, the exigencies of the situation called 
for a man somewhat out of the ordinary for South- 
West Blackhampton. At present that large and im- 
portant industrial constituency was represented by a 
man of independent mind who owed allegiance to none. 
The power of his personality had carried him to the 
top of the poll in a three-cornered contest, in spite of 
the fact that he had an official Rag and an official 
Wagger, able men both, against him. 

Good, sound, conventional candidates had failed 
against this Rawhead and Bloodybones. It was just 
possible that the husband of a favorite actress, and a 
famous footballer to boot, might be successful where 
his betters might fail. That, at least, was the local 
opinion. 

“ I presume, Mr. Shelmerdine,” said Sir Joseph Huff- 
ham, “ in the event of your being adopted as a candi- 


OF A POLITICAL NATURE 


245 


date for South-West Blackhampton, you would have no 
objection to signing a — er — •” Sir Joseph paused 
while he took a type-written document from his pocket- 
book and adjusted his pince-nez — “ a football league 
form for the Blackhampton Rovers ? ” 

Mr. Shelmerdine was quite prepared to do that. 

“ And of playing for them occasionally, I presume, if 
your services were called upon?” 

Mr. Shelmerdine had no objection to doing that, 
either, although he was rather short of practice these 
days. 

“ I am informed, Mr. Shelmerdine, that you kicked 
three goals against Scotland in an International match.” 

With excellent modesty the young man admitted this 
impeachment. 

“ Well, I think I am entitled to say, Mr. Shelmer- 
dine,” said Sir Joseph, who was himself a pretty shrewd 
Lancastrian, “ if you can kick three goals against Liver- 
pool or Manchester City in an important League match, 
you are very likely to be returned at the top of the 
poll.” 

Very simply and seriously, and quite sincerely, Mr. 
Shelmerdine promised to do his best in this matter, 
and that when the time came, if South-West Black- 
hampton did him the honor of adopting him as their 
candidate, he would go into strict training for the pur- 


pose. 


246 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Sir Joseph had the reputation of being the possessor 
of a sense of humor, and the Ex-Ambassador had a few 
ideas also upon that recondite subject; but each of these 
gentlemen smiled very warily at the other, as though 
he was not quite certain whether it would be safe in 
the circumstances to allow his mobile fancy to play 
around that which had rather the appearance of a jest 
on the surface. Had they not mistrusted one another 
so sorely, they might have been tempted to do so; but 
the odd thing was that the prospective candidate for 
South-West Blackhampton respected their bona fides 
so immensely that he remained a perfect image of 
gravity. 

“ I will do my best, sir, to kick three goals against 
Liverpool or Manchester City,” said the young man as 
he shook hands and took his leave. 

“ Then I think you may be returned to Parliament,” 
said the shrewd Lancastrian cordially ; “ that is, if you 
never hold a meeting without having your wife on the 
platform; and you let her do most of the talking, you 
know.” 

It was frankness, certainly, on the part of Sir Joseph 
Huffham, Bart., M. P. ; but that illustrious man owed 
much of his eminence to the fact that he had a pretty 
sound working knowledge of things in general. 

“ I will certainly do that, sir,” said the young man. 

Whereupon he thanked Sir Joseph and the Ex-Am- 


OF A POLITICAL NATURE 


247 


bassador with great sincerity, and went his way along 
Pall Mall; and as he did this he was just the happiest 
young man in all the great Metropolis* It was a gen- 
uine inspiration that Mary should make the speeches. 
He would attend to the goal-kicking department all 
right. He would go into strict training, knock off 
tobacco, lead the life of an anchorite. And when 
he found himself in Parliament as a full-blown Rag, 
he would be able to say that she had done it all. 

Hitherto Mr. Philip had not been encumbered with 
anything so superfluous as political convictions. He 
had known in a dim kind of way that the friends of 
his youth had been Waggers. Without the Waggers, 
he had always been given to understand there would 
have been no turn-up with the Boers in South Africa. 
He had borne a humble part in that little affair, along 
with the rest of his friends; and the best he could say 
for it was that he had found it rather an overrated 
amusement. But without the Waggers, so he under- 
stood, there would not have been fair play for every- 
body. 

However, this was the only good thing he knew about 
the Waggers. His father was a Wagger, of course, 
like everybody else’s father was; but if you have quar- 
relled with your father, there is all the less reason to 
stick to the same school of political thought. But 
Mary it was who had really converted him, and had made 


248 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


him go into Parliament. She declared herself to be 
an absolutely ferocious Rag-Tag-and-Bobtail, and that, 
of course, in the present state of the domestic firma- 
ment, was quite enough for Mr. Philip. 

The Rags, as Mary expounded their faith, were the 
party of Progress and the friends of the People. 
And now that he was enlisted in their ranks, he felt it 
behoved him to live up to their exalted principles. 
Therefore he gave a shilling to the crossing-sweeper at 
the bottom of Saint James’s Street, and, like a true 
democrat, proceeded on foot to the little nest in Knights- 
bridge, instead of going like the son of a lord in a 
taxi. 

Mary was buried in a delightfully comfortable chair 
with her toes on the fender. She was also reading a 
novel ; and out of our love for her we must really with- 
hold the name of the author. 

. . . No, young ladies of Newnham and Girton, 

the name of the author was not Monsieur Anatole 
France. 

“ I’ve done it, old girl,” said Mr. Philip, bursting in 
upon her and saluting her, of course, in the manner 
ordained by custom for newly-married people. “ 1 
really think they are going to take me on.” 

Strictly speaking, young man, you had not done 
it. It was Mary who had done all the doing so far; 


OF A POLITICAL NATURE 


249 


although, of course, you could hardly be expected to 
realize that. 

64 Oh, how splendid ! ” 

44 Yes, old girl ; and old Sir Joseph Thingamy — 
nice old boy — says you are to attend all the meet- 
ings and make most of the speeches, and I’m to sign a 
League form for Blackhampton Rovers and kick three 
goals against Liverpool, and everything will be as right 
as rain.” 

44 Why, of course it will, Phil-ipp, when I’ve got dear 
old Blackhampton in my pocket.” 

And Mary flung away her novel, and rose with the 
light of battle in her eye in order to confirm this star- 
tling announcement. 

A general election was expected in October. The 
head office said things must be put in train at once. 
Communications had, of course, to pass between the 
constituency and Westminster, but within a month Mr. 
Philip had received an invitation from the Chief Tribes- 
men of South-West Blackhampton to come forth and 
make the acquaintance with his views. 

Then it was that Mr. Philip found himself in a bit 
of a funk. The fact was that he hadn’t any views — 
at least, any views to speak about. Party of progress ; 
government of the People, by the People, for the Peo- 
ple ; greatest good of the greatest number, and so forth. 


250 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL' 


That was all he knew, and you couldn’t very well make 
a speech out of that, could you? 

With this, however, Mary didn’t quite agree. She 
seemed to think you could. She had been reading up 
the subject lately. Therefore she sat down at once, 
pen in hand, and began to collect her ideas upon the 
subject. 

In common with other ready-witted people, she had 
the useful faculty of being fluent on paper. By lunch- 
time she had covered ten pages of foolscap, writing on 
one side of the paper only; and after lunch, when over 
the cigarettes and coffee she read the result of her 
labors aloud to the future member for South-West 
Blackhampton, the young man found it hard to repress 
his enthusiasm. 

“ I shall have ’em absolutely stiff,” said he ; “ that is, 
if I can only remember it all. But I say, old girl, what 
if they begin to ask questions ? ” 

<c Tell them, Phil-ipp, that you believe in Mr. Bal- 
squith; and that anything he votes for you’ll vote for, 
because you know that he can’t go wrong.” 

“ Yes, that’s all right, old girl, but a chap is ex- 
pected to have a bit of a mind of his own, ain’t he? ” 

64 Dear, no — pray why should he have? ” And this 
worldly wise young wife started on cigarette the sec- 
ond, we are rather sorry to say, because one should suf- 


OF A POLITICAL NATURE 


251 


fice after lunch even for a young married woman. Still, 
the circumstances were exceptional. 

“ Trust Mr. Balsquith, and South-West Blackhamp- 
ton will trust you. Now start learning your speech, like 
a good boy; and you must repeat it to me word for 
word every morning from memory, so that you’ll be all 
right on the night and absolutely word perfect.” 

As an instance of Providence in one of its less atra- 
bilious humors, it befell that Philip was invited to meet 
the local committee in the evening following the one in 
which Mary was to appear at the Royal Italian Opera 
House for the benefit of Harry Merino. Thus they 
were able to stay together at the best hotel in Black- 
hampton, and to feel that they were killing, as it were, 
two birds with a single stone. 

It was perfectly true that at Blackhampton the name 
of Mary Caspar ranked high with the population. It 
was in the largest type on every hoarding; her por- 
trait appeared in the window of every other shop; her 
wonderful smile that wouldn’t come off was to be seen 
on countless picture-postcards; an illustrated interview 
with the general favorite was printed in the Black- 
hampton Courier, 

When she walked down Market Street to do a little 
shopping on the afternoon of her arrival in the borough, 
she caused almost as much commotion as if she had 


252 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


been Royalty itself. And in the opinion of her escort, 
a very nice-looking, well-grown and well-groomed young 
man in white spats and a blue suiting, the last word in 
neatness, and a bowler hat, of course the last word of 
fashion, she was indeed the Queen of Blackhampton. 
Moreover, a large percentage of the passers-by con- 
curred with the nice-looking young man in so thinking. 

Yes, she was the acknowledged Queen of Blackhamp- 
ton; in the eyes of the passers-by the fact was stated. 
It was perfectly true that she had got this constituency 
in her pocket; and Blackhampton, although hardly 
aware of the fact, was mightily proud to be there. 

They came in their thousands to welcome her back 
to that sphere of life she ought never to have deserted. 
Their reception almost brought tears to her eyes, it 
was so spontaneous, so hearty, and so genuine. The 
Royal Italian Opera House could have been filled ten 
times over ; not, of course, that this was due to Mary 
alone. Other stars were giving their services; and 
Harry Merino, upon whom evil times had fallen, was 
as good a comedian as ever colored his nose and de- 
lighted the world with irresistible natural humor. 

It was at the Royal at Blackhampton that she had 
really begun her great career. Blackhampton had been 
the making of her, said Mr. Byles, the famous Lessee 
and Manager of the Royal, and that great man was 
accustomed to deal with hard facts. Blackhampton 


OF A POLITICAL NATURE 


253 


believed it, anyway; and Mary believed it also. At 
least, she confessed as much to Mr. Byles, while the 
chest of the lessee grew so large that it seemed that his 
watch-chain of twenty-two carat gold must really break 
from its moorings. 

“ Polly, my gal, I’m proud o’ you ! ” — there was deep 
emotion in the manly voice of the Lessee and Manager ; 
and if “ the Young Pup ” had not been present, it is 
most likely that Mr. Byles would have hugged the future 
peeress publicly. 

Yes, they were very hearty, genuine people at Black- 
hampton. The Principal Girl of three Royal panto- 
mimes was to them an imperishable memory. In the 
divine order of womanhood the Queen of England ranked 
first in their estimation ; Mary Caspar ranked second ; 
and the third place was reserved for the Duchess of 
Dumbarton, although local opinion was rather averse 
from the peerage merely as such. 

It was probable that one such as Mr. Philip would 
find a difficult row to hoe in Blackhampton. They 
hadn’t much use for frills as a general thing. If the 
young man was going to stand for Blackhampton, it 
was by no means clear that those white spats were not 
an error of judgment. But the general opinion was 
that even a future hereditary legislator might be re- 
turned for Blackhampton if he happened to be Mary 
Casper’s husband, and that he signed a league form 


254 THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 

for the Rovers, and kicked a few goals against Aston 
Villa. 

He was a nice-looking young gentleman certainly, 
said feminine Blackhampton ; a little too fine for the 
district, perhaps, and yet they were by no means sure 
of that. Good looks, a good tailor and easy, natural 
manners tell even at Blackhampton among the ladies; 
and even there, as in more sophisticated places, public 
opinion is susceptible to their judgments. 

Alderman Slocock, J. P., the leading Rag statesman 
for twenty miles around, presided at the meeting of 
the executive committee at the Gladstone Club. The 
proceedings were of a strictly private character; ladies 
were not admitted; Mary could not be present; and in 
consequence The Pup longed for his coffin even before 
the proceedings started. 

Alderman Slocock made a very long speech from the 
chair. The prospective candidate would be given every 
opportunity to express his views at length; but before 
coming to that part of the programme, Alderman Slo- 
cock, a master-hairdresser, with no fewer than twenty- 
four shops spread over the district, spoke for nearly an 
hour. 

It was not a very opportune beginning, since the 
longer the master-hairdresser went on, the more intense 
grew Mr. Philip’s desire for a speedy burial; more- 
over, the other members of the committee were growing 


OF A POLITICAL NATURE 


255 


decidedly restless. But at last came the fateful mo- 
ment when the Candidate was called upon to express 
his views; and then arose the question for gods and 
men, would the Candidate be able to remember them? 

For three solid weeks, every morning and every 
night, from memory had he repeated to Mary his 
speech. There must be no doubt as to his ability to 
cope with this great ordeal. When he entered the Glad- 
stone Club he would have wagered that he was absolutely 
word perfect ; but as soon as he got on his legs he was 
paralyzed with the knowledge that he couldn’t remember 
a syllable. 

To begin with, his throat was so terribly dry that he 
was bound to have recourse to a liquid aid to eloquence 
before he “ could come to the horses.” But there were 
broad-minded men and advanced thinkers on the Exec- 
utive Committee who rather approved this weakness 
because it showed that the Candidate was human 
like themselves, and they thought none the worse of 
him for it. On the other hand, there were represent- 
atives of Little Bethel in this august assembly who 
deplored the Candidate’s early recourse to whisky and 
water. 

Mr. Chairman and Gentlemen, began the wretched 
Philip, in a thin, small voice. Oh, joy! at the instance 
of those familiar words the speech suddenly began 
to flow automatically into his mind. Members of the 


256 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Gladstone Club, Electors of Blackhampton — the cun- 
ning young minx had said that this style of address 
was bound to sound well in the ears of the Committee — 
I have followed with the closest attention and I may 
say with deep admiration, the speech from Alderman 
Slocock to which we have just had the pleasure of lis- 
tening. I cannot understand how it is, gentlemen, that 
having a man like Alderman Slocock in your midst, 
you should go outside your fine old city, of which I am 
sure you must be awfully proud, to look for a man 
worthy to represent it in Parliament. (Loud applause 
which bucked up the candidate considerably.) 

Let us pay no idle compliment to the authoress of 
the speech, but we are by no means clear that the young 
madam did not know more about the rules of the game 
than augurs well for the peace of mind of the coming 
generation which may have to cope with her sex on the 
green benches. 

Certainly this felicitous opening seemed to put the 
candidate on good terms with his audience. Things 
began to go very well. The voice was good ; the man- 
ner, of course, what you would expect from the Twin 
Brethren; the matter was sound so far as it went, and 
very wisely it did not go further than amiable general- 
ities. He was the son of a lord undoubtedly, but it 
was clear that he was much above the average of his 
class. 


OF A POLITICAL NATURE 


257 


The end of his ordeal was not yet, however. Aider- 
man Slocock had a few questions to ask. 

Would the Candidate be good enough to enlighten the 
Committee as to the nature of his views upon the subject 
of Free Trade? 

Sir, I shall be most happy, said the Candidate, smil- 
ing graciously. Gentlemen, my views on the subject of 
Free Trade are those of Mr. Balsquith, and it is a mat- 
ter upon which I trust his judgment implicitly. 

The Committee was much gratified by this states- 
manlike reply. 

And the question of the House of Lords? said Aider- 
man Slocock. The Committee would be happy to have 
the Candidate’s views upon that vexed subject. 

The views of the Candidate in respect of the House 
of Lords were those of Mr. Balsquith; that also was 
a subject upon which he trusted Mr. Balsquith’s judg- 
ment implicitly. 

This answer was equally successful; and as it did 
duty for all the questions that followed, the Candidate 
was guilty of nothing that was likely to efface the 
highly favorable effect he had already created. There- 
fore he was able to return to the best hotel in Black- 
hampton reasonably secure in the conviction that he 
was about to be chosen as the official representative of 
the Rags. 

Of course he would be, he was promptly informed by 


258 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Mary, who was sitting up for him, if he had remem- 
bered his words. 

“ Fact is, old girl,” confided Mr. Philip, “ I knew 
I’d got ’em fixed up before I’d got half through my 
bally speech.” 

“ Why, of course, Phil-ipp, you were bound to have.” 

And she was far too good a sportswoman to remind 
the vainglorious orator that it was not his speech at 
all. But don’t let us praise her too much. For the 
simple fact was that it pleased her mightily to think 
that it really was his speech that had carried the day, 
and that she had nothing whatever to do with it. More- 
over, she was perfectly willing for him to believe that 
it was his speech ; and certainly, so high had success 
lifted her lord just now that it didn’t really seem very 
difficult for him to do so. And for our own poor 
part, we have never been able to determine which phe- 
nomenon is the more curious : whether Man should plume 
himself beyond his deserts at the expense of Woman 
or whether Woman should derive a keen pleasure from 
aiding and abetting him in the deception. 

Howbeit, so deep was the impression that Mr. Philip 
Shelmerdine’s signal ability, in combination with his 
air of manly sincerity and straightforwardness, made 
upon the Committee, that no time was lost in inviting 
him to stand as a Rag, Tag and Bobtail for South- 
West Blackhampton. 


CHAPTER XXV 


IS VICTORIAN IN THE BEST SENSE 

In Grosvenor Square, at this period, rose-color was 
not the prevailing hue. The Proconsul had declined to 
attend the wedding. Moreover, he had given Mr. 
Philip clearly to understand that Mrs. Philip would not 
be persona gratissima in Grosvenor Square. The atti- 
tude was perfectly “ regular 99 in the circumstances ; all 
the same, it hardly increased the common stock of 
human amenity. And he was quite an affectionate fa- 
ther, even if a somewhat despotic one, which, after all, 
is not an unexpected trait in a middle-aged gentleman 
who has made a great success of the art of governing 
others. 

The attitude of the Proconsul is hardly one to com- 
mend to parents and guardians in general. And un- 
fortunately Mother upheld the Proconsul in his fro- 
wardness. She, too, as had so many Colthursts of Suf- 
folk before her, formed the fatal habit of governing 
others. And she, too, having been thwarted in a pet 
design, and moreover, having had to submit to a pretty 
shrewd buffet from the venerable relative of The Person, 
was inclined to behave with unwisdom. 

259 


260 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


It is a great pity that Grosvenor Square has to be 
shown in this light. Both Father and Mother ought 
really to have known so very much better. It was really 
very wrong ; and they made themselves rather miserable 
into the bargain. 

Mother thought Father ought to have been firmer. 
Father thought that Mother ought to have kept clear 
of Bedford Gardens, and all would have been well. 
Mother thought that Father’s handling of the whole 
matter was hardly worthy of a Proconsul. Father 
was grieved that Agatha should talk in that way, since 
it would be idle to pretend that she had shown her usual 
Tact. 

Nevertheless, there was one aspect of the affair that 
really astonished both of them immensely. It was the 
attitude taken up by a much-injured man and a thwarted 
father-in-law when they ventured to condole with him, 
and perhaps incidentally to obtain a little balm for 
their own wounded feelings. 

Father and Mother were frankly amazed that their 
standpoint had to forego the sanction of His Britannic 
Majesty’s Ambassador to Persia. 

“ Fact is, Shelmerdine,” said my lord, “ the young 
fool has done a dashed sight better for himself than by 
marrying this girl of mine.” 

Mother was amazed at such levity proceeding from 
such a quarter; and rather pointedly she said so. 


VICTORIAN IN THE BEST SENSE 261 


“We must look facts in the face,” said my lord 
robustly. “ She is an uncommonly able young woman, 
and one of these days you’ll remember that I’ve said 
so.” 

“ I don’t think I like ability in women,” said 
Mother. 

Oh, Mother! And you, by common consent, one of 
the ablest women in Grosvenor Square and its environs. 

“ It’s a useful thing to keep in the house, though,” 
said the Ex- Ambassador. 

Still, Mother was not in the least resigned to what 
she considered an exhibition of cynicism. 

“ One is really surprised at you , Lord Warlock — 
you who know the world so well.” 

And yet it would be hardly safe to assume that 
Mother was w r holly sincere in her admonition of this 
elderly diplomatist. She didn’t subscribe to his ignoble 
point of view ; she never could and never w r ould sub- 
scribe to it ; but it would hardly be safe to assume that 
Mother was seriously displeased that a man of such 
penetration should entertain it. 

Still, she had to labor the Victorian Attitude a little 
in order to cope with one so unexpected. 

“ If only she had been a — ” 

The Ex-Ambassadorial chuckle brought Mother up 
short. 

“ We shall see what w^e shall see, dear lady.” 


262 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Mother wished my lord would not be so cryptic. All 
the same, she rather liked the air of confidence. 

“ An old professional family, even of that kind, 
must have gathered its traditions, Agatha,” said S. 
of P. 

“ Fact is, Shelmerdine,” said the Friend of the Fam- 
ily, “ the young fellow has done a dashed sight better 
than anybody thinks he has — and a dashed sight bet- 
ter than he deserves, if you want my candid opinion.” 

Neither Father nor Mother appeared to want this 
candid opinion particularly, and yet they didn’t ap- 
pear very sorry to have it. And they went home feel- 
ing a little brighter for this interview; and, perhaps 
shaken a little in the Victorian Attitude. It was incon- 
ceivable that She would ever be able to do them credit ; 
but might it not be that they had alarmed themselves a 
little unduly? 

Still, it is easier, as a rule, to support the ills of 
others than to bear one’s own. It was very well for 
Warlock to take this optimistic view; but Philip was 
not his son, and She was not his daughter-in-law. 
Nevertheless, they were glad, on the whole, that the 
wind had been tempered for them in this quarter. They 
didn’t feel very forgiving just at present, though. 

A little light was thrown upon the unlooked-for mag- 
nanimity of the Friend of the Family about a week 


VICTORIAN IN THE BEST SENSE 263 


later. For this the Morning Post was responsible, and 
the illumination was the following : — 

" A marriage has been arranged and will shortly take 
place between the Marquis of Craigenputtock, eldest 
son of the Duke and Duchess of Dumbarton, and the 
Lady Adela Rocklaw, youngest daughter of the Earl of 
Warlock, K. C. M. G.” 

Everything for the best in the best of all possible 
worlds, you see. Father and Mother rejoiced, of 
course, at this cheering announcement; yet they did 
not seem exactly to overflow with joy when they called 
to convey their felicitations to dear Adela and her 
papa. But more than ever now were they inclined to 
doubt the bona fides of the latter in respect of the brave 
face he had put on their common misfortune. 

Still, most warmly and affectionately did they con- 
gratulate Dumbarton’s future duchess, whom they had 
the signal good fortune to find in black velvet with the 
Himalayan Dust Spaniel reclining at her feet. 

The Happy Young Man, twenty-two years of age 
and rather fine drawn, was handing tea-cake. Pa had 
rather a twinkle in his eye — Pa had no right to 
let it be seen, though — when he presented the young 
fellow to Mother and Father ; and Mother and Father 
congratulated him with the greatest warmth and spon- 
taneity. 


264 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


The felicitations were accepted of course in the spirit 
in which they were offered ; and for our part we are very 
glad that dear Adela was able to let bygones be by- 
gones, for, as all the world knew, Father and Mother 
had not been in the least to blame. Besides, it shows 
there was a core of magnanimity in the girl, and for 
this even we were hardly prepared, if we must confess 
the truth. 

Pray do not think that Adela’s good fortune was a 
mere figure of speech, since there was every reason to 
believe that the latest Scalp depending from the girdle 
of the Huntress was in all respects a very choice speci- 
men. He looked one, certainly; and Mother, who was 
quite competent to form an opinion on such an abstruse 
subject, could tell by the way in which he handed hot 
buttered tea-cake that he had a beautiful nature. 

Then Father had been at Eton with his father, and 
that, of course, was another point in the young man’s 
favor. 

44 By the way,” said the Ex- Ambassador, 44 1 see in 
The Thunderer this morning that Philip is going into 
politics.” 

This was news for Father. Mother was incredulous. 

44 And as a Tag, Rag and Bobtail, if you please,” 
said Pa quietly. 

Father it was who was now smitten with incredulity. 

44 Impossible,” he said. 


VICTORIAN IN THE BEST SENSE 265 


Pa sent for The Thunderer , and there it was, as plain 
as jour hand, that Mr. Philip Shelmerdine, the son of 
Lord Shelmerdine of Potterhanworth, had been adopted 
by the party of progress to fight their cause at Black- 
hampton. 

“ Boy must be insane,” said Father. “ He won’t get 
in, at any rate — there’s that consolation. I don’t 
know any man more unfitted for public life.” 

“ He may learn a wrinkle or two, though, Shelmer- 
dine. A deuced clever wife he’s married, you know.” 

“ He’ll need a clever wife if he is going to get in 
as a Rag at Blackhampton. It’s — it’s an act of in- 
sanity.” 

Then it was that Adela’s young man made his faux 
pas. 

66 Married the celebrated actress, didn’t he? ” said 
Adela’s young man. 

The only thing to be said for him is that he was not 
at all well up in recent history. 

Silence — complete and rather profound. 

Ci I remember seeing her in a pantomime at Christ- 
mas, and I thought she was the j oiliest girl I had ever 
seen — on the stage, I mean.” 

The afterthought sounded sincere ; and the whole 
speech was animated by the best of intentions. But 
it really was not very clever of the young fellow. Yes, 
young fellow, this was a passage in which you did 


266 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


not shine particularly. Dumbarton’s future duchess 
scowled at you — it would be idle to pretend that she 
didn’t — Mother looked daggers ; the great Procon- 
sul’s eyebrows said, Shut up, you young fool,” as 
audibly as eyebrows could indulge in that expression; 
and your future father-in-law had that satyr-like air 
which most people thought so damned unpleasant; but 
to you, young man, in your heedlessness, these signs and 
portents were without significance. 

Your tenantry will doubtless keep always a warm 
comer for you in their hearts; and when you lead your 
charming bride to the altar you will be the recipient 
of a massive silver tea-service, no doubt; but if you 
continue in this way it is unlikely that posterity will 
be able to point out your effigy in marble, and in knee- 
breeches, too, to its great grandchildren as it walks 
along Whitehall. Yes, really a very tactless young 
fellow. 

“ Warlock,” said Father bitterly, “ I think that boy 
of mine must be mad. I wouldn’t have had this happen 
for a very great deal. I don’t know what Yandeleur 
will think, I’m sure.” 

“ I can tell you, Shelmerdine,” said the possessor of 
the satyr-like air, smiling grimly at the empty fire- 
place. “ Vandeleur will think there is no tooth so keen 
as man’s ingratitude.” 

“ Warlock,” said Father, with clenched hands, “ it’s 


VICTORIAN IN THE BEST SENSE 267 


damnable. And Vandeleur morbidly sensitive, too, on 
the question of personal loyalty. Can’t we stop the 
young scoundrel ? ” 

Warlock, speaking in mournful accents proper to a 
Constitutional crisis, failed to see bow the young scoun- 
drel could be stopped without invoking the aid of a 
commission in lunacy. 

<£ Fellow’s mad enough, Warlock, if it comes to that.” 

66 Certainly, Shelmerdine, his latest action has all the 
appearance of insanity.” 

“ This must go no farther, Warlock,” said the im- 
perious Ex-Resident of Barataria, North-West. 

“ I really hope it may not,” said the Ex- Ambassador ; 
“ for the sake of you, for the sake of us, for the sake 
of Vandeleur, for the sake of the Empire.” 

A skeptical judgment might have doubted the sin- 
cerity of such a speech proceeding from such a quar- 
ter, but Father and Mother accepted it in simple good 
faith. 


CHAPTER XXVI 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 

Why people should be so vexed by things that other 
people, equally serious of mind, don’t care twopence 
about is one of the enigmas that is best left to the 
philosophers. 

Father and Mother were much upset by Mr. Philip’s 
act of treachery. Yet there was really no need for 
them to take it so tragically. The heir to the barony 
had attained the age when a man is allowed to do a 
little private thinking. But neither Father nor Mother 
was in sympathy with that point of view. 

Something must be done in this national crisis. En- 
ergetic action must be taken. Mr. Vandeleur would 
never forgive it ; the Party would never forgive it : the 
Country would never forgive it; the Empire would 
never forgive it. 

If you make a practice of thinking imperially, you 
must view things on a comprehensive basis. 

By the irony of circumstance, Mother and Father 
were dining out that evening in the Inner Circles of the 
Party. It was a small and quite unofficial occasion; 
but several of the Heads would be there. 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 269 


“ Agatha, it is the deuce,” said the Proconsul, wrest- 
ling with his white tie. 

“ It is that Woman, I am convinced. Phil-ipp has 
been led on to this.” 

“ I don’t know what Vandeleur will say, I’m sure. 
And such a supercilious fellow when he gets really cross. 
Of course, I dissociate myself entirely from a step so 
subversive.” 

The Heads certainly received Father somewhat 
askance that evening. In parenthesis, it may be re- 
marked that the world at large considered S. of P. as be- 
ing by way of a Head himself. But things are not al- 
ways what they seem, as Monsieur Bergson said of the 
Nebular Hypothesis. A Head he was, of course, in or- 
dinary assembly ; but this assembly, small though it was, 
was by no means ordinary. 

It was the Hostess, a massive daughter of Caledonia, 
who first referred to the Vexed Subject, just as Father, 
with a rather poor appetite, had begun upon his bird. 

“ Lord Shelmerdine, what is this one hears about your 
son standing as a Rag? ” 

No; it was not exactly kind of Caledonia’s daughter. 
The pause was awkward, particularly as Mr. Everard 
Vandeleur was seated on the right of his hostess. 

“ I have no need to say that I dissociate myself en- 
tirely from this ill-considered action,” said S. of P. at 
length. “ Beyond that I say nothing.” 


270 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ But you must say something, Shelmerdine,” 
thought the Front Bench, of which Two were present 
in addition to Mr. Everard Vandeleur. “ It will create 
a most unhappy impression in the country.” 

“ I can only attribute it to a mental aberration,” said 
S. of P. 

Mr. Everard Vandeleur shook his Jesuitical gray 
curls. 

“ Shelmerdine, my dear fellow,” he said in tones vi- 
brant with emotion, “ I would rather have lost five seats 
in the country than this should have occurred.” 

“ I had rather you had done so, Vandeleur, than that 
this should have taken place.” 

“Can you impose no check?” said Mr. Vandeleur. 
“ Can you not refuse supply ? ” 

“ Unfortunately, no. The young scoundrel has a 
private income. But I hold his wife responsible for 
this.” 

“ His wife? ” said Mr. Vandeleur. 

“ The root of an evil,” said the Husband of the Host- 
ess, who, to be sure, was right at the other end of the 
mahogany. 

“Your boy has married a wife, has he?” said Mr. 
Vandeleur, with the air of one who asks politely for 
information. 

And who do you think, my lords and gentlemen, was 
seated opposite the Great Man? No less an individual 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 271 

than his Britannic Majesty’s former Ambassador to 
Persia. 

Not a living soul saw the glance that may or may not 
have passed between them. 

“ A great deal of marrying and giving in marriage 
these days, apparently,” mused Mr. Everard Vande- 
leur. 

“ Your turn next, Van,” said a Privileged Individual, 
whose brilliant sally, of course, set the table in a roar. 

“ Married a wife, has he? ” mused Mr. Everard Van- 
deleur. “ Good for the state, although not always 
good for the state of Denmark. And she has brought 
him to this. Well, well.” 

“ It is revenge, of course,” said S. of P. 

A word so sinister caused the whole table to cock its 
ears. 

“ Revenge, Lord Shelmerdine ! ” said Caledonia’s 
daughter. 

“ She is not received in the Family at present, and 
we get this stab in the back in consequence.” 

Two persons round the opposition mahogany were as 
grim as griffins. One was Father and the other was 
Mother. For the rest of the company it would be un- 
safe to answer. 

“Why isn’t she received in the Family?” said Cale- 
donia’s daughter, as blunt a woman as you would find 
in a long day’s journey. 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


m 

6i He married contrary to the wishes of his parents,” 
said Mother, preening her plumage at the hostess in a 
way which said quite clearly that she would thank her to 
be careful, as the ground was rather delicate. “ Old- 
fashioned ideas, perhaps, but such marriages can only 
end in a general weakening of responsibility.” 

“ 1 am out of my depth,” said the plaintive Mr. Van- 
deleur. “ But the position as I envisage it, is this : 
Your son’s wife, out of favor at Court, plots against 
the dynasty. The dynasty trembles — ” 

66 I beg your pardon, Mr. Vandeleur, it does nothing 
of the kind,” said a very significant factor in the dy- 
nasty. 

“ Metaphorically, of course, Lady Shelmerdine. I 
speak in metaphor. The dynasty trembles because a 
bombshell has been thrown in the country — nothing 
less than a bombshell, as I unhesitatingly affirm — and 
to avert ruin one course only appears to be open to 
it.” 

“ What is that course, Mr. Vandeleur? ” said Lady 
Shelmerdine. 

“ To compose this internecine quarrel, and avert a 
further sanguinary conflict,” said Mr. Vandeleur. 

A great man had spoken. Consols fell habitually at 
his Obiter Dicta. French Rentes and Russia Fours 
lost a whole point when he tore up his card in a medal 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 273 


round. No wonder that his outline of Imperial policy 
received the most respectful attention. 

“ Let the Family receive her, and pray let us have 
no more of it,” said Caledonia’s blunt daughter. 

A suggestion of a great man in the interests of in- 
ternational comity is one thing; but untimely interfer- 
ence from one who has no locus standi beyond the fact 
that she has three addresses and more diamonds than 
are good for her, is quite another. Mother’s eyes 
sparkled with the light of battle. 

“ Will it really make any difference to the Party, Mr. 
Vandeleur, his standing for Blackhampton ? ” 

“ Bound to convey an unfortunate impression, Lady 
Shelmerdine.” 

“ But he can’t possibly get in.” 

“ One is glad to know that. But, being the son of 
his father, think of the weight he will carry with the 
Rags ! ” 

The compliment was a little double-edged, perhaps, 
to some minds, but happily only one aspect of it was 
visible except to the Cynical, with whom, of course, this 
narrative has nothing to do. 

“ Why can’t he possibly get in ? ” inquired the Host- 
ess. 

“No brains,” said Father. 

“ At least, not many,” corrected Mother. 


274 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ All the more likely to be returned as a Rag by 
Blackhampton,” said Caledonia’s daughter. “ Don’t 
you think so, Mr. Vandeleur? ” 

Mr. Vandeleur being a wise statesman, and the ques- 
tion being rather technical, he ignored it blandly. 

“ Shelmerdine, I think you ought to realize that we 
can’t have him standing for Blackhampton as a Rag in 
any case, when we have barely enough candidates of our 
own to go round.” 

“ Yes, I do realize that, my dear Vandeleur. I realize 
it most fully. Steps shall be taken. Steps shall be 
taken at once.” 

“Receive the girl in the Family — a nice girl, too, 
I’m told — and let us hear no more of it,” said the 
Hostess to Mother, who would not have been averse 
from striking her for her effrontery. 

What a pity it is that diamonds in excess are so de- 
moralizing. 

Full and ample forgiveness on the part of Grosvenor 
Square seemed to be indicated, provided that a proper 
humility and a reversion to the status quo ante was 
forthcoming on the part of the erring. Let the young 
woman be received in the Family, provided that the 
heir to the barony withdrew his odious candidature for 
Blackhampton, had said in effect the Leader of the 
Opposition ; and a tolerably easy constituency should 
be provided for the young man. He might then 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 275 


emerge as a full-blown Wagger after a period of grace 
in which to atone for his naughtiness. 

Father and Mother drove home in the electric 
brougham pondering deeply the wisdom of the sage. 
It would mean a considerable sacrifice of personal dig- 
nity thus to bargain with Her. They were a little sur- 
prised and even a little grieved, perhaps, that the Great 
Man had shown so scant a consideration for their 
domestic feelings ; but then it was a familiar trait of his 
that he was ever ready to sacrifice the individual upon 
the altar of Party. 

It looked like Humble Pie, and patrician stomachs 
are not very fond of that dish. But there did not 
seem to be any way out of it. The ukase had gone 
forth from the Chief that this wicked and immoral can- 
didature must not proceed. It was bound to create a 
most unfortunate impression in the country. It only 
remained for them, in the opinion of that wise and far- 
seeing statesman, to swallow the bitter portion and 
make peace on honorable terms. 

“ One thing, Agatha, we may congratulate ourselves 
upon, at any rate,” said the Proconsul. 66 Vandeleur 
took it much better than we had reason to expect.” 

“That is very well, Wally. But don’t let us con- 
gratulate ourselves too soon. It may not be so easy to 
get him to withdraw as Mr. Vandeleur supposes.” 

“But if we offer a clean slate? ” said the Proconsul. 


276 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


“ When a man is clearly infatuated,” said Mother, 
who was often inclined to sententiousness about this 
hour of the evening, “ you can count on nothing beyond 
the fact that She will make herself as disagreeable as 
possible.” 

In what manner should the olive-branch be conveyed 
by the dove of peace? Delicacy was called for. 
Was Mother or was Father the better qualified to exer- 
cise it? Mother had not been altogether a success in 
the role of the diplomatist at large. It was idle to 
shut one’s eyes to that fact, wasn’t it? But then, had 
Father? Really, if it came to that, neither had much 
margin for self-congratulation. And when all is said, 
Humble Pie is not a very eupeptic form of diet. 

“ Wally,” said the Colthurst of Suffolk at the break- 
fast table on the following morning, “ I have given the 
matter most anxious consideration, and I think, having 
regard to everything, it is, perhaps, best left in my 
hands.” 

The Proconsul looked just a little dubious as he 
removed the top of a hard-boiled egg. 

“ You are quite sure, Agatha, that you feel com- 
petent? ” 

“ Quite , Wally.” 

“Well, perhaps you are right. I hope so, at all 
events.” 

It was decided that Mother should call in Knights- 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 277 


bridge that afternoon upon Daughter-in-law, in spite of 
the Danger. 

“ That I will risk,” said Mother, who at heart was an 
Amazon. * 4 Only once have I seen her, and that was 
in Bedford Gardens, and she opened the door to me 
holding a potato in one hand and a knife in the other.” 

As the case had been represented to Father, he was 
quite prepared to believe even that. 

44 If you would like me to accompany you, Agatha,” 
said the Proconsul gallantly, 44 1 will cut the Select 
Committee this afternoon.” 

But Mother seemed to feel quite competent to take 
care of herself ; and, after all, Father saw no real reason 
to doubt her ability. 

Accordingly, at the punctual hour of half-past four 
that afternoon, Mother entered the lift at Park Man- 
sions, and was hoisted in a patent elevator to the thresh- 
old of the Guilty Pair. 

Happily, on this occasion her ring was answered not 
by a damsel, a knife and a potato, but by an undeniably 
smart young parlor-maid, who was quite trim enough to 
please the most severely critical. 

Was Mrs. Shelmerdine at home? 

The S. Y. P., who had charming natural manners, 
smiled a really very nice affirmative. 

As Mother entered the domain of the Guilty Pair, 
it seemed to her that everything in the little vestibule, 


278 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


and there was hardly anything in it to speak of, was, 
considering all things, in surprisingly good taste. 

44 Why, Mater, this is awfully sweet of you,” said 
the manly voice of Mr. Philip. 

Salutations of a filial and unaffected character. The 
young man was really not deep enough to be wary. 
All was about to be forgiven, evidently, else the good 
old mater would not be calling upon ’em. Nevertheless, 
a little surprise was in store for this optimist. Mary, 
whose amiable custom it was to meet the whole w r orld a 
little more than half way, did not exactly throw herself 
into the arms of Mother. 

Mother, moreover, did not exactly cast herself upon 
the neck of Mary. 

They chose to shake hands rather than have recourse 
to any less formal style of reception. 

44 So nice of you, Lady Shelmerdine, to find your way 
up to our little foot in the air.” 

It was said very cool and smiling, but if the young 
minx had left it unsaid it would have been just as well, 
perhaps, since somehow it didn’t seem to help things 
particularly. 

44 The art furniture is more comfortable than it looks, 
Lady Shelmerdine,” said the young Madam archly. 44 Try 
this one. Don’t you like our yellow wall-paper? Phil- 
ipp’s taste is so wonderful. Will you have some tea? ” 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 279 


Mother would be pleased to have some tea, but it was 
by no means clear, for all that, that Mrs. Philip was yet 
in the Family. 

The young Madam poured out tea as though she 
didn’t mind very much whether she was in the Family 
or whether she wasn’t. Young ladies of Newnham and 
Girt on, we can’t help thinking, although it grieves us 
terribly to criticize the Heroine, that this was very 
wrong of her. Mother was eating Humble Pie, and she 
ought to have been trying a little as well. 

The Twin Brethren handed the tea to Mother in quite 
their ablest manner. 

“ Have some muffin while it’s warm, Mater.” 

Mother preferred bread and butter, thank you. 

Conversation seemed to languish rather, until Mother 
made the important discovery that you got quite a nice 
view of the park. 

“ Toppin’ ! ” said Mr. Philip. 

“ I’m afraid these flats must be dreadfully expen- 
sive,” said the Maternal One. 

66 Not for the position, Mater.” 

Mother hoped not, at any rate. 

<c I hope you have noticed our Whistler, Lady Shel- 
merdine? ” said Mary the demure. 

Oh, where was the Whistler? Mother was so fond 
of canaries. 


280 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Calamity nearly overtook the muffin of Daughter-in- 
law. Happily it stopped at very nearly. 

“ The little picture opposite, Lady Shelmerdine. 
But you can’t really see it now the sun has got round 
to the west.” 

Mother had to examine the gem, of course, like any 
other art critic. Glasses did great execution. Which 
was the Whistler? Ah, yes, to be sure, the name of 
the artist. An artist with a name so original was 
bound to be rated highly. A present from Sir 
Herbert Forrest, the famous actor-manager. Yes, 
Mother had seen him as the Woodman in Twelfth 
Night. How interesting to have such a memento from 
such a famous man. And how well you could see the 
park. And she did hope it was not too expensive. 
And everything in such good taste, although yellow 
for a wall-paper was a rather modern color. And such 
delicious tea. And what charming cups. A present 
from Mr. Vandeleur. How kind — a memento, of 
course, of his respect and admiration for dear Phil- 
ipp’s father. 

“ It didn’t say so on the card, though, Mater,” said 
dear Phil-ipp with a clumsiness for which, perhaps, he 
is to be forgiven. “ It said on the card, 6 To Cinderella, 
from a Humble Admirer who wishes her every happi- 
ness.’ ” 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 281 


So nice of Mr. Vandeleur to be so tactful. Could 
there be a clearer indication of Mr. Vandeleur’s esteem 
for a friend and colleague? 

It hadn’t occurred to Hubby, though, that this really 
charming china tea-set was in any way connected with 
the great Proconsul. 

Mother was a little hurt by this unfilial obtuseness. 
As though there could be any other reason. Mr. Van- 
deleur was so able, so responsible. However, the tea- 
service was charming — and blue china, too. 

These were elegant preliminaries, but Mother’s mis- 
sion was both high and delicate. Enormous tact was 
needed, you know. Suaviter in Modo this time at least. 

Was it correct that Philip was standing for Parlia- 
ment ? — Oh, yes. 

But as a Rag, Tag, and Bobtail, according to The 
Thunderer? — Yes, the Leading Morning Journal was 
correctly informed. 

Somehow that seemed merely to leave matters in a 
state of suspended animation. Philip was pleasantly 
frank, yet without being particularly communicative. 
Mrs. Philip seemed wholly absorbed in the vernal pros- 
pect. 

44 1 am sure, dear Phil-ipp, you will be sorry to know 
that your father is upset.” 

Like a dutiful son, Phil-ipp was awfully sorry. 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


282 

“ And Mr. Vandeleur, of course. Your father was 
the last peer made by his Gover’ment. So wounding to 
a man as sensitive as Mr. Vandeleur ! ” 

Mr. Philip was awfully sorry that his little adventure 
was being taken so seriously by people whom he would 
not have supposed would have paid it any attention. 

“ But, dear Phil-ipp,” said Mother, “ your father 
holds such a special position in public life. He is so 
upset. A real grief to him, with the affairs of the 
country in their present deplorable state. The Con- 
stitution, you know — ! Dear Phil-ipp, have you fully 
considered the question ? ” 

Oh, yes, dear Phil-ipp had considered the question — 
that is, as well as he was able to. He didn’t pretend 
that he knew very much about it; but Polly rather 
thought — the prophetic soul of Mother ! — but Polly 
rather thought that a man of means and leisure ought 
to go into Parliament, and try and make himself useful 
to the world. Not that personally he felt he would be 
of any use at all. 

“ I can only say, dear Phil-ipp,” said Mother, “ that 
your father is much upset; Mr. Vandeleur is much up- 
set; the Party is much upset; and we have all talked 
about you quite anxiously. Don’t you realize what an 
amount of political capital will be made of your stand- 
ing as a Rag by the enemies of the Empire ? ” 

“ I shouldn’t have thought anybody would have cared 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 283 


twopence about it, Mater. It isn’t as though I had any 
ability.” 

“ It is not you , of course, who matters so much. It 
is your dear father who carries so much weight in the 
country.” 

But Mr. Philip supposed, though not at all disre- 
spectfully, that a chap of twenty-eight was entitled 
to have views of his own. 

Mother didn’t quite agree with that general propo- 
sition. There were some things, for instance, Religion 
and Politics to name only two, although there were 
others she could have mentioned, in which it was only 
right for a well-born and expensively nurtured English- 
man to defer to the more matured wisdom of his ances- 
tors. 

Mr. Philip was awfully sorry, but he rather believed 
in Progress. 

Mother was a little inclined to snort at Progress. 
What, pray, did one who had got as far as he had 
want with Progress! As far as Mother could see, the 
current idea of Progress was to take money out of the 
pockets of those who were better off than yourself, and 
put it into your own. 

“And there is no reason for you to resort to that, 
Phil-ipp,” said Mother, with a sudden effusion of In- 
spired Commonsense ; “ because you have more than the 
majority.” 


284 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Daughter-in-law, still looking through the window, 
and wholly absorbed in contemplation of the vernal 
prospect, was suddenly overwhelmed by a dreadful fear 
lest the histrionic temperament, which was her own pri- 
vate and particular cross, should make an exhibition of 
itself. 

Mother was fearfully good at argument, and always 
had been. Phil-ipp, of course, was the merest child at 
it, even though he had been selected by the Party of 
Progress to fight their great cause. Mother in her in- 
most heart thought it was the clearest proof of the con- 
temptible level of Rag intellect, that any body of regis- 
tered voters should have brought themselves to confide 
in any such candidate. And Mother nearly boiled over 
when Mr. Philip made an even more abject confession 
of his impotence. 

66 Come and argue with the Mater a bit,” said he to 
fair Nature’s admirer, still at gaze upon the vernal 
prospect. “ She’s much too clever for me.” 

Should Mother take off the gloves? No, decidedly 
more Politic not to remove them.. Mother’s third chin 
advanced a little, though, in spite of herself. This 
daughter of the people was likely to know more about 
the peeling of potatoes than of the conduct of high 
politics. 

At the summons of her lord, however, the young 
minx controlled her mobile features as well as in her 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 285 


lay ; and in that designing mind was the question, 
Should she toy a little with this Victorian Mamma? Or 
should she exercise her arts and blandishments? 

“ It is so wrong of Phil-ipp,” said Mother, <c and I 
think you ought to exercise the influence that every 
wife — that is, if she is good and worthy — has with 
her husband, and dissuade him. from this course. You 
do see, do you not, that it is most injudicious for a man 
in his position ? ” 

“ Well, Lady Shelmerdine,” said Mischief, having 
decided in favor of the broader way, “ Phil-ipp looks 
at it like this — don’t you, Phil-ipp ? The Rags do 
get on a bit, but the Waggers are generally going 
backwards.” 

Followed an academic discussion of the Situation. 
A most immoral proceeding, Mother was bound to be- 
lieve. Ingratitude could not further go than for the 
eldest son of the very last peer created by Mr. Vande- 
leur’s Gover’ment to go over horse, foot and artillery, 
to the foe. 

“ To what extent ought a son to suffer for the in- 
discretion of his father? ” inquired Mischief solemnly. 

Mother begged pardon ; she didn’t understand. 
Daughter-in-law seemed unable to render the question 
any clearer. 

At this point the Conference seemed to take a turn 
for the worse. 


28 6 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Did Mrs. Shelmerdine really suppose, said Mother in 
crystal tones, that young men in the position of her hus- 
band had no responsibilities to society? 

Oh, yes, Mrs. Shelmerdine was quite sure they had, 
and that was why personally she was so glad he had 
decided to throw in his lot with the party of Progress. 

Progress, said Mother — What, pray, is Progress ? 

The question was rather difficult for a young married 
woman to answer. But fortunately it appeared that 
Phil-ipp was not depending wholly upon dialectics in 
the coming battle. 

“ I am sorry to hear it,” said Mother. 

Yes, that was rather subtle for Mother. 

“ I suppose you feel, Lady Shelmerdine,” said the 
young wife, “ that if he depended entirely on his mental 
powers he would have no chance of getting in.” 

Mother ignored the question, perhaps a little point- 
edly. 

Well, it seemed that Phil-ipp had several other strings 
to his bow. 

Mother had implicit faith, however, in the essential 
good sense of her countrymen in the Midlands. They 
were such shrewd people in the Midlands; and Mother 
hoped and believed they would demand qualities more 
positive than those guaranteed by the fact that the Rag 
candidate was the eldest son of a distinguished father. 

Mischief agreed; but if the Candidate was able to 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 287 


kick three goals against Aston Villa, which he was quite 
capable of doing if he went into special training for 
the purpose, in the opinion of the local experts, there 
was no power on earth that could keep him from the 
head of the poll. 

This, of course,, took Mother out of her depth com- 
pletely. She herself was something of an old parlia- 
mentary hand ; and she had gained first-hand experience 
in the days when the Proconsul was merely Sir Walter 
and a light of the House of Commons. But this was 
beyond her. 

Mother had never heard of Aston Villa; and when 
Daughter-in-law took pains to explain who Aston 
Villa was, somehow Mother didn’t seem much enlight- 
ened. But of one thing she was sure. To fight a par- 
liamentary election upon any such basis was subversive 
of the Constitution. 

No, somehow the Conference didn’t seem to prosper. 
Nevertheless, Mother was there with the olive-branch ; 
but really, in the circumstances, she didn’t quite see 
what use could be made of the floral emblem. Still, an 
effort would have to be made. 

To do justice to Mother, she was quite prepared to eat 
Humble Pie. It was most unlikely that any good would 
come of the act of deglutition ; still, desperate remedies 
were called for. 

6i To be perfectly candid, Phil-ipp,” said Mother, 


288 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


really getting to business at last, “ your father has taken 
counsel of Mr. Vandeleur — most anxious counsel; 
and, acting upon his suggestion, he is fully prepared 
to offer a warm welcome to you both in Grosvenor 
Square; and he very much hopes you will allow your 
name to be withdrawn, and sometime, quite soon, Mr. 
Vandeleur himself will find you a constituency, because 
he is really concerned that a young man of such promise 
should be lost to the party.” 

Thus did Mother grapple right nobly with the un- 
savory cates. Perhaps her table manners were not quite 
so delicate as some people’s might have been; but let 
none be so heartless as to criticize her when she is wrest- 
ling so nobly with her Cross. 

Phil-ipp and Mary were touched, of course, by the 
liberal offer; touched very deeply, although they didn’t 
quite see how it would be possible for the former to go 
back on his principles, even allowing for the fact that 
the fatted calf is such delectable fare. They were aw- 
fully nice about it, though, which is, of course, what 
you would expect them to be; very gentle and polite 
and even affectionate with Mother, who was doing her 
best in circumstances quite foreign to her nature. 

All the same, the conclusion of the Conference was 
by no means all that could have been desired. The 
guilty pair had involved themselves so deeply with Black- 
hampton that they couldn’t very well draw back. Be- 


A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS 289 


sides, it was not wholly clear that they wanted to. 
After all, a man who had attained the ripe age of 
twenty-eight might aspire to a few convictions. Phil- 
ipp felt so strongly that the future lay with the party 
of Progress. 

Mother failed undoubtedly in her diplomatic errand. 
And no doubt the measure of her failure was in her 
parting words that dear Phil-ipp would never be for- 
given by his father if he persisted in going to the poll. 

Mother took an affectionate leave of her peccant son, 
but her leave of Daughter-in-law was very guarded. 


CHAPTER XXVII 


ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR FREE TRADE 

Things had to go forward at Blackhampton in 
spite of the Ukase, and forward they went right mer- 
rily. The adoption of Philip was a fine stroke on the 
part of the Rags, because the Blackhampton Rovers 
had a following of about thirty thousand persons 
weekly, and one and all of these acclaimed it as quite 
the right policy. The famous inside right had had 
in his day — which was not so very far off either — 
only one superior in that responsible position, and he 
was Steve Bloomer. If the Rag candidate could only 
reproduce his form on a great occasion, he was bound 
to go straight to the top of the poll. 

A general election was expected in the autumn. 
Philip and Mary spent August at Trouville in order to 
prepare for the fray. Philip trained on the sands, and 
Mary composed speeches while she listened to the se- 
ductive strains of Monsieur Marly’s Marine Orchestra. 
And then, when this delightful month was over, they 
went to Blackhampton in fighting trim ; hired a house for 
three months on its outskirts, and set to work in grim 
earnest. 


290 


TRIUMPH FOR FREE TRADE 291 


In a very short time they were the two most popular 
people in this rather unalluring city. It was demo- 
cratic to the core; and the fact that the Rag candidate 
was the son of Mr. Vandeleur’s very last creation was 
made a cardinal point by his opponents. But, as the 
candidate said with simple pathos at every meeting — 
Gentlemen, it is not fair to hold me responsible for 
my father. No man ought to be held responsible for 
his father. I am doing my level best to live down my 
father, gentlemen, and in so doing I look confidently for 
the support of every follower of the Rovers in this 
room, for they, I know, are good sportsmen. 

Whereupon the good sportsmen in question invaria- 
bly roared themselves hoarse. 

And then the Candidate would proceed: Gentlemen, 
I am not much use at a speech. But I’ll just say this. 
I hope we shall beat the Villa on Saturday. (Uproar.) 
It won’t be for want of trying, anyhow. (Uproar.) 
And if we do manage to beat ’em, and I think we 
shall — (cries of “ Good lad! ”) — I hope you will be 
kind enough to forgive my oratory (cries of tc Rather! ” 
and loud cheering). 

And now, gentlemen, I am going to ask my wife, 
who is a far better speaker than I am, to say a few 
words. There is no need for me to make you known 
to one another, because she tells me you are all old 


292 THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 

friends of hers. (Loud cheers, and cries of “ Sing us a 
song, Mary ! ”) 

Mary, looking like a picture-postcard, would then 
sit down to the piano, which with great foresight had 
been provided by the Executive Committee, and pro- 
ceed to sing that famous ballad from Iolanthe about 
good Queen Bess’s glorious days when the House of 
Lords did nothing in particular, and did it very well. 
That was pretty well f or a beginning ; and the audience 
would be so delighted with this effort that she was not 
allowed to get to her speech until she had sung all 
the old favorites that had made her so famous. And 
then, when she had sung all her songs, the Chairman, 
Mr. Alderman Slocock, would interpose and say that 
it was really not fair to insist on her making a speech, 
because if they did she might have no voice left the 
following evening for the great meeting at the Corn 
Exchange. And this course having been commended 
by the meeting as a rare example of political foresight, 
the proceedings terminated with the usual vote of con- 
fidence, in which there was not a single dissentient 
voice. 

Aston Villa were beaten handsomely on the following 
Saturday; and, although the Candidate only managed 
to kick one goal, he showed so much of his old form 
that it was clear already that another striking blow had 
been delivered against the House of Lords. In fact, 


TRIUMPH FOR FREE TRADE 293 


that tottering institution had not a look in, really. Its 
meetings were very tame affairs by comparison, even 
if the standard of speech-making was thought by some 
people to be higher. But little or no interest was taken 
in them ; while at those of the unfilial young man, 
who was going to take away his father’s Veto, there 
wasn’t even standing room an hour before the pro- 
ceedings began. 

Undoubtedly it was going to be a signal triumph 
for the People’s Cause. The Candidate combined so 
well with the rest of the Rovers’ forwards that the 
Wolverhampton Wanderers were beaten on their own 
ground, and Manchester City were simply annihilated. 
66 Deeds not Words ” flamed forth in the Rag colors, 
a vivid orange, from every hoarding. If the Candidate 
only kept up his form, said those who knew (and there 
was a surprising amount of omniscience in Blackhamp- 
ton just now), the Rovers were bound to win the Cup 
and Mr. Balsquith would make him Home Secretary 
immediately. 

In spite of all the adulation he received, the Candi- 
date remained very simple and modest about it all. 
Even after he had scored two goals against Sheffield 
Wednesday, he never attempted any particular flight of 
oratory. The Missus could do all that so much better. 
No doubt she could have done, but South-West Black- 
hampton was far too wise in its day and generation to 


294 THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 

give her the chance. Let her attend to the piano. 
That, in the opinion of South-West Blackhampton, was 
so much more important. 

The dissolution of Parliament occurred in the middle 
of November. A crowded and glorious fortnight fol- 
lowed. Notts Forest were beaten; a draw was made 
with Sunderland; and on the very eve of the poll Tot- 
tenham Hotspur received a most crushing reverse. 

For the second time in its ignoble history, Protection 
was not only dead but damned. 

It was all over bar the shouting, even before the fate- 
ful day had dawned. The Flag-Waggers could hardly 
raise a waggle; the sitting member realized already that 
he had lost his seat. Blackhampton went solidly for the 
Rags, and the best inside right in England — never mind 
Steve Bloomer ! — was hoisted with a noble ma j ority to 
the top of the poll. 

Unparalleled scenes were enacted in Market Square. 
The horses were taken out of the New Member’s car- 
riage, and he and his charming wife were drawn in 
triumph through the principal streets. 

A deputation with Alderman Slocock at its head 
waited on the New Member at his committee room the 
morning after the declaration of the poll. The Rovers 
hoped in all humility that their famous inside right 
would not desert them now. 

Desert the Rovers! Nothing was further from the 


TRIUMPH FOR FREE TRADE 295 


New Member’s intention. Certainly he would play for 
them for the rest of the season if only they were good 
enough to choose him. And the deputation withdrew, 
after further congratulations upon his deserved suc- 
cess, and having further acclaimed him as a true sports- 
man. 

Some members of Parliament might have been rather 
bored by having to play every week for the Blackhamp- 
ton Rovers, but that was not the case with Philip. 
He had renewed his youth ; never in his life had he more 
thoroughly enjoyed this manly game. Besides, he had 
all Blackhampton for his friends. He was a really 
great man in Blackhampton, and even self-effacing peo- 
ple like to know that places exist where their merits are 
appreciated. 

Nevertheless, when the news reached Grosvenor 
Square that the Rags had gained a seat at Blackhamp- 
ton, and that the turnover of votes had been tremendous, 
surprise was mingled with consternation. 

“ It wasn’t as if the fellow had any brains,” said 
Father to everybody. 

Mother, however, informed the world privately that 
she always thought dear Phil-ipp had been underrated 
by his father. It was very wrong, of course, to stand 
as a Rag, but no young man wholly devoid of ability 
could possibly have gained a seat like South-West 
Blackhampton with such an enormous majority. 


296 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Still, Grosvenor Square was quite at a loss to under- 
stand it. But one thing was clear. The breach was 
widened by this painful incident; at least, Father, in his 
blindness, thought so. Had failure been the portion 
of this wicked revolt, forgiveness would have been easier. 
Its dazzling success seemed to put forgiveness out of the 
question. 

Mother, perhaps, was inclined to weaken a bit. After 
all, did it really matter so much? And was it not better 
than leading an idle and useless life? However mis- 
placed the ambition, surely it was an evidence of that 
dormant ability, which in her heart she had always 
known to be there, since her family was never without 
it. 

Father, however, was adamant. It was an open 
flout. Moreover, it had rendered him ridiculous in the 
Inner Circle, which, however, so far from viewing the 
matter with exaggerated grief was rather inclined to 
see in it a joke of a high order. Why this should have 
been the case Father had no means of knowing. To 
one of his own staunch principles it was certainly no 
laughing matter. 

As time passed, the maternal heart of Mother was 
disposed to relent, but Father, alas! would not hear of 
compromise. He felt too keenly this double act of 
filial disloyalty. It was rather absurd to view things 


TRIUMPH FOR FREE TRADE 297 


in this light, said the friends of both parties, but the 
Proconsul was adamant. 

He went his way, and Philip and Mary went theirs. 
In spite of their wrong-doing the guilty pair contrived 
to be extremely happy in the little nest at Knights- 
bridge. But Father, alas! grew exceedingly misera- 
ble. 

Even Mother had come to agree with the world, that 
Father was not behaving with his usual wisdom. Mrs. 
Philip was really less Bohemian than Mother had feared, 
in spite of the incident of the potato. If she were 
duly encouraged, she might have the makings of a good 
wife. 

Indeed, by the time the Guilty Pair had been married 
a little more than a year, Mrs. Philip certainly fulfilled 
one of the important duties incident to the degree in 
life to which it had pleased Providence to call her. As 
a matter of fact, she overdid it a little, in the opinion 
of persons qualified to speak with authority. She pre- 
sented Philip with Twins. 

Alas! even when the glad news was borne to Father, 
he remained firm in his attitude. He still played the 
part of Achilles sulking in his tent, although it was 
openly said by all right-minded people that such con- 
duct was entirely unworthy of a great Proconsul. 

One thing was clear, however, now that this joyful 


£98 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


event had occurred. The little nest in Knightsbridge 
was no longer adequate. A move was therefore made 
to a more commodious abode in Pont Street. 

Philip was almost ridiculously proud to be a father. 
He went up and down the metropolis in a way that must 
have been intolerable to those who do not love the hu- 
man race. He had “ had his leg pulled ” pretty se- 
verely over his return for South-West Blackhampton, 
but that was nothing in comparison with what he had 
now to endure. 

“ What are you going to call ’em, Shel, old boy ? ” 
was the greeting of all and sundry. 

Two lusty men they were, whose lungs thus early in 
life did infinite credit to both parents. 

To the credit of Mother, be it said, the Twins proved 
altogether too much for her. She hauled down her 
flag completely, and even went to the length of consent- 
ing to meet the goddaughter of Edward Bean in con- 
sultation. There had been faults on both sides, per- 
haps. Still, the goddaughter of Edward Bean, whose 
eyesight, to be sure, was not what it used to be, was 
only able to see faults on one side. 

Nevertheless, the lion lay down with the lamb; and 
Mother herself took charge of the removal to Pont 
Street. Moreover, she even went to the length of 
choosing a desirable residence; and insisted on furnish- 
ing it in part with a dole from the privy purse. Yet, 


TRIUMPH FOR FREE TRADE 299 


while Mother was behaving in this rational and sensible 
manner and was thus laying up a store of happiness 
for herself, Father declined to be comforted, and every 
day made himself more unhappy. 

Tragedy began to hover around the pillows of the 
great Proconsul. His appetite declined; his clothes 
no longer fitted him; no longer did he seem to care 
about public business as of yore. Instead of the suc- 
cession being doubly secure, the Family might have been 
threatened with extinction. 


CHAPTER XXVIII 


THE END OF THE TALE 

It was Mary’s custom to give the Twins an airing 
in the park every morning when the weather was fine. 
Like a wise young mother, she personally undertook 
this important duty; trundling the perambulator her- 
self, and gaining health and happiness thereby, in spite 
of the emphatic protests of Philip, who seemed to think 
that nursemaids had been invented for that purpose. 

This was a subject, however, upon which Mary was 
a little inclined to dogmatism. A mother who was 
young and strong, and as absurdly proud as she was of 
her progeny, should show herself to be worthy of the 
good gifts of heaven by taking a thoroughly practical 
interest in their welfare. This was pretty sound doc- 
trine, the Member for Blackhampton was obliged to 
admit, although personally he rather thought that nurse- 
maids — 

Mary had no belief in nursemaids. 

Thereupon the proud father, in spite of an involun- 
tary shudder of the Twin Brethren — within his own 
breast, of course, not those within the vehicle — felt 
300 


THE END OF THE TALE 


301 


that he himself should be allowed to undertake this 
onerous duty. 

Mary laughed at this. It was not the business of 
Man to' push perambulators, and no self-respecting 
woman would ever endure the spectacle. 

The pushing of the perambulator had all the elements 
of a pretty little quarrel in it ; but these young married 
people were much too modern and sensible to conduct 
themselves in that old and foolish fashion. Amantium 
irce amused them not. Real pals don’t snarl at one an- 
other, whatever Q. Horatius may have to say upon the 
subject. 

Therefore the proud father had to capitulate. Be- 
sides, said Mary, it would never do for white spats by 
Grant and Cockburn to condescend to such a menial oc- 
cupation. The Button Club would certainly expel their 
wearer if he w T as guilty of any such solecism. Even as 
it was, rumor had it that he had been severely repri- 
manded by the Committee for daring to stand as a Rag 
for Blackhampton, and worse, of getting himself elected 
by a considerable majority. If he were to be seen 
pushing a “ pram ” in the park on a fine June morn- 
ing, he would be compelled to resign his membership 
of the institution. 

The member for Blackhampton had to yield; and 
Mary was left in undisputed possession of her perambu- 
lator and its lusty occupants. And certainly, as she 


302 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


trundled the vehicle along the railings of the Row, she 
looked just about the nicest and proudest and happiest* 
young mother in the metropolis. It is true that on one 
occasion when the proud father was accompanying the 
procession a cheval, one of England’s future duchesses 
gave the young mother and her perambulator a de- 
cidedly disdainful look as she passed them; and also 
that one of England’s future dukes looked very hard 
at them, and, moreover, turned round to stare after 
them, which was hardly what you would expect, and we 
hope you will pardon his grossly unducal behavior. 
Still, the provocation was great. Here was one of the 
mothers of the nation to which we are all proud to 
belong, whether we are Rags or whether we are 
Waggers, a simple, sensible, square-browed young ma- 
tron, a picture of well-being, who, having given two 
noble kids to the world, was determined to look after 
’em. 

The young woman with the perambulator made a 
fascinating picture on these fine June mornings, along 
by the railings of the Row ; and had it been painted 
by Rembrandt or Velasquez or some other old and re- 
spectable painter, a good deal of money might have 
been offered for it by cosmopolitan millionaires. 

Indeed, the Young Woman with the Perambulator be- 
came rather a source of remark for some of the habitues 
of the thoroughfare. Elderly gentlemen with well- 


THE END OF THE TALE 


SOS 


brushed side- whiskers, grandfathers all, remarked upon 
her to other elderly gentlemen. Sensible girl, they 
said, doing good to herself and to the nation at large, 
and setting an example to others. It was far better 
than leaving ’em to nursemaids and suchlike careless 
hussies. You A mow that they are all right when you 
have charge of them yourself. 

It chanced one morning as the procession followed 
its accustomed course, with Philip near at hand, mounted 
on a quadruped that had turned out better as a hack 
than as a ’chaser, a distinguished personage came upon 
the scene in faultless morning attire. He was none 
other than Arminius Wingrove. 

A man of such wisdom could not do less than stay 
to admire the Twins. For the life of him, though, he 
couldn’t say which side of the family they favored most. 
Walter Augustus, named after the misguided Grand- 
papa who had declined to attend the christening, had 
certainly the eyes of his mother; Philip Archibald had 
certainly the eyes of his mother also. The nose of 
Philip Archibald was, undoubtedly, that of his father; 
the nose of Walter Augustus was undoubtedly that of 
his father also; while as for the mouth, the mouth of 
both Walter Augustus and Philip Archibald was un- 
doubtedly that of both parents. Still, it must not be 
thought that Walter Augustus and Philip Archibald 
had always to endure those imposing names. One was 


304 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


called Bow and the other was called Wow in domestic 
circles. 

So unfeigned was the admiration of Arminius Win- 
grove that nothing would content him but that he should 
turn and accompany the procession as far as the 
Achilles statue. But before they were able to gain that 
desirable bourn, which itself commemorates a great mo- 
ment in the life of the nation, yet one more historic in- 
cident was destined to occur. Alas, that its only com- 
memoration is like to be these unworthy pages ! 

However, if the Board of Supererogation, evidences 
of whose romantic disposition are to be found all over 
our fair metropolis, really feels disposed to mark the 
precise spot where this historic episode came to pass, it 
may be said that it was exactly opposite the little kiosk 
for the sale of newspapers and other undesirable forms 
of literature which has been permitted to invade the 
chaste precincts of what was once considered the most 
exclusive spot in all London. 

An elderly gentleman in a glossy silk hat, with well- 
brushed eyebrows and of a mien of generally composed 
importance, was debouching slowly yet all unknown into 
this historic episode. He was not looking very happy 
for all that he wore his habitual air of distinction. He 
was a Proconsul, and full many of the passers-by 
saluted him respectfully. But he did not seem in any- 
wise the better for these manifestations of public regard. 


THE END OF THE TALE 


305 


If the truth must be told of this elderly gentleman, 
sorrow and envy were the occupants of his heart this 
lovely June morning, when even the metropolitan pros- 
pect was all that was fair and gracious. He was the 
most miserable grandfather in London, instead of being 
the proudest and happiest, as he certainly ought to have 
been. 

In his stately progress he passed other grandfathers. 
They were walking with their sons and daughters, and 
with the sons and daughters of their sons and daugh- 
ters, and looking immeasurably the better for the privi- 
lege. Surely, it was good to be a grandfather on this 
fine June morning. It seemed a perfectly honorable 
and rational and proper state of being. 

Every yard he walked, the conviction grew firmer in 
him that this was the case. It was surely the duty of 
elderly gentlemen with well-brushed eyebrows to rejoice 
in that degree. There was a man he knew well, a mem- 
ber of Parliament, looking so pink and prosperous, with 
a small girl holding one hand and a small boy holding 
the other. Envy and sorrow were not in that heart, it 
was certain. 

Could it be that his recent policy had been vain and 
weak and shortsighted? The great Proconsul had never 
asked himself such questions before, but it was becom- 
ing increasingly clear to him that he would have to 
be asking them presently. A grandfather had surely no 


306 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


right to make himself as ridiculous as he had done. 

Then it was that the great Proconsul came right op- 
posite the Achilles statue, and the episode to which we 
have already referred got itself made into history. A 
certain Mr. Wingrove, a famous dramatist who had 
been elected recently under the rule honoris causa to 
Grandfather’s club, and with whom Grandfather was 
upon pleasantly familiar terms, came into view. Walk- 
ing by the side of Mr. Wingrove was a charming-look- 
ing girl. She had charge of a most commodious double 
perambulator, and so proudly was she trundling it that 
it was quite clear to the acute perception of the great 
Proconsul that this was a case of Twins. 

Grandfather, in his present somewhat emotional state, 
must needs stop and shake Mr. Wingrove heartily by 
the hand. And, further, he was constrained to offer 
his sincere congratulations. He overflowed with ad- 
miration. 

“ And what are their names ? ” he asked. 

“ One is called Bow, and the other is called Wow,” 
said the demure young mother. 

It seemed passing strange to Mr. Wingrove that the 
great Proconsul should not know the names of his own 
grandchildren, and, moreover, that he should not rec- 
ognize them and their mother. Then a light dawned 
suddenly upon him. Further, it seemed to this sa- 
gacious mind that in the absence of the lawful father, 


THE END OF THE TALE 


307 


who had turned his horse and who was going now 
down the Row at a canter, that a legitimate opportu- 
nity had presented itself for the exercise of the comic 
spirit. 

“ I should really like my wife to see them,” said the 
great Proconsul. “ Such splendid fellows ; the picture 
of health.” 

“ Oh, yes, by all means,” said Mr. Wingrove, with a 
rather sly smile at the proud young mother. 

No time like the present. If Mrs. W. didn’t mind 
bringing along these infant phenomena as far as Gros- 
venor Square, which is hardly ten minutes’ walk from 
the Achilles statue as the crow flies, he was sure that 
Lady S. would be enchanted. 

The gracious young matron would be delighted to 
take them round to Grosvenor Square for the inspec- 
tion of the wife of this most agreeable elderly gentle- 
man, whose name, by the way, she had not the pleasure 
of knowing. All the same, the mention of Grosvenor 
Square and the demeanor of Mr. Wingrove combined 
to give the young madam a pretty shrewd suspicion. 

As for Arminius Wingrove, he was amazed at the 
resource and the boldness of Providence, which, of 
course, he was quite entitled to be. And in that, to 
be sure, he was by no means singular. Many first-rate 
minds have been similarly occupied for some little time^ 
past. 


308 


THE PRINCIPAL GIRL 


Grandfather, all unconscious of the wicked trick that 
Fate had put upon him, prattled along by the side of 
the four-wheeled chariot; and he was presently moved 
to indulge in the proud confidence that they had re- 
cently had Twins in the Family. 

“ Oh, really,” said Mr. Wingrove. 

“ Oh, how interesting,” said the proud young mother, 
not to be outdone in gravity. 

“ I must really go and see ’em,” said Grandfather. 

“Oh, haven’t you seen them yet?” said the fair 
charioteer. 

Not yet. It seemed that a Proconsul had so many 
calls upon his attention. 

“ Well, if I was their mother, I don’t think I should 
be very pleased with you. Haven’t you been rather 
remiss, Mr. — ? I haven’t the pleasure of knowing your 
name.” 

“Lord Shelmerdine,” said Mr. Wingrove, hastening 
to atone for his sin of omission. 

By this, they were waiting to cross Park Lane. 

“ Shall I tell him yours ? ” whispered the famous play- 
wright to Mrs. Philip. 

“ No, of course you mustn’t,” said that designing 
young Madam. “ Unless you want to spoil every- 
thing.” 


THE END 











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